Saturday, February 16, 2008

A Sick Day Before I Die?


The pressure in my head is excruciating. When I swallow my ears make a crinkling sound (the bats in my belfry?), my eyes are red and tearing and my nose – oh my nose! I am making such horrid honking sounds that the golf course wants to hire me to scare the geese away. When I’m not honking I’m sniffling and making a vacuum type sucking sound that can’t be good. Where is all that stuff going!? Straight to my brain I assume.

Creating little mucus tumors that will burst and cause my head to explode.

It’s all the discomfort of being on a plane without getting to go anywhere!

I’ve always had sinus issues. I’m guessing it’s genetic – Mom always had headaches (crazy) and Dad was always sniffling (cocaine). Considering the family gene pool is awash in alcoholism, bi-polar disorder and just plain insanity I suppose I lucked out.

“Stop whining you big fat baby”

“It’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to”

I have decided I have an imaginary sidekick (sounds like psychic in a Scottish accent) and I have named him Craig Carson. Craig for Ferguson of course, and Carson for Carson Kressley, the adorable, supportive sweetheart from “Queer Eye” who now runs around making women feel better about being naked. Best of both worlds – I can fantasize about having sex with the Craig part (it’s huge I hear) as soon as Carson makes me feel better about being naked (I predict the year 2121).

Craig (the real one) has been sick all week. Coincidence!? Yes – coincidence – the only thing Craig could ever catch from me is a wave as he leaves the stage. Being the man’s man that he is, the virile (viral?) regular guy of TV he has whined about it incessantly. He even dared to bitch about CBS not giving him a sick day. No sick day!? Holy Crackers you millionaire surrounded by adoring fans and tons of support staff – how did you survive!?

“I thought you adored Craig?”

“I do, why?”

“Cause you’re being a bitch about him”

“No I’m not, I’m just jealous – I want everyone to think I’m adorable when I’m sick and I want a freakin’ sick day!”

Sick days are really hard to come by in my life. When I was a kid I gagged at the idea of being home with my parents so I always went to school. Even in High School – I always went towards the building – I may not have always made it into the building (smoking reefer on the boardwalk) but I certainly didn’t stay home.

As a working single Mom, sick days are reserved for when your kid is sick. You drag yourself in and make a big show of being fine so that you can then invent a fever and a cough when your kid needs Mommy to stay home with him. I don’t think the working world is all that supportive of parents today – imagine what it was like 30 years ago.

When you run your own business who do you call? Quite the dilemma. Even when I had staff I had to be there – the best I could hope for was to be at home, on the computer, checking their files and answering the same question over and over. Now that I run a one woman show – well, you can do the math.

“You know – you could ask for some help and sympathy”

“I suppose – perhaps I am a bit (a lot) passive-aggressive about this”

“There you go again, being all psychological – you are sick, sick in the head”

“Shut up you bastard, I’m rethinking this whole sidekick/psychic thing and I can make you disappear”

I really should ask for a little TLC but it’s exhausting. I have to ‘splain what I need and then listen to all the things my (adult) kids (son and wife) plan to do for me. They’re going to wash the dishes (someday) and they’re going to bring me soup (the kind I hate) and make me tea (I drink coffee). They’re going to clean the litter box (when the smell is deafening) and they’ll be right there (as soon as the movie ends/cell call is over/during half-time).

Do you realize that if Moms all over the world spent one hour talking about what they’re going to do the collective sound of all those tasks being verbalized would drown out the universe.

“So your kids are selfish little (big) shits?”

“Again, you are not getting it. They’re lovely, kind people who, for the big stuff, would do anything for me – I just want to be pampered. I just want a sick day – I want to be Ferris Bueller – without the parade and the singing and dancing, I want Bon Bons and a movie and … ”

“Oh please, you’d last 5 minutes and you’d be up cleaning off the TV screen or organizing the Bon Bons by size and flavor”

Craig Carson had to leave. I hate when people (imaginary or real) tell me the truth I don’t want to hear. Even my imaginary sidekick/psychic is a pain in the ass.

“Well you created me!”

“I did, didn’t I – what the hell is wrong with me!?”

and on I go …sometimes it is exhausting being me.

26 comments:

Raven said...

Sorry you aren't feeling well. I used to have terrible sinus problems so I empathize.

Don't know if it will help, but you could check out this page. Nothing to lose... http://www.geocities.com/ravensreiki/hands.html

Also, there's a healer in Australia who is amazing and sends healing for free... and he looks like Santa Claus. I adore him. Here's a link for him. You can just email him and tell him your troubles and he sends amazing healing energy. http://www.healinghaven.com.au/MessageofHope.htm

Oh - and I'd be glad to send some reiki your way too.

Feel better,
Raven

Smalltown RN said...

I feel your pain....I have only ever had one sinus infection and never ever do I want that again....I suffer terribly from allergies so I feel at times like I am forever stuffed up.....I hope you find some relief soon...and well stay friends with your imaginary friend....hope life picks up...cheers..have a great weekend..

bobbie said...

Poor Baby! I'd like to tuck you in to snuggle down and dream of Craig Carson while I do all the tings you're supposed to be doing. - but I can't.
Adult children are wonderful people, but they just don't notice what you really need, do they? At least mine don't. Well, three out of the four don't. My oldest would, but she isn't around - she lives in NY. And the one who's around all the time is willing to do anything she's asked - but I have to ask because she just doesn't notice. Isn't it frustrating?

Bob-kat said...

That sinus trouble sounds awful! I hope you feel better soon.

I know what you mean about it being hard to take time outto be sick, but sometimes the only person who can give you a day off, is you :) Funnily enough, it's difficult to do!

Jeni said...

When I was growing up, I rarely played hookey -staying home, just to stay home, ya know. My Mom was a nurse and it was pretty hard to fool her about whether I was really sick or not. Besides, I knew if she thought I was sick, she was inclined to stop and talk to our doctor, who would give her meds for me - always, ALWAYS it would be stuff by injection and I hated getting shots.
I definitely can relate to the calling off sick at work though -whether the sick one was me or my kids. Employers then were not understanding at all and no, they haven't changed much about that.
I have to say though, having had a lot of major health issues over the past five years, my daughter who lives here (with her family, with me) is really good at knowing when I am feeling really cruddy and doing things that she thinks will help me feel better quickly too -rarely do I have to ask. She has even stopped what she needed to do, even when she wasn't feeling all that great herself (Pregnant at the time) just to massage my back or my legs when I could barely walk or sit about 4 1/2 years ago. Yeah, she's a darned good kid and I think I'll keep her a bit longer, ya know!

Dianne said...

raven - I must admit a lighter feeling while gazing at the healing hands. the second site was just too many words for right now, perhaps one of my kids will do it for me LOL

thanks you raven.

it always turns around smalltown rn, thanks. and I will keep my imaginary buddy around - even if it's just to mess with his head!

it is frustrating bobbie! and thanks so much for the pampering thoughts.

bobcat - I know you've been working your butt off so thanks for taking the time to stop by and look in on me. and you're right about giving ourselves permission - I think that's one of the hardest things to do.

I'd keep her Jeni LOL - she's a good egg as my Nana used to say.

Minnesotablue said...

Dianne: Sinus infections really suck! Wish I could send you a miracle or two. Take good care of yourself.

I recieve absolutely no sympathy when I am sick. My kids have always said I am such a strong woman and I suppose that is why but it sure would be nice on occassion if they did offer a bit once in a while. Don't get me wrong, they are all good kids but sometimes a bit of compassion would be nice!

lisa said...

Dianne! I'm so sorry you're sick! And it sucks big time that you can't take time off. You should be able to take time off--and get pampered. Be a big baby about it--it will make you feel better. :-)

If I, were there I would make you my delicious homemade chicken soup with wild rice, fix you coffee, if that's what you wanted (though eucalyptus tea would be better for you, you know), make sure you took your medicine, set up the steamer for you, make you whatever you wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner, plus desserts. All the things I've been doing for my husband for the past 8 days. (Of course men tend to demand all those things so you don't really have a choice. LOL!)

As far as your kids not doing such a good job taking care of you--I think you really don't know how to take care of someone until you have a kid. . .

And for the record, I do think you're adorable when you're sick--and also when you're well. :-)

Feel better my friend! And do try to take care of yourself if you can--you don't want to get worse.

Love the sidekick, by the way. LOL! Too funny.

CG said...

Oh dear; I hate to say this but reading about your illness made me laugh so much I almost forgot i'm not feeling very well today either!!It's not that I'm not sympathetic; you are just too damn funny!!!
Seriously...I hope you feel better soon {{HUGS}}

Cherie said...

With so many of us sick at the same time as Craig, it really makes you wonder what was floating around in the water of that hot tub last week! LOL I'm so sorry that you've been under the weather too. *hugs*

And if it makes you feel any better, I am always having arguements with my imaginary sidekick ... though I never thought of her as a sidekick, just the voices inside my head. People do tend to get a scared look on their faces when we talk to each other out loud though. They seem to think it's strange. Doesn't everyone have one?

And you're getting so popular. Hope you will still remember us when you're famous. ;)

xxoo

lisa said...

Am I the only one from that hot tub party that didn't get sick??? ;)

I'd better knock on wood, though, since I've been in such close proximity to that creeping crud.

Dianne said...

ahhh yes minnesotablue - strong woman snydrome - I think many of us have that - it's actually quite funny, my son will look at me as if to say "You're sick!?" - just doesn't compute.

thanks lisa - for the menu and the compliments. and Craig Carson loves to be loved LOL - isn't that a surprise!

I'm so glad you laughed cg - you know me by now - I love that!! and it is funny - not the sick part, but all the crazy surrounding it. feel better and hugs right back at ya.

cherie - that front row seat at a certain show is reserved! has been for quite a while now ;)
as for the hut tub party - don't you remember, Carson didn't think I was ready LOL

creeping crud Lisa? didn't know my ex-husband was in Colorado.

kenju said...

Too funny! I laughed all the way through. Not about your sinuses, of course, but the imaginary friend. I love Carson Kressly. He may not be sincere on his new show (I don't know) but he really is doing a wonderful service for the women on the show. Did you see him with Oprah this week? She likes the show too.

The massage therapist opened my sinuses again this week with a cheek massage. It was heaven - I can breathe again!

Jay said...

Sorry you're sick. My sister has terrible sinus problems. One doctor even recommended she look into a nose job to relieve the sinus troubles. Not sure how that would work. Maybe his brother was a plastic surgeon.

Anyway, my imaginary friends are totally useless to me when I'm sick too. I mean, what's the point of having an imaginary friend if he/she is going be mean when I'm sick?

Dianne said...

I did see him on Oprah kenju and that, plus a blog I read the day before, made me decide to check out his show. I wasn't going to just because I figured I knew all the issues - been there, carry that baggage but it looks more interesting than I assumed. I have it on the DVR. and glad you laughed ;)

I don't know about a nose job either Jay - unless there's a deviated septum (sounds kinky doesn't it) - and even then I'm not sure I know what I'm talking about. I hear the whole disgusting draining thing is horrid and doesn't work most times anyway. Perhaps I'll let my imaginary sidekick try it first.

Michael Manning said...

Diane: I hope you make a bee-line for an ENT doctor to knock this out quickly with antibiotics. You can't possibly go over to Craig Ferguson's in tis condition! :)

Feel well soon!!!!!!

cathy said...

i hereby declare this "be hilarious while you are deathly ill week." somebody add that to the calendar for next year?

the best part was hearing the craig/carson lines as a duet in my head. man, you have excellent taste in imaginary sidekicks!

hope you feel better soon.

Dianne said...

thanks Michael ;)
I don't think an ENT can help me much but now Craig ...

cathy: I thought the Craig/Carson was a wonderful balance. gives me all I need in men LOL and they're invisible!!
sorry they're in your head now - that's one thing I still haven't been able to control, they like to travel.

mrsmogul said...

I was really sick at the beginning of the year, it sucked!!

Akelamalu said...

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well Dianne, but you really made me laugh! I'll send you some Reiki - hope you're feeling better soon.

craftyhala said...

I was just whining about my sinus head ache, sore throat from drainage, runny nose, crackle sounds when I breath and then I saw your comment on my blog, so I popped over to say hi and I see you are feeling poorly as well!
I thank you for the visit and hope that you are feeling better very soon. It stinks to feel this bad.

lisa said...

You know, when you're sick, the whole world sucks. But somehow you always manage to find the bright side, Dianne. :-)

"gives me all I need in men LOL and they're invisible!!"

Those are the best kind! LOL!

I'm glad you're feeling a little better!

Kerry said...

You poor thing! I hope you're feeling better!

Dianne said...

I does indeed suck mrsmogul ;)

akleamalu: people laughing always makes me feel better.

thanks craftyhala - you feel better too!

silver linings Lisa, silver linings - always gotta look for them - in my own twisted way of course!!

kerry - you are the sweetest - you have your own feeling sucky to deal with, thanks for thinking of me. you're such a good Mom ;)

Skittles said...

Now I'm SURE we have a lot in common! LOL!

Dianne said...

LOL skittles!!