After I read my ‘head banging’ story from Saturday’s post I had a revelation.
I’m most comfortable talking about myself when I can be funny or when I can report overcoming some obstacle – the triumph syndrome.
Now there really isn’t anything wrong with that. Humor has always been an important part of my life – laughter heals. And who doesn’t like and need a bit of triumph.
The thing is it is not the whole story.
I think I’m an open person. Ask me a question I’ll give you an honest answer. I don’t have any airs about me and I remember where I came from. So I ask myself why have I been less than open lately. And could ‘stifling myself’ be the root cause of my fiction writing block.
Maybe.
But I love to share. So what is it that has me avoiding myself.
Denial. A bit.
Fear. Some.
Overwhelmed. A lot.
My business and the economy and my health have all joined forces to create the perfect storm. A storm of magnificent proportions that is wreaking havoc with my head, my heart, my soul.
It is sucking the joy out of anticipating my grandchild to be.
It is making me feel older than my years while managing to make me feel like I have not learned a damn thing in all this time.
What happens when the survivor isn’t too sure she can survive the next round of challenges. Can she vote herself off the island.
What becomes of the funny girl who doesn’t think it’s funny.
How does ‘Earth Mother’ nurture others when she feels she doesn’t know how to nurture herself.
Notice I left out the question marks. That’s intentional. I don’t need or want answers yet. I need to fully form all the questions first. It occurred to me that my sudden unusual bout with being accident prone could be my psyche telling me something. Stop beating yourself up. Take better care of yourself. Stage an accident and let the kids have the insurance money. Who the hell knows.
I’m not sure where this current line of thought is going. I do know that many of us are experiencing the same sort of feelings. We’re losing jobs, our kids are getting laid off, our unemployment is running out, we’re less than hopeful about the hope we voted in …
I think I may explore this for a bit. If you’d like to share please do so in the comments. We get some wonderful conversations going round here and I value that.
Don’t worry about me! Don’t feel sorry for me! I really truly hate that.
Suddenly I have all these songs running through my head. The Circle of Life. I Will Survive. Anything Joni Mitchell.
And …
Don’t Cry For Me Argentina.
50 comments:
Now I'm scared to leave the first comment here, cause I'm a natural worrier :o)
We have to believe in better tomorrow. That's what keeps me going on a bad day.
((hugs))
I can send you hugs, can't I? ;o)
"If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there."
Lewis Carroll
Diane,
I sense there are many of us in a weird holding pattern together.
Thank you for having the courage and the faith to write this post. To show your fragility, frustration, confusion. When I come to Forks off the Moment to get my daily dose of sanity, I do so without expectation. There is such spaciousness in you. True I enjoy your humor, your deep care, but what I value most is your honesty. To ask questions that may have no answers.
Life has been wacking me in the head hard too. I’ve thought about taking a hiatus from blogging but maybe now I won’t. Thank you sweet sister for all that you are.
Be gentle with yourself and know that you are loved.
As you probably know from my blog, I have been and still am to a point, experiencing the same things. I have lots of questions for myself that so far I haven't answered too well and I'm still looking for answers. I, too, have been posting a whole lot of stuff that has nothing to do with "me". At least it's somewhat comforting in an odd way to know that you're not alone, but it still doesn't answer the questions. And, yes, you are indeed loved, guess that's the most we can count on right now.
Oh, YES, YES, Don't Cry for me Argentina!!!
If what I'm about to say gives you the sudden urge to inflict me with bodily harm.. I understand.. but..
Take a deep breath, exhale slowly, close your eyes and remember everything positive in your life.
Remember that the we have to endure the cold, frightening blizzard in order to allow the pure snow to wash away all the muck and grime that's built up.
The storm will be over soon. Spring will come. New things will grow. Everything comes in cycles. There is beauty in the darkness when you know the sun is always shining behind the clouds.
Feel free to flail me with blunt objects :)
Love ya girl. Hang in there.
Hey, wow. Been going through some of the same stuff. Though, if I died, Elf would have to go to that special hell called "public school," where they lock autistic children in closets. So. One day at a time.
To live is Christ and to die gain, but I'm staying because it's more needful and all that good stuff Paul wrote. :[
Remember the Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue"? The father names the boy Sue so his son will learn to fight while growing up, cause he knows he (the father) won't always be there.
I think life can be this way for many of us too. The struggles, the joys, the heartaches, the laughter we all experience through life is preparing us for times yet to come.
You are a damn fine woman and I'm confident you'll come through these trying times with a new zeal for life once again.
I'm feeling ya babe. The "things will be alright" feeling that I've always had just isn't there anymore. It wears on you.
I had a college professor who made us all put together an "action plan" for our lives. Then he told us that each year we should sit down and create a new one because our situations will change so often. Maybe that's what we should do. Problem is, I'm not sure where to start with it anymore.
Oh well. Things really will be alright. I think. ;-)
I went back and read the head banging post. Ouch. Your poor head. Did you get the keyboard fixed? This may sound crazy, but it seems that I read something about putting them through the dishwasher.......
I hope that your fiction maker wakes up soon. Nothing like a good story to change a girl's outlook. (What would I know, haven't written any fiction in awhile, but it's always the plan...).
I won't say anything like "don't lose your hope," because it's inevitable that hope falters at times. I am sure yours will return. Sometimes it's a matter of perspective and one more swift knock to your head is sure switch yours up a bit. ;D
If you are hoping to avoid more injury to your head, I suggest you look into a stylish helmet. Possibly something with a detachable tiara for special occasions. Something cute and girly. (I could use one myself).
And an extra layer of clothing - I read your comment about the cold. Brrr....
LOL, LOL...I like that last one.."DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA".....Things are very unsettled feeling in me these days, too....I know some of it is my Health situation, but some is just that there are some very sad things going on--in the world---but even more important for me, right in my own circle. A death last week of a fabulous woman, only 61....And a Cousin who has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer....I feel contiually confronted by my own mortality through these things, you know?
So....I understand these feelings of malaise and semi-depression....and , 'What's The Point'....? I can relate.
You hit the proverbial nail on the head when you said that "many of us are experiencing the same sort of feelings" and many of us are praying that after Jan.20th we'll feel better about it. But maybe not. It may take longer than that. Maybe a lot longer. We'll make it - eventually. Just because we always do. We will survive. Meantime, we're going to hurt for a while.
So, Evita, hon, its not about sympathy ... and there was a full moon on which I blame everything I dont blame on W/Cheney or the weather. I get into a self destructive mode/phase during the full moon .. before, during, after .. I trip/fall over my own BIG feet
So ...
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now, Dianne (that's different than feeling sorry for you). I can't really provide more insight than the previous posters have done so I'll leave you with the words of one of my favorite poets:
"“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions” -- Rainer Maria Rilke
Love ya.
Once again you put into words the random floating thoughts from my head.
Don't worry... spring is coming. Trite? Perhaps... but true.
All I can say is life is full of peaks and valleys and we all have to do some soul searching from time to time. The valleys are a time of learning, the peaks are time to rejoice. You rejoiced in November... now take some time to learn ... you'll rejoice again soon!
Well, no matter what's coming, we'll go through it together. Bad stuff, good stuff, soul searching: together. What's gonna work? TEAMWORK! :-)
You say you are going to "explore this for a bit". Just don't get lost in there. Life has a way of sucking, then it turns around and bites you in the ass.
When you come through the other side, you will have gained a new perspective and will cherish things anew, maybe things you never thought you could appreciate.
Well, who has questions, who has answers, eh. And we all either are or have been or will be in the same place. Of course, that's not meant to be a consolation or anything; just currently your turn I guess. Two things came to mind reading this post and the previous one, too. One is a fridge magnet saying that I try to live by (not always successfully) when things are majorly sucking - "If it's funny later, it's funny now." The other is a line from a song that I can't even recall the title of or much about it, except that there's something about each of us "holding the light up while the other sleeps." So go ahead and feel whatever it is you need to feel or not feel, because you undoubtedly have held the light for someone, and now someone somewhere is holding it up for you.
You've heard all the old cliches - 'The darkest hour is before dawn',
'These things are meant to try us',
'When you're at rock bottom there's only one place to go'. Well guess what? They're all true!
Things will get better. xx
It's pretty scary out there right now. And combined with health problems....well, there's a recipe for depression.
so, and this is said without crying for you, i understand.
Take good care of yourself.
Ah yes, been there, felt like that and actually still climbing out of my last (all tiume) low. I know where you are coming from. Who does a strong person lean on when everyone around them usually leans on them and expects them to be strong? I just got told that everything would be okay and that I was strong but I felt anything but!
You sound just like me and if you are anything like me then you don't want sympathy or advice (unless you ask for it, you just want to know that someone cares and have some support. I may be miles and miles away but you have mine in oodles.
The truth is though, that you seem like a born survivor to me, and I should know being one myself. Hugs.
ivanhoe - never be scared to leave any kind of comment here :)
I was just trying to convey a sense of I'm OK even though it's not OK. Hugs are always welcomed!! I bet you're a great hugger :)
gabrielle - ahhhh Lewis Carroll! I'm glad you are reconsidering taking a blog hiatus - your voice is like a light round here you know. I've been posting more on the photo blog than here and although I enjoy the creativity there I want to not lose my voice here
sylvia - you are one of the voices I was thinking of :)
and you too are loved
mahala - I would never flail a Super FBI Agent !! Never lol
and I love the poetry in your analogy.
mrs c - actually I'm working on one moment at a time :)
and there are many reasons for you to stay where you're needed
jeff - there is a lot of truth in what is happening now is preparation for something to come - I am looking for the lessons to learn :)
jay - "I'm feelin' ya babe" gave me a warm feeling all over - thank you! I think things will be alright but I also believe we need to redefine what alright means. that's part of what I'm working on
askew - a helmet with a tiara!! you're fabulous :) and should be a stylist for the stars
oldold lady of the hills - you are timeless to me! although I do get the facing one's own mortality feeling. I'm more in the place of feeling I'm facing my own fragility and vulnerability - which may be a good thing
I'm sorry about your friend and your cousin - so much to deal with.
bobbie - I think it is going to take a long long time and I think perhaps patience will be one of the things Americans learn.
daryl - ahhhh the cycles of the moon ...
lisa - a beautiful poem and so true, the words really rang for me - thank you
love ya too
kay - thanks - I was hoping to do that a bit
and waiting for spring is never trite
melli - another wonderful analogy - the peaks and valleys - thank you :)
sparkling - one of the blessings of blogging is being part of a huge team :)
reb - I hear you about getting lost. it's not what I meant about exploring this - I think it's not what I meant lol - what I want to explore is writing more without needing to be funny about my feelings or making it have a happy ending. I've been keeping some stuff under wraps and I'm thinking it's time to bring them to light - even if just in my own mind
deborah - I love the idea of holding the light for someone and having it held for me - thank you! that is a comforting vision.
akelamalu - Nana used to speak in cliches and whenever I called her on it she'd say - "they became cliche because they're true" except she couldn't pronounce cliche lol
thanks lady :)
meno - I'm hoping to make it a recipe for learning something new about myself - key word at the moment is hoping ;)
thanks for getting it
bob-kat - we have always felt a connection haven't we :)
and yes I do believe we are born survivors. Hector had nothing on you even though he did test your tolerance level. Maybe that's it - my tolerance level needs some refreshing
hugs fellow survivor
Hope still lives - give it a chance, but adjust expectations for reality. Too much fantasy and dreaming and not enough truth.
Also, despite the cost of living, it's still popular!
"Anything Joni Mitchell" - you said it, sister! She always gets me through the rough spots.
I don't know if it's the fact that five years ago my kids and I were so much worse off or what, but things have improved in so many ways that it feels like a slice of heaven at times,comparatively. And I am so grateful that I feel sort of guilty when I gripe because I know how much worse it once was - unhappy marriage, mentally-ill daughter (doing great now, which is part of my gratitude), serious financial problems, self-esteem problems, etc. etc.
It's not out of dishonestly that I don't always blog about what's going on with me. One reason is that I suck at writing about myself. Another is that my parenting struggles can't be aired effectively on my blog because my kids read it and my relationship difficulties for the same reason. And unlike you, when I start writing about myself, I totally lose my sense of humor, take myself too seriously and it's an all-around terrific way for me to be emotionally self-indulgent, which has been disasterous for me in the past.
Sorry about the novel.
OMG Dianne...you're closing song "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" made me HOWL!!!
And that's because it's my favorite musical ever on Broadway, and I sometimes pretend that I AM Eva Peron, while I sing the song; standing on any balcony.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Anyway my dear friend...thank you for letting it all out and always sharing your heart with us. That's why we all love you so much. And you know ME...I would never feel sorry for you, because I hate that too.
I read this post several times before commenting and found that you actually answered yourself in a paragrah so intuitively.
Like so many of your wonderful readers here have shared, I too have gone and continue to go through this same thing. And I think it's so wise that you said you don't need or want answers yet.
And I say this only because I truly believe that you will answer them on your own.
They will naturally come to you.
So the only thing that I will share in the way of any kind of humble suggestion...
....TRUST.
And know that you are LOVED.
X
P.S. and thanks again for sharing.
I feel for you...it seems often that I may whine, but it is tougher for others...
What I see about you is your ability to persevere no matter what. If things seem bleak, you get up and press on. You are challenged, but life still goes on about you and is wonderful overall. You don't merely survive, but you thrive...challenges or not. Really! we all have things that make us doubt. But how we respond to them determines how bad we see things. You are a success, the setbacks merely bumps to you, as you have a great perspective about what counts. And you write about life so well!
rob - you just made me think of something (how annoying of you ;) - denial is a form of unrealistic dreaming - yes? no? maybe?
pagan - what novel? ;)
I think my DIL may read the blog - I know a friend of hers does - my son thinks sharing yourself in space is nuts - plus I pretty much tell him everything, even when it's something he doesn't want to hear although he would be upset if he thought others knew things about him - that does get difficult. I'm so glad things are better for you - you desrve it more than I can express - I've never felt dishonest when not writing about me - other than to feel dishonest with myself - about myself - or short changing myself by putting a good face on. too much make-up is so bad for the soul ;)
ron - how I wish we could get together, paint a barn and put on a show! and we would have anndi be the director :)
I think the road directly in front of me is all I can know for sure right now
ralph - I don't think I could ever associate anything you say with whining - you're like the Father Knows Best of Blogland - calm, assured, smart ...
thank you for giving me the word persevere - I forgot that one and it is such a good word
WOW for what you said. These thoughts are banging around inside of me too. You state them so elequently and sincerely.
And WOW for Gabrielle's comment. I can only second it.
I haven't really known how to comment on this... it did make me cry a little. especially the part where the funny girl who doesn't think it's funny. I can relate to that.
I wish I had the right words. I wish I could hug you right now... and I do know you'll be okay. In the meantime, we're all listening.
I Don't Know How to Love Him.
Memory.
The Music of the Night.
There's just a few more ALW songs for your playlist. Theatre songs are good for thinking and figuring stuff out.
*shrug* Fuck it...today's tornadoes are remembered as breezes when confronted with tomorrows present.
As long as you survive the understanding comes.
Hey -the things you mentioned -economy, clumsiness, missing humor, et al -they can be really scary things for sure. And I don't believe for a NY minute that life in the good ole USA will turn around, magically, on January 20th. Although, for me it will simply because the W will no longer be in command, in control. (Now that was scary, wasn't it -the past 8 years?)
Hell, I think it is just this time of year -lack of sunshine, cold weather, snow, ice and all the other stuff added in there.
Because you addressed these rambling thoughts and worries, they won't stay under wrap and then, surface later to really bite you in the butt. Eventually, you'll find the answers to all the questions put out here -in your own way, in your own good time too.
And with the amount of spunkiness you have swimming around within you, you'll find a way to bounce -or pounce -on this junk and be back stronger -and funnier too -than ever.
We should all try to not plan to far ahead, lunch or dinner is OK, tomorrow is to far away!
Dear Friend,
You know, I love blogging...
Its because of it that i know incredible ppl like you...
But i'm becoming more aware that sometimes it can feed that part of me that wants to look anywhere else but inside myself for the answers to my problems...
Keeps me searching outside myself...
I'm reminded of Alan Cohens words...
"Eventually we grow weary of seeking treasures outside
ourselves and we begin to look within. There we discover
that the gold we sought, we already are."
I think sometimes we've gotta say 'thanks world... i love ya...but if i dont give myself a little lovin for a while....the rivers gonna run dry...'
Heres to a cup that overflows with love my friend,
And to us! ;)
Much love, M
I agree with Mick. I used to worry and yes, I can be cynical, but I have let most of that go.
Do what you can to make things better in your life and let the chips fall where they may.
Don't plan too much. If we get consumed with what will happen in life, we get consumed with planning instead of living.
And if it helps, know that you make me hot every time I see a comment from you. Purrrrrr. Cheers Di!!
Oh girl...you've somehow gotten into my grape and have been tripping over all those storage boxes in there..knocking the lids off and letting shit escape! I thought I locked the door when I left but I guess not. :(
I'm with ya....been there...done that...it's the proverbial loop in my grape.
It's sometimes hard to see the shiney stuff when you forget to put on those rose colored glasses and instead reach for the ones covered in grease and life grime.
Humor...that's the key. Oh...maybe that's it...did you loose your key?
Get you a brightly colored purse...Yellow maybe?....dump all the old shit outta your 'old' bag...sift through it...pick out all the shiney stuff and throw out all the old,greasy,torn up shit and start fresh. And, while your at it...have a new key made....a bright shiney key....for your future grandbaby to play with...and use it to unlock the box that holds the good china that you put away for safe keeping.
Sabatoge...it's the new 'black'....let's wear yellow from now on!!!
You know I love ya more than my luggage!!!!
linda r - I was thinking of your recent post when I wrote this - your words rang so true for me :)
and yes!!! Gabrielle always leaves a comment worth readig and mulling over - she's a comfort that way
lisa - the funny girl in me usually cries a little too ;)
it's where all good comedy comes from - I felt the hug - thank you
travis - I have just about every Broadway soundtrack! I've been playing 'Wicked' a lot - there's a good story in all that music.
walking man - I love saying 'Fuck It' - there is a power in that. as there is in the poetry of your comment
jeni - remember when Lou Grant told Mary - "you have spunk. I hate spunk!"
that just made me have a good laugh
and thanks for your faith in my spunk - means a lot :)
micky - living in the moment is a blessing. I'm getting better at it - I still do have trouble with it at times - hence the name of my blog ;)
maithri - to us! :)
I adore you - and always send hugs sweet doctor
matt-man - of course it helps matty, more than I can say.
tt - the next time you say you're not a good writer I am going to beat the living shit out of you - well with a soft pink flamingo maybe - your comment is beautiful and funny and just so lovely on so many levels.
check your purse - I made a spare shiney key ;)
love you to fucking bits
I used to be *such* the worrier. But as I've gotten older, I've loosened up and I figure it'll all work out. Somehow.
Let loose. Follow your heart. Have some fun!
XOXO
I'm having similar feelings, Dianne. And I haven't talked to anyone about them not even Vinny, the hubby. My nephews jobs are threatened and I hate knowing that. We, who have just retired, are juggling the investments and such to see where we are financially. I don't have any answers for myself or anyone. I'm not worried about you or me. It's just the way it is. I saw a film recently called "Doubt." Early in the film, the priest, played by Philip Seymour Hoffman, says in his sermon on Sunday morning: Doubt is a very strong emotion. It is as important and strong as certainty. Doubt can carry a person through as well as certainty, maybe better than certainty. That's not word-for-word but close. I took some hope from that quote. ...just saying. :)
It's clear from the comments here that you've struck a nerve. I journal about this daily to get it outside myself so that I can let the worry go and live in the moment releasing fear and embracing faith that all things work together for good ... eventually. That said, when I return from a pleasant outing with my sister to learn the Stock Market has hit new lows ... the sinking feeling that I might not be around long enough to see the recovery causes me to sit down an write again ... then meditate ... then pray ... all to center myself in hope & faith again ... while recognizing it could well get worse before it gets better.
Hugs and blessings,
Nothing much to add here, but I'm thinking of you. I'm anxious too, my (wonderful, talented and the-ideal-employee) husband can't get work, and we are living on my (maxed) overdraft. But we have a roof over our heads, and each other - for now that has to be enough (and he is cute, which helps a lot ;) ).
Anyway - hugs, and hang on in there.
My answer to "How are ya doing?" is..."Been better...been worse."
And Things always seem worse at night in the dark. Good thing day dawns bringing light to life.
That's the best that I can do right now...kinda in a funk myself.
RLL - some fun sounds like a good idea ;)
thanks
mary - I know what you're saying - I have often found the best answers in times of uncertainty. thanks Mary
storyteller - I center myself many times a day :)
jackie - hugs right back at ya! I bet he's real cute ;)
mare - I've been making sure to do at least one creative thing each day - my photography is a life saver and today I made mac & cheese - nothing like some comfort food ;)
hang in lady
These are tough times and it doesn't look to get better anytime soon. But in times like these the best thing we can do for ourselves and our families is stick together. At the end of the day, those are the folks who will see you through the tough times. For me that is my well-spring of hope.
Am really relating to all you say. These are scary times right now. All any of us can do is get through the best we can. I wish i had answers but all I have are questions!
Di,
Sorry I've fallen a little behind again. Before I read this, this past weekend gabrielle and I were discussing this exact same thing. I was bitching and moaning because I feel lately like my blog isn't me. I've been afraid to talk about what's really been on my mind, and as a result, my blog is a bunch of fluff that has nothing to do with what's going on in my world. I was planning to post about it too. I think it's a defense mechanism. And like you said, denial. Do what you need to do - blog what you want open or not. We know and love the real you, even when you hold back and process your surroundings. I'm just happy for every morsel you decide to share. Take care of yourself and your sweet furry ones.
What a gift it is when people speak the truth. I went into a valley much like yours when too many things - my mother's illness, my sister's murder, memories of abuse were joined with injury to my legs. I think for people who have been caretakers from early childhood, it's especially frightening to need help ourselves. Our inner children grew up as little adults but as a consequence (I'm projecting myself here) aged into adults who are neither child nor quite adult despite being very responsible. Not being very clear here. But for me when my grown up child finally had to put down the load she had carried for 45 years, the person left to try and pick it up again was only about 5 years old and didn't have a clue how to cope, having never been parented. Lord, I've got to stop because I'm not making sense and taking a long time to not do it. I may email you some stuff I wrote about agoraphobia some years back that might make more sense.
Thank you for speaking truth. It is always healing for you and those who read it.
spartacus and CG and magnetbabe and raven -
thank you for words of empathy and kindness - it's hard right now to come back to this post as I am concentrating on enjoying the moment in history. I do need to re-visit this subject as it helps to expose it to the air and light
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