Hey, How You Doin' ...

... I loved when Billy Crystal said that during his 'You Look Marvelous' skits on SNL.

And that's about how I'm doin' - I'd really rather know how you're doing cause I'm so freakin' sick of me.

I've been thinking I might be able to sell a reality show of my life - I just can't decide what crappy cable network would be most receptive. We're regular folks, down to earth, so perhaps CMT. But my politics are far too left for the country fans and my taste in music is just too good. For all the crap about how liberal the media is I can't come up with a left like network.

Anyway -- before I get all over the place. The past couple of days have been a pain the ass. My poor yet sweet old car is losing its mind. The wiring in a VW is, at best, the psychotic weaves of a mad engineer; in a 15 year old car it becomes a real problem.

When I start the car the window opens and then won't close. This is always fun when it's raining - and absolute bliss if coupled with the windshield wipers not working.

The alarm won't arm itself - see now I can get behind that - and that would be fine with me if not for the fact that it then feels the need to go off - randomly - I'll be driving along and suddenly the horn will start blaring in a really awful beat and the flashers will flash - off beat of course. It's amazing how your mind can just shut down when sitting in a small confined space with deafening horns blaring.

The only way to stop it is to pull over, get out and lock and unlock the driver door with the key. VW doesn't "believe" in keyless entry. I long ago learned that meant they don't understand keyless entry.

With the help of my son and a neighbor - both good with cars - I think we found the source of the problem. I have managed to make two short trips without the horn going off - I really miss all the middle finger salutes I was getting.

I have decided the car is not reliable enough to tote Hope around in. And I really don't want to spend the rest of my days avoiding highways. Limits a person.

So I have begun the process of looking to use it to trade in for a newer car. I'll let you know about that adventure later.

Meanwhile I need to go see why the sump pump isn't pumping, then I have to figure out what's happening with my desktop - it likes to turn itself off. And my DVR won't fast forward - dear lord I'll have to watch Chris Christie ads!! More about him soon - fat fucking fraud that he is.

I wonder if the Sci-Fi Channel wants a reality show called 'When Bad Machines Attack Good People'

You can stop reading now. We have concluded my actual post. What follows is a post I was going to publish a few days ago - it was to be titled 'Kiss My Ass and Tolerate It' and was inspired by my dealing with big ass corporations who find it "intolerable" that I am having trouble paying my bills. I decided against posting it because I'm trying to stay perky - without the aid of drugs.

But I really do like it - hehehehehehe

So I sneak it in here...

I have discovered a trend. Large corporations, in efforts to stay afloat long enough to pay huge bonuses to half a dozen people at the top, are finding the real world “intolerable”

A collections agent from CitiGroup/CitiCorp/CitiBank – whatever their name is this week – calls me. I look at Caller ID and then decide what the hell.

Me: “Hello”
Collections Dick: “Mrs ---, this is --- from …
Me (interrupting): “Yes I know who you’re calling for”
CD: “We need to discuss your account”
Me: “You can review it if you want but I have already told you what I can pay and when”
CD: “But you do not answer our calls”
Me: “I have nothing new to tell you. And I did answer today, aren’t we talking right now?”
CD: “We need to know that you are committed to resolving this situation”
Me: “I am committed to resolving this situation”
CD: Dead silence
Me: “Anything else?”
CD: “This is an intolerable situation Mrs ---“
Me: “I feel for CitiWhatever, really I do – what with your sudden downturn followed by bailout money and huge profits - but you will just have to tolerate it – have a good night”
I hung up

I am struggling with the mortgage payments. I have been playing catch up and fall behind most of this year. I have filled out “hardship forms” which seem to exist solely in order to give the bank a reason to create a new department; I have answered every question asked of me and I pay all the late fees.

I recently got a letter that used the word “intolerable” 4 times in 2 paragraphs.

It is “intolerable” that I don’t return their calls
It is an “intolerable” situation that my payments are consistently late
They “can not tolerate” this sustained situation – way to change it up!
They are certain that I see the need to resolve this “intolerable” situation – well now they’re redundant again

I’ve been calling various service providers to change plans and cut back services in order to cut expenses.

The lawn guy – Yes!! The lawn guy – tells me my lawn won’t “tolerate” the lack of service
Verizon hopes I understand that my contract with them doesn’t “tolerate” the changes I’m requesting
One of the utility companies informs me that revising my budget plan is “intolerable”
My wireless carrier finds it “intolerable” that the credit card my service is billed to is often declined

So – I have come to the conclusion that the recession/really a depression has become an “intolerable” situation for many, many large multi billion dollar corporations. Even my lawn guy is but a pawn for a giant franchise.

Good Heavens. How they are suffering.

One of my many 2nd or 3rd extra part time jobs over the years was calling parents to renew their subscriptions to a well know children’s publication. We were coached on how to present the terms of the new subscription in as confusing a manner as possible. We were coached on how to make a resistant parent feel guilty for “not spending pennies on your child’s education”.

I was called out many times for clearly stating what the payments would be. I was called out for telling distraught, frustrated parents that it was OK not to renew. Yes – food is more important.

I organized a revolt in the break room. Over 80% of the staff spent an entire weekend telling parents it was OK.
Then I quit and sent a letter to the NY Dept of Consumer Affairs and the NY State Board of Education. I never checked to see what happened – new evils took priority.

If any of you collection dicks – or dickesses – are reading this. Stage a revolt in the break room. OK - maybe you need the job. Then at least accept that you’re a whore for a company that doesn’t care any more about you then it does about me. Find that “intolerable”. Think about how your CEO is most likely sniffing cocaine off his girl friend’s ass while his wife and kids summer in the Hamptons. On our dimes – that are worth a penny. Bonuses are back. They have learned nothing and until they are properly and fairly regulated they never will.

If any of you reading this are being hounded by collections or haunted by debts – buck up and fuck them! Don’t be intimidated. Don’t be made to feel a failure. Don’t panic. That’s what they count on.

If the average working person can tolerate killing themselves to fall behind while trying to keep their home, pay enormous insurance premiums and feed their kids well then …

These bastards can tolerate the real world as well.

There are all these “birthers” and “healthcare town hall meeting disruptors” roaming about hollering their crazy ass heads off while the bulk of us just go about our business.

I keep hoping for a revolution in this country but I keep finding evidence that the wrong people are revolting.