First Do No Harm

This post is a bit longer than usual because of all the dialogue (hehehehehe) and because I just had to stop editing; the subject makes my blood boil and I couldn’t read it one more time.

So you have high blood pressure and low pressure
Excuse me
That’s what you circled

I had noted that historically my blood pressure has been normal or low but on my last clinic visit it was high; I tried to explain that to him

Would you like to see the meds they gave me?
No response
I sat there holding out the med bottle; finally I shook it at him and he took it
He barely looked at it and then he threw it on the examining table that was between us

And so began the appointment with the primary care physician I have been waiting for since February

He stood at a little shelf near the door, his body mostly turned away from me
There was a chair and writing desk right next to me
He rifled through the medical history booklet I had filled out as if he were handling explosives wrapped in garbage

You’ve had an arthritis work-up
Nothing was ever posed as a question but as an accusation
No, I’ve tried to tell you twice now that I have not had any medical care other than the emergency clinic in five years. Did I circle yes to arthritis? I don’t think I did
You circled muscle and joint pain and mobility limits
And that can only be from arthritis?
No answer

The visit had started on a positive note. The medical assistant was pleasant and professional. We talked about how I had cut down on how much I smoke and had still been able to lose a few pounds as well. I told her that I wished I could walk more but the pain got in the way as did my balance issues. She said I should ask the doctor for a walker prescription as other patients used them for exercise and found them helpful. She was encouraging.

You need to lose weight and stop smoking
I know, I ….
I was about to ask him about the walker but he interrupted me once again

I don’t treat smokers
Excuse me?
I don’t treat smokers

Then why am I going through all of this. I indicated how much I smoke on the survey. I told your assistant I smoked. Why would you spend all this time being so rude and abrupt when you had no intention of treating me?

I think you’re overlaying your negative attitude onto me

Really. My negative attitude. This dick had just spent 15 minutes being abusive and I was the negative one.

I had hoped to be able to put up with him long enough to get an orthopedic referral but now I did what I had wanted to do about two minutes in …

Up out of the chair, grasping my cane to keep from throwing something at his face, I told him what a piece of shit he was. My face felt hot and I imagine my blood pressure was real high. I got that whirring sound in my head that indicates rage.

You fucking piece of shit. Look at you. With your short sleeved dress shirt buttoned all the way up. You’re a pussy boy. You get off on judging people. I imagine you really hate your patients. They must get in the way of the time you spend with internet porn and role playing games. Bet you’re a wizard in some chat room somewhere you miserable sack of crap.

By this time I have flung open the examining room door and I’m desperately trying to keep my balance – literally and emotionally.

I see the exit sign and as I head for it I see this woman in a nurse’s uniform charging down the hall and reaching out for the doctor’s arm. Swear, she had to be 100 years old.

As I kicked open the back exit to the parking lot I heard a voice that sounded like mine

There ya go pussy boy, momma nurse will protect you from the big fat smoking monster. Go bury your head in her tits you fucking asshole.

I was parked right there by the door and I have no recollection of leaving the lot. I had to pull over a few moments later when I realized my seat belt beeper was screaming. I sat there shaking and crying for a bit and then I took a deep breath and drove home.

I wonder if I need to look for another doctor.

This was last Thursday. Today I found another doctor and will be seeing her next week. I told her receptionist what had happened with the first doctor and was assured that this doctor treats everyone.