Thursday, May 1, 2008

It's Not Over Til the Fat Girl Says It's Over



I went to get my hair cut and colored Wednesday evening. And a mani/pedi and, relief of all relief, eyebrows (and some menopausal hairy spots) waxed. I hate when I get too un-plucked looking – it’s so vulgar!

My appointment was for an entirely different time that my usual appointment – thanks to two jobs I must be clock/calendar flexible and creative.

My heart fell the moment I pulled my 14 year old Jetta into the salon’s parking lot. Poor old girl, and the car too, was surrounded by Lexus SUVs and Hummers and Road Rangers or Road Runners or Lone Rangers – whatever the giant ugly gas guzzling monstrosities are called. Snooty town was having a spa day.

I love my salon – back in December I posted all about the Steel Magnolia quality of the place.

I entered the salon through the back door, as I always do, so that my first stop could be to give Italian pastries from Brooklyn to the women who shampoo and sweep and mix color – any time I have an appointment I always make sure a shipment from the Motherland is arranged so I can have it in time. Normally I’m greeted by a buzz of conversation and laughter. This time I was greeted by tension and the sound of just one grating voice bitching about hair color on her shoes. I placed the pastries in the kitchen and made my way to the reception area. I later learned that the hair color on her shoes incident was a case of a silly woman, pre-occupied with her cell phone, stepping into a miniscule puddle of hair color water. The spot was on the bottom of her shoe! Apparently she is normally carried everywhere thereby rendering the bottoms of her shoes pristine.

The reception area was full of “social x-rays” as Tom Wolfe called them in ‘The Bonfire of the Vanities’. They surrounded the receptionist like vultures wearing Prada, all babbling at once about their appointment times and what “girl” does their nails. “Please pay attention” the loudest x-ray tells the receptionist. I snort laugh and discover my power. I can make them stop talking. “Do you work here?” asks the x-ray, her well preserved skin (as my Nana would have called it) sucking in even more. I could almost see the Botox oozing out of her pores. “She is a client” says the receptionist, taking advantage of the quiet to regain control of the desk. I smile at the receptionist, tell her I know my own appointment time and I know which woman is doing my nails so I’ll just make my way, on my own two feet, upstairs.

The salon is really an old one family home. The first floor is for the haircutters, the second floor is for everything else – manicures, pedicures, facials …

It was so nice and quiet upstairs and my manicurist was glad to see me. It’s been a while since I did any beauty stuff. It was just so nice to feel like I was taking care of myself and to be with friends. I’ve never understood the “servant” mentality of many people – just because someone is in the position of doing something for me doesn’t make them less and doesn’t give me the right to misbehave. I expect good service and if I don’t get it I’ll say something. I do not expect to be treated like Cleopatra.

I was feeling so relaxed when the x-ray flotilla came upstairs. They are so important and lead such busy lives that they must be “multi-served” – their hair color must be put in, their body wave must be rolled and then they must have their nails started. This of course causes staff to run up and down the stairs while timers go off.

They were all sharing one of my Brooklyn Italian pastries. The leader of the pack was holding it and her minions were pecking at it, exclaiming how “bad” they were to be eating it but it was just so “delish”. Yes – grown women saying “delish”. Maybe because they’re wearing the clothes of their teen-aged daughters?

“Where do these come from?” asks the head x-ray. My manicurist was about to tell them but I shush her with my eyes. “One of the clients brings them in for the women in the shampoo area” I answer. “They’re all from Brooklyn and miss the pastries and pizza”. “That’s sweet” says the tiniest of the minions; I imagine she might be a halfway decent person on her own. Peer pressure this late in her life, how sad. Again – I blame the clothes or perhaps the long term effects of tanning beds. Then again – she could be demented from lack of food.

“Brooklyn” says the pack leader, the way one would say Cancer or Herpes. “Yes, Brooklyn” I respond, my back is to them so I’m having a wonderful time communicating with my manicurist through the use of outlandish facial expressions. At one point I think I rolled my eyes outside of my head. “They have the most amazing bakeries in Brooklyn” I continue, controlling my voice. “A lot of people say it’s NY’s water – it just makes the dough different”. “I’ve heard that” says tiny one and again I feel a surge of humanity. I want so much to rescue her from herself. “Well considering how so many of them live here now” says pack leader, “it’s a wonder they just don’t open up bakeries here”. I ponder this for a moment, while letting the way she said them slide, and innocently ask. “But how would they get the NY water here?” Tiny one literally snorts while sucking down some cannoli cream. My rhetorical question is never answered but it is blessedly quiet again and we all settle back in for nail polishing and foot scrubbing.

“Have you been watching Dancing With the Stars?” pack leader asks the room. At least 15 minutes of quiet one on one conversation has passed and the sound of her voice is startling. I’m even more startled when I turn around and see that they’re all still grazing on one freakin’ pastry. A calorie is a calorie – no matter how slowly you ingest it. Eat it and enjoy it. No one answers her so I say that I do. She barely looks at me but I plod on. I talk about how funny the judges are, how silly it is that some fans take the competition so seriously. I enjoy the dancing, the costumes and the faux drama. Tiny one smiles and says she really likes the football player. One by one we all start mentioning our favorites, laughing over how much we miss Maxism, exclaiming how amazing Marlee Matlin is. Just a nice, casual conversation about silliness and tabloid stuff – how old is Shannon Elizabeth and is she sleeping with her partner? And how old is he? And isn’t he gay? No – he’s a Mormon someone says and I mention that they’re not mutually exclusive and there’s more laughter.

“I can’t believe the fat one is still there” says the pack leader. Since I’m not of the x-ray persuasion and considering that the woman who is exfoliating the monster’s hooves is also rather round I found this comment terribly rude. I would have found it rude even if I was an x-ray, the way I find all derogatory labels rude. My Norma Rae is on full alert now. “Which one is the fat one?” I ask yet another question that needs no answer. The silent middle one of the terrible trio tells me they’re referring to the Broadway star. “Yes, her” says pack leader. “She’s as wide as she is tall and I can’t believe the costumes they stuff her into”. I remark that her dancing is very good, she’s very fit and she won a Tony for Hairspray. “All she could do is Hairspray” pack leader tells me, “what other roles could there be for such a fat girl?” I decide that too is a question that needs no answer and turn to gaze out the window. Let it slide I tell the adult me as I watch the birds fly around the parking lot – just let it slide. Tiny one mentions that there are rumors that the Broadway star is involved with her dance partner. I smile at this – Tony and Marissa – how lovely they are. She is so lively and genuine, so loving toward her co-stars, so generous with her praise and just so damn sweet. He clearly thinks she’s wonderful. I loved how he convinced her that she could dance in a sexy manner. Watching them makes me happy.

“Tony and the fat one!” comes flying out of the tight, ugly mouth of the pack leader. “For God’s sake you believe any crap you read”. Tiny one is so pathetic that I truly do feel sorry for her but she has to take responsibility for joining this dangerous gang. I don’t have the energy for an intervention. “Just picturing them together is even more disturbing than having to watch her dance, but they always need their token fat girl”. By this time I was done and flip-flopping around on my (not so) little paper sandals in order to make the nails on my big fat feet dry faster. The whole grain trio was now seated in a row at the drying machines. Pack leader was bitching that her French wasn’t perfect and asking thin air (how ironic) where “that girl went”. I assume she wanted to beat her with her Louie Vuitton before she had her claws re-done. I collected my belongings to make my way downstairs to be cut and colored and to eat a whole pastry. As I passed anorexia row my body took over for my mind – I swear I have no idea how it happened – and I smashed full force into pack leader’s chair. I toppled her diet ice tea onto her bad French hands and then proceeded to step on her foot as I clamored to make sure none of the tea leaked onto her smart trousers. “I am soooooooooooo sorry; I can’t believe I did that!!! You’re so fucking thin that I didn’t even see you. And this bag I bought the last time I went back home to Brooklyn is just so huge that it smashes into everything”. I mop up the ice tea with wads of paper towel which I then leave on her Vuitton. “I’d offer to pay for having your French re-done” I say in my most apologetic sincere voice, “but you said it was ruined anyway so that seems pointless”. “Oh well”

I caught pack leader’s manicurist at the top of the stairs and whispered to her what had happened. She almost fell down the stairs laughing. I paid her for re-doing the manicure, she tried to refuse the money but business is business.

Downstairs in the shampoo area my friends from Brooklyn were all relaxing by the bay window; munching on pastries and laughing at the parking lot. I joined the group and was delighted to see that there was bird crap all over each and every one of the fancy cars. “Did they get your car?” one of the women asked. “How could I tell” I laughed, “it’s damn near impossible to see crap on crap!”

I always suspected that Mother Nature was a fat girl.

41 comments:

Mahala said...

Oooo dang we'd have a ball together. And possibly get locked up lol.

fermicat said...

This sounds like a scene from a Buckhead salon (a rich area in Atlanta). I love how you handled everything.

Jay said...

People like those women drive me crazy. When I lived in San Antonio I lived in the Alamo Heights area and it was full of those SUV-driving bitches. Their sense of entitlement made me want to torture each one of them by giving them each 1,000 paper cuts and then throwing them into a salt-water bath.

Too much?

I got my hair did today too! Of course I just went to the barber. And I only paid $8 bucks. Didn't get all that great of a haircut though. ;-)

ETK said...

OMG - I was crying laughing when you smashed into her. That ROCKS. :) You go girl!

kenju said...

You are priceless! I wish I'd been there with you.

Betty said...

I never want to insult you. But, I'd love to be with you when you get even sometime. lol

the walking man said...

Priceless absolutely Priceless Dianne. As we'd say here DAAAAMN YOU GO GIRL!

Good to see you pamper yourself in hair places even though I shunned the barber and the razor many moons ago, while reading this I had to stop and turn the keyboard over and replace some chin hairs, you had me pulling them out! I need all the hair I can get to mask those man menopausal hairy spots (ear and nose.)

Laughing Peace

mark

Jo said...

I love it, you rocked her world in just 2 seconds! That was such a great story, Dianne...I love your heart, your wit, & your skillful application of snark :)

I used to go to a fancy salon in Bev Hills b/c I adored 2 of the workers there (we socialize outside of the salon)...the patrons drove me BONKERS. The only way we got through it was by laughing at them.

I'm glad you pampered yourself!

bobbie said...

I love you, Dianne!

If my 1995 Baretta, covered with muddy cat paw prints and with a loop of wire sticking out the front that's used to open the hood, could talk - it would say it loved you too!

Leighann said...

Dianne I am so totally in love with you!

Let's run away together!

Jeni said...

I figure if Mother Nature wasn't a "fat girl" she has to at least be a bit on the pleasingly plumpish side! She'd have to have a little extra padding to contend with everything going on that she gets blamed for don't 'cha think?
Loved the trip and spillage part! Great way to get your point across there. Probably won't make a hill of beans of difference to her though with respect to realizing important things about all people, but you sure can't say you didn't give it the old college try there, kiddo! Great post!

Raven said...

I have to say I was distracted by the pastries.... I haven't had a good cannoli in a long time.

Very entertaining as always. You're the bestest customer a place could have. You appreciate that it takes to do thankless jobs.

Entertaining as always. Wish I had been there to see this whole thing live. I am trying to crawl out of the dumps and it was nice to have a good giggle to start my day.

I wonder if there was a time in history (I'll bet there was) when fat people sneered at skinny ones. I want that time back... actually I'd like a time when we could all just like ourselves and each other no matter what we look like. My next life, maybe.

Shelly said...

Nooo Wayyyy!! I worship thee, oh Great Dianne, Queen of Spillage.

Sleepypete said...

"my body took over my mind" - muahahaha - I bet ;-) That sequence read like it was entirely too cleverly planned to be mindless :-)

There's a few X-Ray types on site, working in different projects. One in particular has a kind of "why aren't you looking at me?" expression which quickly turns to a "get lost stalker" look if someone does look vaguely in her direction. We're only looking to see if the famine aid people have gotten to her yet ...

Ivanhoe said...

You go girl! What a great story! Have a nice weekend!

Dianne said...

mahala - we would have a wild time indeed. I'll bring bail money

fermicat - thanks :)

jay - sense of entitlement is exactly it. You're so smart. I bet your haircut looks hot.

etk - I love when I make people cry laugh! thanks so much

kenju and betty - I think we should get mahala and all of us should rumble with the social x-rays!!

mark - laughing peace is such a wonderful phrase :)

jo - I did rock her world, didn't I? LOL I'm glad I pampered myself too. Every time work gets too much I watch my nails for a few minutes - oh shiny

bobbie and her baretta - I love it!! and you

leighann - that is the most wonderful offer I've had in like forever. Name when and where and I'm there. I'll even adopt the things!

jeni - remember the old commerical - it's not nice to fool Mother Nature? I loved that ad.
I'm sure they didn't get it but that's OK. the staff at the salon had a great time and I like to think the tiny one might be saved.

raven - I'll bring you Brooklyn pastries!
I'm glad you got a giggle, I'm sorry you're in the dumps. it will get better again, or at least different :)
hugs

shelly - Queen of Spillage!! thank you, thank you - I always wanted to wear a tiara

sleepy pete - I swear I have NO idea how I fell into/on her! It was such a freak accident. LOL about the famine aid people.

thanks ivanhoe - you have a great weekend too!

Akelamalu said...

I so enjoyed reading that and I love it that you got one over on the xray! LOL

See you tomorrow for wordzzle. :)

Natalie said...

Awesome story as always, Di. Even reading about people like that gets my blood boiling! I wish I had half of your boldness, I never do stuff like that. I always just try to take comfort in the fact that like Mother Nature, Karma is fat girl who is easily pissed off.

Anonymous said...

Holy Crap! OMG! How freakingly wonderfully unbelievable! You are so AWESOME! None of these other people may know what I'm talking about, but you and the guy who invented LSD do! LOLOL

You make me homesick for upstate NY with your talk about the Italian pastries. I lived in Geneva, NY, where 97% of the population was either Italian or Irish or some combination thereof. There was one convenience store that carried the most amazing cream puffs and cannolis, the delicate pastry, the lucious filling. Never have I been able to find the like in all of my world travels, but I have been to neither Italy nor Brooklyn. So, that may be the problem. lol

And I have NEVER understood this idea of treating service personel as some form of "lessor human!" That really "rips my knitting." (Obviously, I'm channelling Craig today. I've been cheating on him with a guy from MySpace, and I think that my subconcious feels guilty. lol)

And I want to join this crowd that watches you when you strike back at these "people." These things sound like they're right out of a movie. I know why people think that you must be making it up or at least exagerating for "comedica effect." They sound too good to be true, and I know that they're things that I merely fantasize about. I could never actually do them. LOL I think that you just need a camera crew following you around at all times. That could be no more conspicuous than a mob of your stalker/fans trailing you, and more people could see it. For educational purposes, of course. LOL

Incidentally, I'm going to the salon today for a summer perm. I want to be all tendrilly. ;)

xxoo

Dianne said...

akelamalu - thanks :) tally one for the regular folks
see ya for wordzzle

magnetbabe - "Karma is a fat girl who is easily pissed off" - that is brilliant.

cherie - you're going to be gorgeous all tendrilly. I hope you have a wonderful salon day - beware of SUVs LOL
The funny thing about my escapades is that I can only get worked up for other people. I saw the lovely, happy face of Marissa - and I don't even know her!! and heard "the fat girl" and all that mixed in with treating hard working people like crap and well - I know sleepypete doesn't believe me but my body just took over LOL
I've always wanted to youtube myself - doesn't that sound naughty! - but I'd be so self-conscious that all my bravado would disappear. that's why I failed at stand-up.
so cool talking to ya. I'm seeing Craig tonight, I'll tell him you've been cheating.

Doc said...

Oh good Lord I think my head would explode in a place like that..... you showed them though!

Kerry said...

I want to be like you when I grow up. Actually, I think that when my husband tells me, "You're from New York, act like it!", that's exactly what he means.
A tip of the hat to you!

tt said...

I'd say you had an almost perfect salon visit!!! Woulda been absolutely perfect if the x-rays girls had choked on their shared pastries.( sorry, my mean-girl streak popped out)
***wildly clapping while shouting woo-hoo's***
You my dear one are such the clever minx!! Oolala...I think a lot of us just felt a collective sigh. I wish i could live close to you..perhaps I could absorb some of your cunning charm and wit through osmosis!!! You're my new hero!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dianne said...

LOL doc - luckily it's only like that when the x-rays are around!

kerry - thanks so much for visiting, I know how busy you are. and thanks for such a sweet compliment.

tt - I have always had the dream of driving across the country. Now I want to do it stopping and seeing all my blog friends. and then of course I'd also have to drive to the UK and Sweden.
what a road trip! and you're my hero too!

Richard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Knight said...

When you kept holding your tongue my heart was ripping inside. I was already making vows to find these people and shave their heads in their sleep. I love love love how the story turned out. You crack me up and are clearly one helluva person. If I had a car I would travel to this place for some pampering. It sounds perfect.

Ramblings of a Villas Girl said...

Hi Dianne! You go girl. I wish I was there. I would have loved to seen the expression on pack leaders face. Thank you for doing what you did. Richard is correct. You are the Stephanie Plum of North Jersey. Have a good weekend. Lisa

Richard said...

Dianne, what a great story. Your writing reminds me very much of Janet Evanovich. Do you know her?

This is going in the book, right?

I had a much different experience at the barber shop during a recent visit. Here's the link to that;

http://thedailyhusband.blogspot.com/2008/02/barber-shop-conversations-aint-what.html

Keep up the great writing.

Rich

Minnesotablue said...

What can I say that others haven't already said?
I love the Hairspray Babe.Her personality just reeks of joy and life.
Next time I meet a snob or someone who treats srevice folks rudely I am going to remember your post and try to act accordingly. YOU ARE MY HERO DIANNE!

Bobkat said...

Wonderful story! I hate self proclaimed princesses like that pack you encountered. They wander around judging everyone according to their standards and then treat people like dirt if they don't measure up! I have also never understood the master and servant mentality either. In fact I find I get better service by treating people as professionals at what they do.

You handled them so well! Good for you!

Dianne said...

knight - if you ever want to do a Jersey shore thing this summer I'll come get ya :) Not that I'm on the shore! I am shore adjacent, but hell, less likely to be flooded.

Lisa and Richard - I shall be googling Janet Evanovich! Thank you both for comparing me to anything remotely connected to literature!

thanks minnesotablue! Service folk need all the supporters they can get. I was always polite and respectful of everyone's place in the world but now that I work in retail it really hits me when clients treat people like crap. and I'm glad you like Marissa, I adore her.

bobkat - how great to see Bob's sweet perfect windowsill pic whenever you comment. I love Bob! and you're right about treating people as professionals, I'll never understand the need to feel better than others - well actually I do - if you're an ugly, unhappy x-ray I suppose to have to throw your lack of weight around somewhere.

Unknown said...

You are so good! I chortled my way through this hilarious post! Thank you.

Peace,
Pagan

Raven said...

Ok... I apologize for this, but you are now officially tagged for a meme called GETTING TO KNOW YOU. Sorry.

Dianne said...

thanks pagan - I'm so glad you enjoyed it :)

no apology necessary Raven - I've seen the meme around, it sounds interesting, I'll do it next week :)
and I'll be by to read yours soon.

CG said...

You are THE BEST. I loved every minute, especially the bit whe you "rolled youe eyes outside of your head!!"

Dianne said...

LOL CG - thanks!!

tt said...

My door will always be open to you!! :)

Dianne said...

thank you tt!

maryt/theteach said...

Dianne, loved your Wordzzle but this story of your visit to the nail salon had be from the first paragraph. Bringing Italian pastries from the Motherland... LOL! Love it! A great story! :D

Dianne said...

thanks teach! - we always refer to Brooklyn as the Motherland. some around here call the Staten Island Ferry the Mothership lol
I'm so glad you enjoyed the story and the wordzzles too, thanks again!

Odat said...

OMG I wish I were there!!!! You are just sooo cool! Damn!

(btw, I did it backwards...I went from NJ to Staten Island... go figure).

Peace