Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Football, The Fantasy, The Commish - A Reality Wordzzle

I'm going for a string of "Reality Wordzzles" - check out actual fiction writers at RAVEN’S NEST

Ten Word Challenge: snow and ice, vegetarian chili, pampered kitty, anthropology, do you own a home, coronation, you can change the world, hideous curtains, stammering, premonitions

Mini Challenge: Is there a doctor in the house, blowing in the breeze, shadows, comedian, sleeping disorder

I first fell in love with football because I had a crush on Joe Namath. He was part sex symbol, part comedian and all quarterback. I didn’t know much about the game itself but I loved to watch Broadway Joe swagger around.

Years later when my son began playing Pee Wee football I decided I should learn the game. I read books, watched NFL films and asked his coaches a million questions. I watched every game on TV. I’ll never forget the AFC Championship Game in 1981. In frigid sub zero temperatures, on a field covered in snow and ice, Ken Anderson led his Cincinnati Bengals to victory. When the cameras showed the San Diego players huddling against their bench heaters I laughed out loud – many of the Cincy players weren’t wearing shirts under their jerseys. One look at Dan Fouts made me wonder – “is there a doctor in the house?” – cause Danny Boy wasn’t looking too good.

I was a fan of working class teams – the Steelers, the Bears, the Browns, the Bengals. I loved rough guys from rough towns. I loved rebels. I still do, there just aren’t as many anymore. Too many players today remind me of pampered kitties – waiting for their next latte and demanding vegetarian chili. The draft has gone from picking a good old tough guy with heart and soul to a coronation ceremony for the next diva in shoulder pads. Ages from now anthropology will show the demise of beer and hot dogs under dirt fields, they were replaced by Starbucks and croissants served up in climate controlled domes.

As a football Mom I was sentenced to work in the concession stand with the other “ladies”. We were so delicate that the manly Dads hug sheets of plastic across the front to protect us from the cold. I hated the sight of those hideous curtains blowing in the breeze. They cast deep shadows on the field and kept me from watching the game. The endless flapping noise drowned out the sounds coming from the field. In one of my many “you can change the world” moments I walked out of the concession stand and demanded that I be allowed to coach. No more of this Dads coach and Moms make hot chocolate crap for me.

When my son moved on to high school football I had to let the coaching go. I couldn’t be at his games and coach my own. Wait til I have a grandchild – girl or boy. They’re getting shoulder pads baby!

And so the years as avid spectator were back. People told me I should join a fantasy league. At first I thought it meant you got to sleep with the players and I was all in – but alas I was mistaken. It’s a lot like a gambling ring. The leagues in Brooklyn were all run by guys named Vito and Rocco. Seemed to me that a lot of cash changed hands. I could imagine Vito saying to some desperate player – “So how much is the car worth? Do you own a home? Have an extra kidney?” Didn’t seem a good fit for me.

Don’t get me started on the leagues here in NJ.

But once again Blog Land comes to the rescue.

The amazing hotness that is ….


… started a league. I knew he would be the commissioner of my dreams and I joined immediately.

In the days leading up to draft night I nearly developed a sleeping disorder. What should I call my team? Which players should I choose? What would I wear to the live draft?

But The Commish was always there for me. Being a Renaissance Man – a lover of music and books …



… he was always prepared for any and all questions I had. Even when I asked them in my silly, stammering manner. He would put on his thinking cap and come up with the answers.


I tried not to ask more of the Commish than I should. Being the rock star that he is he has way too many followers …


Animals revere him; they hang on his every word …


He brings the generations together – both Moms and Daughters adore him …


Sometimes he has to disguise himself – just to get a moment’s peace.


All evidence proves that he has a huge heart.



In all my fantasy football fantasies and premonitions I never expected to win. And I was right.

Yet there is cause for celebration. I won the DFL trophy!!

Here I am holding it up for all to see



Here’s a close-up.



I’m the DFL!! That’s right baby … Dead Fucking Last

Thanks JAY!

And Brava to KAREN who won the season.

53 comments:

Mrs. C said...

Where is everybody? I'm first???

I'm glad you got to coach football. I wouldn't be that brave. I wasn't even able to make G's wrestling matches for fear I'd yell at everyone to BE NICE and stop fighting.

I'm serious.

MyMaracas said...

Spectacular post! PERFECT incorporation of the phrases and sooo funny. Ya done good, lady.

Lisa said...

Oh man, this post was the best one I think I've read so far. It's just too cute.

And damn girl. You are so effing hot in that outfit! holy shit. Boys and girls alike are going to be drooling and stalking you for showing that photo! ;)

I remember all those cold football days. I miss them.

Lisa said...

OH, and congrats on the DFL! I was so taken by your hot slamming body that I forgot to wish you that. lol

Cherie said...

LOLOL That was great! And Brava for not allowing yourself to be relegated to the concession stand. When I was 7, I used to play football with the neighborhood boys while all the girls played with their dolls. Conformity has never been my strong suit. LOL I think the Steelers will win, but throughout the playoffs everyone who's counted Arizona out has gotten a big bite on the ass. Besides, if we already knew who would win, why bother playing the game, right? ;)

Dianne said...

mrs c - I believe you're serious! lol
the kids were never a problem, the parents! - they're another story

mymaracas - thanks so much!! I'm really glad you enjoyed it

lisa - I do look fabulous don't I? hehehehehehehehe
I miss the football days so much, we had such good times together and the little kids were the best

cherie - good for you too! playing football is so much more fun than dolls
I think the Super Bowl will be a good game

Lisa said...

you're right about the parents... we never had trouble with the kids. they were a joy. i have to admit though... we were more fortunate with our group of parents than what we would hear from other teams and coaches. we really did end up with a great group and most of us are still friends as well as the kids.

Jay said...

LOL! This is your best post ever!

I'm glad you liked the little trophy. And don't forget that it's never too early to start working on next year's team! hahaha ;-)

Jay said...

Peee Esss: GAWD I love Lorelai and Rory Gilmore! haha

Raven said...

Reality wordzzles are so cool! This was great! I have to confess that football just baffles me. People have tried to explain it to me and I just don't get it. But I'm glad you get such joy out of it. Congrats on your award. I love Jay's thinking cap and his "disguise." Very funny.

Akelamalu said...

What a great post Dianne and you turned it into a Wordzzle! Clever girl. :)

Dianne said...

lisa - Jeffrey has a few friends from the team days - I was the only single mom and many of the wives - I hate to say it - were horribly bitchy to me
there were a few who asked me to teach them about football and they were great
one of the kids I coached is my accountant today

jay - you inspired me oh great one!! and I truly love my trophy -
The Gilmore Girls love you too you know

raven - that's how I am about basketball
Isn't Jay wonderful!! I love his disguise too, he's so clever :)

akelamalu - thanks Lady :)
as soon as I saw curtains and breeze I thought of that miserable concession stand and the rest just came to me
plus Jay is my muse ;)

quilly said...

I was trying so hard to picture the men in my family gathered around the TV with Starbucks and croissants in-hand while watching the game. I laughed so hard I almost choked. At my uncles house it's beer and 6 foot long sub sandwiches and the women are tolerated in the room for only as long as it takes them to refresh one or the other. Children (female children) aren't even permitted in the house. I spent many family gatherings outside shivering in the snow, or huddled in the garage with my girl cousins, so we wouldn't (supposedly) hear the men's horrid language. In truth, I think we were being trained to know our proper place and value.

Sleepypete said...

Lol - great post :-)

Ben the dog has a pose like that one ... It often comes out in the time just after dinner when he's wondering if there's any scraps likely to come his way !

PS I've played cricket in weather that was getting close to the snow and ice. I seem to remember a rather alarmed look on the face of our wicket keeper as my first ball sailed about 10 feet above him. It was so chilly I couldn't grip the ball properly !

Richard said...

I will play in your fantasy league any day girl. Loved this weeks post and you even got a big shout out to Jay in there as well. Awesome.

holly said...

this is so great! i am in awe of how you intertwined the wordzzle into real life. yay!!!

and i never knew what a hottie you are. showing a bit much cleavage for my taste, but what's a little boob between friends, eh?

Cloudia said...

what fun!!
Great post!
Aloha-

Dianne said...

quilly - I'd be a bit of a problem at the uncle's house ;)

sleepypete - the dog is Jay's niece - Cossette, she is an attention junkie :)
at football practice my hands would get so numb I couldn't hold my coffee ;)

rich - thanks!! Jay is the man - the commish for all seasons

holly - they gave me the wrong outfit, truly they did :)

Dianne said...

cloudia - thanks :)

Travis said...

I think it takes a certain amount of skill to finish dead last. I don't know what the method is to measure this skill, but I know there must be one.

Ah hell anyway. Gals who love football are sexy!

Dr.John said...

Well done as usual. To use the words as a regular blog is a real art.

Farmer*swife said...

HaHa! Adorable! Too funny! And, yes, the JAY-Man does rock!

Jeff B said...

Absolutely brilliant Dianne!

Whether congrats or condolences for achieving DFL are most appropriate I'm not sure, but either way would you please hold that trophy up again! Yaozer!

Dianne said...

travis - just like guys who like dancing!!

dr. john - thanks

farmers wife - he really is the best :) thanks

jeff - thanks!! I'm thrilled with DFL lol

Alice said...

Wow, Dianne, that's quite the story!! I know my stories were total fiction, though yours sounds like truth. Thanks for visiting my blog today.

Linda Reeder said...

Woooo-Hoooo for you!
I love your story, I love your trophy, and I love that you coached!

I was a soccer mom who taught her kids to love watching football.

The Quiet Rage said...

i love cynical bastard

the walking man said...

What is football? The rounded part of the sole of the foot? Why are there leagues for this ball on the foot?

Dianne said...

alice - your wordzzle debut was wonderful! I hope you join in every week :)

linda r - sports moms are so underestimated! good for you :)

quiet rage - he's the best :)

mark - you're so contrary sometimes ;)

Lisa said...

Every kid, every parent, no matter what background, social status, etc was welcomed onto our teams... single moms were given extra care and I always made it very clear that money or working schedules would never be an issue... the kids and the teams were my 'regular job' during the season, so I helped wherever possible. Other parents had to work real jobs... I didn't, and considered myself very fortunate for that. Sure, we had to sacrifice a lot back then, but that's what you do for your kids. I wouldn't change a thing.

We'd have taken care of you and if any of the moms would have been bitchy to you, I'd have personally taken care of that! I can be pretty scrappy! ;)

It sucks that you had to deal with that, but I guess you're used to dealing with this kind of crap... there should have been/should be more moms who get involved in more than the snack shack. You should have been applauded for taking a proactive role in Jeffrey's activities, learning the game, figuring out where you belonged for the team instead of just sitting on the sidelines all the time...

I'm sorry for the rambling, but this topic hits home for me. Being a coach is a huge part of my husband's legacy. I have so many letters from young men who took the time to let me know how much influence Jeff and I played in their lives growing up and how they knew they could come to us... I've been told many times how we were their 2nd set of parents.

I have many letters and notes from their parents thanking us for the time we gave and the role we played in their lives and the lives of their kids.

I wish you would have had that same experience. I wish you could have been one of our team parents.

Dianne said...

Lisa - I love you ...
it was 25-30 years ago and single Moms, especially in closed off Bensonhurst, were an oddity
and women and sports were in no way connected - there wasn't a single girl's team until the mid 90s
the kids made it all worthwhile and yes, I was used to the adult crap - there was also Jeffrey's color to endlessly answer questions about - and again, the kids made it all OK
Your Jeff has quite a legacy and an amazing keeper of the torch - you're pretty awesome ya know ;)

Reader Wil said...

Thanks for this wonderful and funny post. The photos and text are very amusing!
Have a great week!

Frank Baron said...

Fun, enjoyable post. Loved the pics. :)

gabrielle said...

Live drafts sound good to me. Where exactly do you feel them first?

Sarah Vowell...don't get me started. Can she be on our fantasy league?!!!

And yes, I believe the consensus is that vegetarian chili is the kiss of death.

Thanks for turning us on to Cynical Bastard. And once again kudos to your amazing grace as a mother, writer and coach.

bettygram said...

Great wordzzles. When in grade school I played football with the boys in the neighborhood, but parents objected. I still like football and I am watching the game going in and out. I have watched when I was the only person in the stands due to weather.

pink dogwood said...

wow - you coached. I never could get into football :(

btw, you have been tagged - hope you play :)

tt said...

What a super fabulous story!!!!! And a Ginornous tribute to our lovable Bastard!! I laughed all the way through it. Thanks babe!

I keep trying to understand Football....but it just does a 'fly-by' and poor Lovee gets flustered at times when he has to repeat something...over and over....and over.... lol
Fun though. I love to watch the rough and tumbleness of it all....is that a word? Such ....manly-ness!! lol...
I'll stop now.
You're still MY hero!

Dianne said...

wil - I'm so glad you enjoyed, thanks!!

frank - thanks :)

gabrielle - lol at live draft :)
jay is really cool, you'll enjoy reading him

bettygram - me too!! I never left early :)

pink - that's how I felt about basketball - just couldn't get into it

tt - jay is my ginormous blog crush - not counting you of course - but he's a Viking so that's a different category anyway
I took to football right away - weird
watch the offense - especially the wide receivers - they're like dancers :)

Matt-Man said...

Ha. Great pics, Di. And I dig the trophy you'se got from Jay. The '81 Ice Bowl between the Bengals and Chargers? It was -52 with the wind chill that day. Brrrrr. Cheers Di!!

Dianne said...

matt-man - when I opened dah troophee frum Jay I wuz all ver-klempt - fuhgetabadet!! It's fuckin' incredible Matty

Bob-kat said...

Congratulations on the DFL :)

Being a Brit 'football' is an entirely different ball game to me! Though I do understand that the Steelers just won the Superbowl, right?

Dianne said...

bob-kat - finally my DFL'ness has been recognized!! triumph is mine
Steelers won, it was a close game with some great plays - and I like the Steelers - bunch of tough guys :)
my son played soccer for a bit - he enjoyed it

Daryl said...

Oh. My. Gawd. What is it with today and the past.

I met Joe Namath at Bachelors III when he was trying to get a grip on his roving hands .. which seemed to want to travel up my leg, over my knee .. and each time it got blocked by my hand ... he bought us (me and two gal pals) drinks and tried a 3rd time to score .. alas his pass was intercepted yet again so left smiled and thanked us for visiting and off he went to try and score elsewhere ... my friends thought I was insane ... maybe

And then there was the email from the ex fiance who vanished from my life a lifetime ago and is in town ... I think he will also not score ..

Dianne said...

daryl - it happens sometimes - hasn't happened to me in a quite a while but ...
I'm so impressed that you turned Joe down!! I don't know if I would have - but then again I was a ho - I used to go to Bachelors!!

Deb said...

Okay - will I never learn? I should know by now that I can not have drink or food in my mouth when I read your posts! I am getting so tired of cleaning my computer screen! You are too funny! Good thing I had on a Depends! ;)

Micky-T said...

I'm so happy for you...DFL!

In Antigua for a two day sailboat race around the island, while stocking the beer and getting the crew on board [one other guy and four women] I told everyone we WILL be last. First day DFL, second day DFL. At the prize reception to start the anouncments, the MC made a fabulous comment to the crowd, that we all had to agree there were some big boats, little boats, fast boats and slow boats, but by far ther prettiest was who came in with the longest elapsed time. The crowd went nuts when he held up a bottle of rum and said, "For the crew of the prettiest little boat in the harbor, Caprifol"

DFL is a GOOD thing!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL....BRILIIANT, my dear. This is fun and informative too....!
You just amaze me how you get in ALL the words and whatever you write about, you pull me in!

I had a good laugh at all the pictures...particularly the Commish' "Disguise".....lol!

Tammy said...

Loved the post! That was too cute!

Anndi said...

Mama, I am so gonna be you when I grow up.

PERFECT!

Jay's hot too *wink*

Bond said...

It was a blast until that Rockdog clown beat me by 0.5 points...oooo the agony....

Maithri said...

You know my friend,

I think you could make me smile anytime, anywhere....

You are light.... not the scary neon kind...

Candlelight...the light that embraces the shadow...and burns softly through every night,

Love and laughter always,

M

Dianne said...

deb - I keep doing that to you don't I!! hehehehehehe

micky - we are DFL'ers !!
I love that

oldold lady of the hills - you are so generous with your praise! thank you
I love the disguise, the Commish is so clever ;)

tammy - thanks :)

anndi - be careful what you wish for!! heheheheh
I adore Jay!

bond - I climbed out of last once or twice - it made me anxious lol

maithri - thank you! you always make me feel so special, it's a gift you have
hugs sweet doctor

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