The endless subject of control came up today at the therapist. Usually I try to change the subject but since we'd been discussing "Regret for the Past and Terror of the Future" control seemed benign. Given my past (we'll go there eventually) I always feel I need to control every moment of every situation so that nothing bad happens. Not to me - to everyone around me! Guess I'm nuts with a social conscience.
My sweet little 95' Jetta got plowed into last week. Victim of an idiot in a pick-up, skidding on snow while talking on the phone, fondling his girlfriend and making an illegal U-turn. Good news - I was buying milk at the moment, Bad News - little Jetta is in intensive care. More good news - I am insured to the same degree as Kathy Bates in "Fried Green Tomatoes".
Rental car arrives and it's a 2007 Murano. My Jetta fits in the freakin' front seat. I'm a very good driver - my Father told me so in the driveway - and after years of living in Brooklyn and commuting to Manhattan I am brave and nimble and assertive but this baby is huge and new. She responds to a touch at the wheel, a tap at the brake - Jetta had more of a Fred Flintstone car vibe going for it. Plus I've never been fond of reverse and now I can't even find the back of the car.
And all the old crazies come home to roost. I'll lose control, it'll tip over, and most of all - I will back out of the Stop N' Shop parking lot and mow down a ton of toddlers on their way back from seeing how produce is marketed. I can see their little bodies beneath my back wheels - holding hands with their mittens pinned to their coats. But I need coffee filters!
I wind my way through the jug-handles of NJ and park my beast at the far end of the lot - near the dumpsters, upsetting a flock of rabid seagulls. Good plan I assure myself - what could I hurt in no-man's land.
Filters in hand (along with $200 worth of other crap I didn't know I needed) I emerge from Stop N' Shop to discover my car surrounded by Verizon trucks. It's lunch time and IHOP is right next door and apparently they too suffer from reverse-itis. The panic that came over me was stunning and comical. I could barely steer the shopping cart - how would I ever get the Titanic out of a thimble? I considered waiting for them to finish lunch but that seemed absurd - even to me. So I summoned my inner well voice and tackled the situation. I will be in the moment, there are no loose toddlers - inch by inch, breath by breath the Murano was freed from her tiny crevice!
So the therapist was right (bitch) - I can't plan for everything, I can't control everything, I'm not to blame for everything and bad things won't always happen.
I lived in the moment and I'm planning on living there again. With a few forks off the moment.