Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Wired To Fail

Technology is killing me.

Add to that the fact that apparently NJ is a freakin' third world nation that can't keep electrical power going.

Yes - I have bitched about this before.

We have had more power outages than usual the past few weeks. Once I think someone spit somewhere and NJ thought it was raining. Then there are the drunks running into conduit boxes and poles.

The standard line around here if power goes out on a Friday or Saturday night is "Must be closing time at Fridays"

My server and router and thingie and do-hickey are all wired in the basement. It is a lovely rats nest of wires and clamps and plugs. The more important a connection is the deeper it is buried.

Amidst all this chaos is the power surge protector and battery back-up. It's the black box next to the other black box behind the larger black box. It connects everything to electrical power through a series of tubes - just like the way the Internet runs.

Lately the black box goes berserk when power is restored. It emits a high piercing shriek and the system shuts down. Do not ask me why but the only way to fix this is to pull out all the connections, shut down the main switch, walk around it three times chanting and then sprinkle pixie dust.

Long ago I gave up questioning why things were done the way they were and I stopped challenging so called experts. If I hadn't I'd be in prison right now. Or dead from that last nerve I'm living on finally snapping.

Computer guy blames electrician #2.
Electrician #2 blames Electrician #1.
Electrician #1 has not been heard from since I threw him out of the house screaming "I'll fucking kill you. I'll kill you so hard that the next 5 generations of your whole fucking family will die"

Trust me - he deserved it. On a good day he was only 3 hours late and slightly drunk. He didn't see any problem with the range hood causing the outdoor lights to go out.

Today the security system guy decided to join the cast of this long running farce.

The battery in the main box needed to be replaced. Period. Just that. Only that.

Since I can't run up and down the stairs like I used to I had to leave him down there alone for a few minutes while I signed for UPS packages.

That's when the high piercing shrieking began.

I throw myself down the stairs muttering "WTF" to find alarm person fussing with computer cables.

Because they were there
Because he thinks he's an expert
Because he has a penis

"I can't get this to stop shrieking" he says. "Do you have official pixie dust?" I ask.

I would have shut down the system but it had already crashed. That was a time saver.

I pulled all the plugs and told him to replace the battery. He tried to tell me the electrical supply for the box was in the wrong place but he took one look at my face and backed away slowly. The electrical supply for the security system box has always been there, has never had a problem. If he wants to put his own personal mark of creativity on something he should paint or sculpt. Otherwise - replace the battery and leave before your future generations are in peril.

Once he left I crawled around the rats nest and reconnected everything. Then I booted the system, redid the FIOS nonsense, reset the Internet crap and had a cocktail.

It's windy tonight so there's a good chance the power will go out.

Hope I have enough pixie dust.

btw - I turned comments off on the slice of cake post - I just wanted to say thanks and didn't want people to feel they had to thank me for the thanks.


Anonymous said...

hehhe.. never dull at your place is it? I recall being in a place which also had a security thingamajiggy... well the cable guy said the phone did it wrong and the phone guy blamed the security system.

We cut the wire to security system, ran our own jacks then got the box and modem from cable and hooked it all up ourselves. PERFECT!!

Can we say one hand feeds another sham! Ugh.

Hugs. TaMmy

Linda Reeder said...

You are sooooo entertaining when you get angry. While I do wish you smoother sailing, I would so miss the rants.

bobbie said...

Ditto waht Linda said.

As for your thank you post, the picture sas soooo cute! and the slice of cake looked scrumptious!

Jay said...

I can only imagine the fit that Holmes on Homes guy on DIY and HGTV would throw if he saw that. haha ;-)

"Because he has a penis." I LOL'd at that.

Cherie said...

Shall I perform an exorcism for your Frankenstein monster in the basement. I get my license next week. ;)

Cherie said...

P.S. Jay gave me an idea. You should write or e-mail Holmes on Homes. He's a guy who can do things write. And he LOVES to bitch about the contractors who were there before him screwing everything up.

Mrs. C said...

No, power goes out here, too, but if you go a little further out in the country everyone has a generator and kills his own chickens.

I'm in the 'burbs so I just get cold and gripe when the power goes out. Funny thing is, people across the street are on a different transformer than we are and when our power goes out they're all still happily eating dinner in lighted houses. Yeah, that's fun to look at. :P

I was going to write on the thankyou post what a good job your friend Hilary did with photoshop or whatever. :]

Hilary said...

I suspect you could stop a guy dead in his tracks with a look. I envy that ability. ;)

Thanks, Mrs. C. :)

Liberality said...

Why does it all have to be so complicated?

This blaming the other guy goes on in my library too. It is a huge waste of time!

Jeff B said...

Hey, I have a penis.

I didn't realize I was an electrician!

Michael Manning said...

lol! It's very frustrating and it consumes so much emotional energy too, Dianne. I am hoping for the best. There has to be a simpler solution. I feel you will network yourself to a kind person who can look over the situation and propose a solution.

Scott Oglesby said...

God damn that was some funny shit Dianne. I have a penis, and I can honestly say that I’m not an expert in anything. Anything. I seriously don’t even know how to sprinkle pixie dust, or where a person would find such magical dust? And every single electrician that I’ve ever known is slightly drunk…even when they’re not.

Matt-Man said...

So...What's the problem? Cheers Di!!

the walking man said...

See the three multi connectors on the bottom of the board. Notice the red wire on the middle connector? It needs to be moved up four places. Then your system will run like a Swiss watch.

Doc said...

Holy Moly that is a mess !!

Lu' said...

I have to laugh Dianne I'm sorry you sure do put one hell of a spin on your wiring nightmare. Of course I liked the part, because he has a penis ha ha ha. Carry on though OK you are a pleasure.

Robin said...

Ugh, sounds like my cable company. Can I get some of that pixie dust please?

Bond said...

That looks very very wrong...something should be done to correct it..sorry, I could not resist

Daryl said...

GAH ... I think I am using that threat next time one of the IT guys here insists on 'helping' when he isnt asked ... and say thank gawd you dont use Time-Warner and their crapola Road Runner ... Road Crawler is more apt

Daryl said...

CRAWLER .. Road CRAWLER .. aaarrgh

Ron said...

Oh dear god...there is so much about this HYSTERICAL post that I want to comment about, but it would take me an hour to say it.

Once I think someone spit somewhere and NJ thought it was raining.


walk around it three times chanting and then sprinkle pixie dust.


OMG...I LOVE you! Those were BRILLIANT!

This is the second post I've read today about people having power outages. The other one was someone who lived in NY. Florida is notorious for power outages. I always had a plethora of candles stocked up when I lived there because it happened constantly.

Anyway, dear lady...sorry about your power outage, but thank you for the wonderful laughs!

You're da' BOMB!


shelly said...

You cracked me up, as usual ;)
Hey...sorry I missed your birthday!
Stuff's gettin' done around here, but that means no bloggie for the old gal at the old farm.
Oh yeah...and I've been needing to call an electrician for a couple of weeks now, I almost got up the courage and now...mayyybe not.

Micky-T said...

Admit it Dianne, this whole post was written because *you have a vagina*.

Akelamalu said...

Sounds like you can do a better job than Electrician #1!

Hope you don't get too many power cuts m'dear.x

Reb said...

I agree with Jay, you need Holmes! That is certainly a snakes nest of wires - what's up with the tanks below? "Because he has a penis" is the best answer.

Thanks for the cake ;)

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Was it always like this? I DON'T THINK SO...! The incompetance that exists now---the "I really-don't-know-anythihg-and-I-don't-care-except-I-will-screw-this-up-for-you-if-I-can" attitude that is rampant now--like a contagious disease---is so disheartening, discouraging and deeply depressing...I Could Cry.
So I empathize my dear, I truly do. I don't even have a Computer person anymore....They are all NUTS!!!
So....I wish you ALL Good luck with all of these electrical screw-ups!

Mountain Photog said...

LOLOLOLOL! What a great post, Dianne! You made my day! Your sense of humor is divine--unlike your internet and electrical connections, which look like the road to hell. At least our Internet road to hell is all crammed into a small box. Unpacking it is worse than trying to untangle 5 sets of Christmas tree lights but, thank goodness, I don't have to mess with it very often.

Surely there must be women in this field??

Loved the photo of Hope in the previous post! And that cake looked fantastic. :)

Nessa said...

The number of poles hit in NJ must be the highest in the nation. It's that only time I lose power.

Car Goes Boom

ds said...

HOWLING with laughter!!! "Because he has a penis" Yep. That's what they think. Can you teach the rest of us that Look?

Anonymous said...

It's the same over here and yet everyone has to have a professional qualification to do the job to justify the huge expense of them coming into your home, wasting your time and charging you the earth for the privilage. So, what are they teaching them on these courses? Creative marketing and anti-customer service?

I sympathise with your plight. I had a leaky hoit water tank recently which turned the dining room into an inddor pond. The plumber cmae out, replaced parts (kept me waiting for an hour to turn up) and then strated everything up. The new pump sounded like a chugging outboard motor everytime I used the hot tap. When I pointed this out he asked " Can you live with it?". WTF?!!! Lucklily his future generations are safe as he fixed it. I think I had the same expression on my face as yours.

Take care my friend and thanks for your recent visit :)


Anonymous said...

Sorry about all the typos - hopefully you get the gist!


Raven said...

You have my sympathies! Worst thing for me about electric stuff is I have no idea how it works so I feel extra defenseless in the face of idiots who also don't know how it works but think they do.

When I lived in Narrowsburg the power went out regularly. Luckily Hancock seems to be good and the worst that happens is that it goes off for a second or two (still a nuisance).

Anway, sorry about that.

Belated Happy Birthday! I KNEW I was forgetting someone.

Linda said...

Ohmygawd, Dianne, you totally crack me up! Every time you go on one of these wonderful rants it transports me right back to my days of living in New Jersey!

On a semi-related note, you would have loved the conversation I had with my son today about how the word 'douche' is becoming extremely popular and is being turned into many different forms and varieties. Quite the conversation for the iHop!

CG said...

How frustrating. Sometimes I despair at how complicated every bloody thing is these days!

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