Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I Am So Over Summer

Now that Hope's birthday has come and gone may we please skip right to September?

The temperature in my back yard reads 105. I feel like I'm in freakin' Arizona; I keep looking over the fence to see if there's someone I should shoot first and ask for papers later.

One Hundred and Five Degrees! That's just ridiculous.

Hope's party was a success. An excess of course, but Hope was happy and her tiny guests had a great time in the pool.

I'll share a few photos later this week. I took 319 and I haven't edited yet.

July 4th sucked. It's always been one of my least favorite holidays. I don't get the need to be drunk and shoot off illegal fireworks in order to celebrate freedom.

My newest neighbors - over the fence behind me - all look like this ...



... and spent the entire 4th eating and drinking out of the back of a red pick-up. The moment the sun set they spent hours shooting off loud and obnoxious fireworks. No color or beauty, just noise and gun powder. Drunk, loud, and dangerous. God Bless America.

At the end of the day on the 4th I turned to Craig Ferguson and the Boston Pops. That sucked too.

As if I hadn't had enough white trash for the day this asshat was featured guest ...



He loves the troops so much he just can't stop making money off them. In between his two musical segments they showed enough footage of Toby "in country" to make you assume he was the new leader of the axis of goodness.

I watched as if I were an alien to this great land. Not the kind they send back as soon as they're done mowing the lawn but the kind from another planet.

Apparently Lady Liberty is only TV worthy if she has big bazonkers ...



All soldiers are damn happy to put themselves in harm's way for no good reason. They kept cutting to one kid who looked positively possessed by the patriotic fever as he staggered about punching the flag on his uniform shoulder and shouting "Oh Yeah".

Children are all blonde and angelic and nestle perfectly into the arms of adoring parents as they all stare wistfully at 2.5 million dollars worth of crap shoot into the air.

I always think of all the bits of paper and powder dropping into the river. And the sparks. If they had a fireworks show anywhere on the Gulf Coast I imagine this might happen ...



Even Craig couldn't lighten the show for me. Although I did imagine he was wearing these ...



... under his suit.

That's dedicated to you RON

Is it September yet?

22 comments:

Ron said...

OH. MY. GOD. DIANNE!

As soon as I saw your post title on my reader, I FLEW over.

This post had me rolling on the floor. And that Hello Kitty g-string? PRICELESS! It totally sent me over the edge of HK insanity.

You and I are in the exact same mood right now. I've never felt so irritable in all my life, and I know it has to do with this HORRENDOUS HEAT. Have you ever felt a summer THIS hot in the northeast before? I've spent the past three days indoors watching DVD's because I refuse to go outside in this heat for more than 30 minutes at a time. Plus, I'm tired of smelling everyone's B.O. as I walk down the city streets - HA! Even with my A/C unit on in my apartment, it still feels hot. I don't care what anyone says, it's much easier to get warm than it is to get cool.

Bring on September. And bring on the cold!

Thank you for allowing me to vent, dear lady. You are the only one of my blogging friends who feels the same way I do about summer.

I feel much better now.

I think.

X and coolness to you and the gang!

ellen abbott said...

I'd much rather be hot than cold but I gotta tell you, enough is enough. It is so hot and humid that all I have to do to start sweating (and I don't mean some pussy little perspiring, I mean rolling off my face and dripping) is go stand outside for 5 minutes, in the shade.

I am a fan of fireworks however, but I hate the uber over the top shit that passes for 'patriotism' these days.

Linda Reeder said...

This post is just amazing - so funny, so true, so irreverently profound!

Jeff B said...

Well now aren't you a ray of flippin sunshine!?!

Here's wishing you some cooler weather...:)

Dianne said...

ron - good lord I'm going to burst into flames if this doesn't stop soon!!
I googled 'lady liberty bimbo' in a last resort to find shots of this chorus line of cheerleaders I saw on CBS, all dressed as Lady Liberty except for Toby Keith t-shirts and boobs falling out all over the place
I never could find them but I did find HK
It was the ba-zillionith time I thought of you this weekend ;)

ellen - I sweat in the winter! LOL

linda r - "irreverently profound" - I hope you know how much I love that!! thank you :)

jeff - I'm nothing if not perky ;)

Kay Dennison said...

It's been hot here but not that hot!!! I don't do well with winter. Ice and snow are difficult for me. I'm running my ceiling fans a lot but mostly I can deal with it.

Grayquill said...

Bad day huh? Sorry.

Scott Oglesby said...

It is hilarious how fucking similar our minds work Dianne. Every time I see those country singers I think the same thing. Isn’t it just surprising that they happen to all have the same ‘down home values’ that their core market audience has?

Be thankful that you at least have AC. It’s just as hot here and nobody has AC. It is a pool day…. Again.

Akelamalu said...

I love it hot but of course it never lasts for long here.

Your neighbours sound like the neighbours from hell!!! :0

Arkansas Patti said...

You always tip toe around a subject, let us know how you really feel:)))
The best thing about that hairy beerbelly is that you are not required to spoon with it in this heat like his "lucky" lady has to.
Hopefully, they will move on.

Matt-Man said...

Stop it, just stop it. Do not wish Summer away. Cheers Di!!

DJan said...

Here in the PNW, yesterday (July 6) was the first day it was over 60 degrees here. It felt actually HOT but I can guess that by the end of the week there will be plenty of us joining you in being so over summer! Very very good post, and I agree with you about the way some people celebrate this holiday.

Sallie (FullTime-Life) said...

Dianne? This'd be funny if it weren't so true.

Can't do anything (legal) about the neighbors (we've all got some like that)...but girl, turn off the TV! Especially on Holidays.

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

It's 104 degrees here today. A tad bit warm for me but its summer. I like the 85 days. I am so not a winter person and am cringing at the thought! I am so glad Hope had a nice birthday and I cant wait to see the wonderful pics I know you took! Sorry your 4th sucked! It's awful to have shitty neighbors!
Sending you hugs and smiles!
<><

Dianne said...

kay - I have difficulties with ice and snow as well but I love the cold temps

grayquill - not a bad day really just frustrated by stupid stuff (and people) and irritable from the heat

scott - I LOVE that we think alike since I think you're brilliant :)
no AC!!! that would kill me
I remember I was in London once during a freak heat wave and there was no AC
they saw the ugly American in me that week

akelamalu - they are from hell
last night they had the blinds open and had really disgusting porn on the huge flat screen
we can see right into their house from our top floor
my son said he'll just ignore them for now but once it's cooler and Hope's window is open they need to close their blinds

patti - you know me - I like to be subtle lolololololol
the "ladies" in this group don't look much different from the guys

matt-man - if there were winter jackets that showed off boobies you wouldn't care what season it is ;)

DJan - 60 degrees sounds so delightful!

sallie - in the past Craig was fun and the Boston Pops were amazing and the guests were good
this was a terrible year for that show

noe noe - to me 85 is sweltering so 105 is just plain unearthly ;)
I love to be cold
hugs to you too - from me and Hope
party photos soon :)

Daryl said...

Sigh .. it was hot but I had no idea how hot til I got home and heard on the news it hit 103 ... yowza ..

Reb said...

Dianne, you need to come to Canada! Well, not Ontario, they are having the same heat wave you are right now.

I like it warm, I rarely turn on my a/c, just when I am having a hot flash ;) I hate extremes of temperature though. Rich Canadians have the right idea...winters in Southern States and summers here ;)

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

I love summer Dianne...sorry...I despise the winter now and it has nothing to do with boobies like some others...I just enjoy the hot weather.

Hope you find some comfort

JC said...

You are so funny !!!

It was 102 yesterday and I live where it normally rains. Today it's only 97 and 86 in the shade.
I either get rain or too hot .. I just want 70 with a breeze.

Love your 4th of July info ...

Pagan Sphinx said...

Jeez, I went to the Hello Kitty store in Japantown, San Francisco and I didn't see those undies in WP's size!

christopher said...

Sorry that I missed this post a few days ago.

You are naturally and exceedingly funny.

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