Sunday, March 4, 2012

A New Nation Shall Come Forth

If you’re squeamish about ‘lady parts’ or ‘gentlemen’s equipment’ you may not want to read this
According to Mitt Romney, and further confirmed by the ass backwards Supreme Court, corporations are people.

Charlton Heston, bless his gun toting dead heart, told us that Soylent Green was people.

Today we are being asked to recognize that sperm are people. Is sperm singular or plural?  Since they travel in packs I assume plural although it only takes one … It’s all so confusing but we really should NEVER bog ourselves down in thought. This is America, reasoning has no place here.

I am the caretaker of a vagina that does, from time to time, meet up with sperm. In my younger days it was a virtual dance club for fun seeking sperm people. I do not have a uterus any longer – ya know that special womby place where sperm goes to get plastic surgery – and I’m really worried. Does this mean that I am the flesh and blood facsimile of a sperm people killing machine? When they hit the cervix do they look into the abyss and scream?

Am I a Nazi to sperm, a one woman wave of genocide?

Before the sperm take over, shall I try to atone by lurking in drug stores dismantling spermicidal packages?

Sing their national anthem?

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Let the heathens spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
thank you Monty Python

Fly their flag?

Become enraged at their disasters?

What would the right wing say is the right thing?


ellen abbott said...

If sperm are people too then it just follows that every man who masturbates or pulls out at the last minute is a baby killer and will be subject to arrest. Can't wait!

Tracy said...

Aren't politics becoming so irrational? Some of the things that fly out of 'their' mouths aret ruly insulting and ridiculous! Thanks for making me smile with your post this morning!

Sylvia K said...

Amen, amen and add me to the list!! I surely don't ever have to worry about gaining weight during the political season! I'm almost afraid to turn on the TV for fear I'll throw my chair at it every time one of these totally disgusting MF's face shows up -- which these days is nearly all the time. Love your post, Dianne, no one says it better!!


Oh, don't forget to give Hope a big hug!

Twin City Joan said...

That's the funniest thing I have read in a long while. Thanks for the good laugh.

Kay L. Davies said...

Fabulous post, Dianne. So, let me get this straight for when the rabid-right-wing Canadian government comes up with the same idea—sperm are people. Each spermatozoon is a person? Or en masse the spermatozoa are a person?
Okay, I checked the Huffington Post. "Sperm people" and "egg people" —this nonsense is going on while real, living, breathing people are being murdered on the streets, slaughtered in foreign wars, killed at home by their spouses, parents, and children? While women, children and even men are being raped, beaten, starved, bullied, belittled, and driven to suicide?
Politicians are wasting their time on sperm and egg people while real people, the ones who voted for them (heaven help them) are dying?
Utter nonsense. Glad you came out with a real rebuttal to it. While we're at it, I'll send my husband out to suggest legislation that dogs are people, too. He'd do it, for Lindy.

Kay Dennison said...

Well said!!! I think you prolly already know that I agree with you. The ignorance expressed by the GOP is astounding -- even to my jaded old soul.

The Pope made his pronouncement on birth control and 98% of American Catholic women ignored him. Have you noticed that the Vatican hasn't said a word? They know we would vote with our feet and our wallets.

DJan said...

Oh, Dianne, I laughed out loud so hard at that second cartoon that my eyes were leaking! This is just the best take on the whole crappy situation I've seen. Let's hear it for Monty Python, too! You are just the best. My day just got a whole lot brighter, thanks to you...

DJan said...

I also meant to mention that has a book review of "Why Have Children" that addresses what to do with your little leftover zygotes. :-)

Mike said...

Now you'll have to do a post explaining the Republican female.

Rambling Woods said...

You a fellow slut..I had wondered if there would soon be some law that all eggs and sperm would have to be harvested and put up for adoption.. because it is to me, the natural conclusion to this..wait.. I had to throw up..I am feeling better now.. ROFLMAO on this post...

Sallie ( said...

So funny Di! One consolation is that the republican party really does seem like it is in danger of blowing itself up (or imploding)over this issue . Couldn't happen too soon for me.

Sallie ( said...

PS: I usually don't take the time to read all the comments on my favorite blogs, but on Forks I do -- makes me happy to hear from so many smart women!

Grayquill said...

I have no idea what you are talking about but you are way too funny...I got a good laugh.
I guess I could go read the link but from your post i am sure it is not worth it.

Fireblossom said...

Well, just because men HAVE sperm, doesn't mean that they have to ACT on that! I think they should just keep it in there, where it can't get into mischief. Sort of a don't ask don't spill policy. :-P

Ron said...

BRAVA, Lady Dianne!!!!!!!

Faaaaaaaaaabulous post!

And it's funny because one of my other blogging friends posted on this topic today too. But, not NEARLY as brilliant as you did.

Well said!

And that last graphic made me HOWL! HILARIOUS!!!!!!

Thanks for the great vent and laugh!

X ya bunches, dear lady!

I'm With Stupid said...

Using their logic, any woman who has ever refused to have sex with me, and there are A LOT of 'em, has murdered a potential baby.


HermanTurnip said...

Our political system is compromised by big money and big corporations.

Our bodies shouldn't be the concern of big government.

Monty Python's "Monty Pyton and the Holy Grail" comes out on blu-ray this coming Tuesday. Yay!!

tattytiara said...

Any man who ejaculates anything more than a single sperm into an ovulating woman is a mass murderer.

Cherie said...

Oy! Unbelievable.

Au and Target said...

You'd love Malaysia. I discovered this week that you can't put arabic script in a newspaper because newspaper is used to pack fish, cart away rubbish etc and any rubbish touching arabic type print would be disrespectful to islam.

Try and get your mind round that!

Akelamalu said...

OMG you do make me laugh Dianne. :)

Jeni said...

That is hysterical -and also very insane too! Love it!

"Auntie" sezzzzzz... said...

Sperm IS people.


My brain just kind of exploded.


"Seeing what is in front of one's nose requires a constant struggle."
~~George Orwell

Daryl Edelstein said...

I say ask Newt or Rush both are huge asses and have had many wives and both think they know whats best for your womb

Sleepypete said...

Massive LOL :-)

Oh and everything associated with politics is insane. Sooner or later we'll have a collective revolution where all the politicians are rounded up ...

Ivanhoe said...

I don't even have words. What happened to America, the free country? .sigh. I do not want to live in dictatorship. Ever again.

ds said...

*snort* Just when I thought they'd run out of reasons for us to question their sanity...
Where would we be without the Pythons? Or you.

Hilary said...

What a hoot.. you and your wonderful readers. Who could.. conceieve such nonsense. ;)

pink dogwood said...

Absolutely hilarious and sad

Gina said...

You are a badass writer, Lady! :-)

I just wanted you to keep going and going!

This whole sperm are people nonsense is a hot-button issue for a lot of right now.

Thanks for this. xxoo

Linda Reeder said...


OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

It is interesting, my dear. Years ago I wrote a one act play called "THE START OF THE BLUES" about me---well, that two entities that became me....The little boy sperm and the old old egg that met up and became "me". Of course they both spoke in my little one act play....Were they both people? I think so....but, I only know about my conception---No One Elses...!
I love this post!!!!

Sorry it took me so long to get here---I haven't had access to The Internet since Late Friday Night--Well, early Saturday A.M. FINALLY...The Wizard came today and fixed it!!! So, now I'm here!