Don't Bug Me While I'm Driving

On my way to an appointment I stopped in Target’s parking lot to make a phone call; I don’t have hands free and would never talk while driving anyway. While I was on the phone I noticed all these little buggy, hoppy, flying things around the tree I was parked under. They looked like they were tiny mutant moths; except they made a horse fly type sound when they flew.

I closed the windows and didn’t give them a second thought.

Driving along the state highway I saw one of the mutants on the window but a tap on the glass confirmed he was outside. “Asshat” I said aloud, “if I pick up speed you’re gonna be sorry.” It must be the equivalent of a human clinging to a jet.

At the next red light I even took a few shots (see below) – the camera rides shotgun.

Traffic got complicated with idiots who need two lanes to turn off and bigger idiots who change lanes without signaling so I lost track of my mutant friend until the next red light. I was surprised that he was still there and had moved all the way across the window. I really wanted him to leave while the car was still.

I tapped the glass.

And he jumped into my open hand and began thrashing about and buzzing like a lunatic.

And the light turned green. And he wouldn’t leave my hand. And people don’t wait.

So off I drive trying to steer with my knee and open the window with my left hand while the buzzing mutant just hangs on to my right hand for dear life.

The knee and the left hand just weren’t cutting it.

I flap my right hand like I’m doing a jazz revival and he buzzes around the interior long enough for me to open the window.

And he goes right to the window.

And he makes a wicked U-turn and heads straight into my ear. And he rests on my ear. And then he gets tangled up in my hair.

And I’m doing 50 on a state highway. And of course the lights are green for as far as I can see.

I head for the first driveway I see and pull in. I open all the windows of the car and shake my head while covering my ears. I swear he’s gone.

I sit back.

And I hear the buzzing. He is on the back of my neck, making his way into the back of my shirt. This SOB loves me to death.

I jump out of the car and begin doing a dance while shaking my clothes and mumbling eek and uh and oh.

I hear a little voice – “Miss Alice, I think Jeremy’s grandma is here”.

I am in the parking lot of a daycare center. Right in front of the swing set.

“Jeremy, your grandmother is here” – this kid is getting on my nerves. Maybe I’m Jeremy’s Mom, who is he to judge.

“That’s not Grammy” a new little voice shrieks. I assume I am about to meet Jeremy.

I turn to face more than a dozen little people. Eyes wide open. Tiny mouths agape.

The first boy steps forward and accusingly says – “you’re not Jeremy’s grandmother”. I decide not to point out to him that he was the one who said I was.

My eyes search for an adult. Miss Alice is headed my way. All 6 feet, 250 pounds of her. Striding effortlessly across the grass in sensible shoes. My mind wanders to the imagery of what Mama Bears do when their cubs are threatened.

“What’s going on here?” Miss Alice asks in a surprisingly melodic voice.

To the best of my recollection I respond – “there was a bug and I thought it was on the outside of the window but it must have been inside except I did tap the window so I guess there were 2 bugs and then the bug was in my hair and in my ear and it buzzes really loud you know and the traffic was fast and I couldn’t steer and open and get him out and then he was in my clothes and I saw a driveway and that boy said I was Jeremy’s grandmother but I’m not Jeremy’s grandmother and Jeremy knows that so he got upset and I don’t like to kill any creatures but he was buzzing so loud and …”

I don’t think I ever took a breath and I do think I went on for a full five minutes.

I could feel the children’s eyes glued to me. This was way more interesting than swinging or sliding.

I guess Miss Alice has heard it all in what I assume has been a long career because all she said was – “well OK then”.

I got back in the car. I’m pretty sure the bug left when he saw Miss Alice.

As I turned the car around to leave I heard one of the girls say – “she didn’t want to kill the bug, she’s a nice lady but she’s really weird”.

These shots are in the order I took them. It's clear from the last shot that there were 2 bugs and one of them was inside but that didn't dawn on me when it was all happening.