The endless subject of control came up today at the therapist. Usually I try to change the subject but since we'd been discussing "Regret for the Past and Terror of the Future" control seemed benign. Given my past (we'll go there eventually) I always feel I need to control every moment of every situation so that nothing bad happens. Not to me - to everyone around me! Guess I'm nuts with a social conscience.
My sweet little 95' Jetta got plowed into last week. Victim of an idiot in a pick-up, skidding on snow while talking on the phone, fondling his girlfriend and making an illegal U-turn. Good news - I was buying milk at the moment, Bad News - little Jetta is in intensive care. More good news - I am insured to the same degree as Kathy Bates in "Fried Green Tomatoes".
Rental car arrives and it's a 2007 Murano. My Jetta fits in the freakin' front seat. I'm a very good driver - my Father told me so in the driveway - and after years of living in Brooklyn and commuting to Manhattan I am brave and nimble and assertive but this baby is huge and new. She responds to a touch at the wheel, a tap at the brake - Jetta had more of a Fred Flintstone car vibe going for it. Plus I've never been fond of reverse and now I can't even find the back of the car.
And all the old crazies come home to roost. I'll lose control, it'll tip over, and most of all - I will back out of the Stop N' Shop parking lot and mow down a ton of toddlers on their way back from seeing how produce is marketed. I can see their little bodies beneath my back wheels - holding hands with their mittens pinned to their coats. But I need coffee filters!
I wind my way through the jug-handles of NJ and park my beast at the far end of the lot - near the dumpsters, upsetting a flock of rabid seagulls. Good plan I assure myself - what could I hurt in no-man's land.
Filters in hand (along with $200 worth of other crap I didn't know I needed) I emerge from Stop N' Shop to discover my car surrounded by Verizon trucks. It's lunch time and IHOP is right next door and apparently they too suffer from reverse-itis. The panic that came over me was stunning and comical. I could barely steer the shopping cart - how would I ever get the Titanic out of a thimble? I considered waiting for them to finish lunch but that seemed absurd - even to me. So I summoned my inner well voice and tackled the situation. I will be in the moment, there are no loose toddlers - inch by inch, breath by breath the Murano was freed from her tiny crevice!
So the therapist was right (bitch) - I can't plan for everything, I can't control everything, I'm not to blame for everything and bad things won't always happen.
I lived in the moment and I'm planning on living there again. With a few forks off the moment.
2 comments:
I've never heard of a Murano. I'm guessing it's an SUV.
I think you're very brave to have maneuvered between the Verizon trucks. You must be an excellent driver (and not just in the driveway).
But remember that this is coming from someone who's afraid to drive.
Yes, I'm also in therapy. Big surprise!
Cher - I didn't drive til I was almost 35 (again with the rhymes)
Where we come from that's not a big problem - but out here it's the death of ya.
The Murano is a SUV - it's actually considered a small one LOL It's new - I think it's only been around for a couple of years - mine is a 2007 - fancy!
As for therapy - it IS a good thing and we should both be proud that we're willing to "do the work" as thera-talk calls it.
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