Saturday, January 10, 2009

Two Stories: One True - One Wordzzle

For months now I haven’t felt much in the mood to write any fiction. I have barely had the concentration required to read fiction.

Life is just too real.

Thankfully sometimes the reality is also hilarious. Hilarious and stranger than fiction.

Yesterday morning the PC started making odd sounds and freezing. Then I got messages about over-heating and voltage out of range. Finally it shut itself down (suicide?) and a few moments later the power strip tripped.

I’ll spare you all the tech talk. Let’s just say my house was wired by an electrician who is a frustrated quilt maker.

So I climb under the desk, belly crawling thru the jungle of boxes and cat toys and dust tumbleweed. I trip the power strip back into position. As I back out – no my butt was not making that backing up chirping sound, it’s not a new model – I misjudge my position, raise my head and smash it against the edge of my desk.

The power of my big ole, hard ole head hitting the fine faux wood of my desk caused such a shudder that my coffee mug flipped up and over and drenched my keyboard. As I back out the rest of the way, head reeling, coffee rolls off the desk onto my head. It was soothing.

I recover.

An hour later I am in the parking lot of Staples. As I lean into the open passenger side door of my little car to gather up my keyboard pennies the Hummer parked beside me flings open its door and smashes into my door. My door is so startled and upset that it lashes out by bashing me in the head.

Old dudes in Hummers – please! – get penile enlargement surgery or pay a 20 year old for sex and leave the freakin’ Hummer home.

I recover.

Back in the relative safety of my home I change into my favorite sexy lounging sweat pants and prepare to tackle the back of the CPU. Keyboard surgery is a simple procedure – millions are done yearly, the survival rates are high.

As I make my way to the basement the cuff of my sexy lounging sweat pants catches on the protruding frame of the fourth step from the bottom – the guy who did the stairs was the electrician’s cousin – and I begin to free fall through the air.

As my head heads toward the very firm frame of a filing cabinet I plead with God to let this last blow to my head kill me.

I don’t have health insurance anymore but the life insurance is still paid up.

God spares me. I am his/hers/their favorite sitcom.

Since I’m on the floor anyway I clean up the coffee.

And on I go …

I managed to write a WORDZZLE for this week before my coma set in.

Ten Word : We were born on the same day in the same hospital, Weeping willow, Two for one sale, Highway robbery, Burial ground, roll of paper towels, gospel singer, gallows, weirdo, volcano
Mini Challenge: Symbiosis, Sagging breasts, Navaho blanket, Frogmen, Who says I got no heart?

For all that is good and holy! Sweet Mary – Mother of Jesus! Would you just shut up!”

And with that blessing another day began in Room 216 at Weeping Willow Senior Center. Better known as the ‘Gallows Ghetto’ Weeping Willow was home to 106 elderly citizens, most of them poor and sick.

Soledad Symbiosis laughed out loud at her roommate’s blathering. “Oh Mary Margaret Mary - such language. And coming from a pious woman such as you no less. Get a grip girl. Heave up those sagging breasts and greet the day with some joy”.

”Joy!? You want joy? How can I greet the day with joy when I share a room with a weirdo who starts every day wrapped in a rag and uttering nonsense? How?”

”And stop mocking my name”

Soledad just laughed even more. “I’m not mocking you Triple M, I love your name and enjoy saying it. It rolls off the tongue and conjures up such memories – church bells and pretty little penguins all in a row and all that jazz. What’s the point in having a cool nun name if you’re not going to sport it? And my rag is an authentic Navaho blanket. I always wear it when I do my morning recitations. You know that.”

Soledad went to the window and threw open the curtains. The sun was bright and glared off the façade of the Volcano Diner across the road. She glanced back at Mary and smiled. “It’s a beautiful day and the diner is still running their breakfast special – two for one sale on all the pancakes we can eat. How ‘bout it Sister Triple M? I’m buying.”

”As long as you’re buying” Mary said. “Even when they charge just one of us for breakfast that place is highway robbery.”

“I’ll gladly pay for your breakfast Mary.”

Mary feigned exaggerated shock. “And to think they call you heartless.”

Now it was Soledad’s turn to act surprised. “Who says I got no heart? Not anyone here. I’m very popular you know.”

Mary’s laugh came out like a snort. “Popular? Is that what you’re calling it? “

“Yes MMM that’s what I’m calling it. I am as popular as the gospel singer at Tallawachee Burial Grounds.”

Mary was shuffling toward the bathroom with her Sunday clothes in hand. “They really do a nice service over at Tallawachee, don’t they? Pity I’m going to be buried by the church. I love that gospel singer.”

Soledad gave Mary’s arm a little squeeze. “I bet I could get her to come to the church Mary, you know the Baptists love to show the Catholics how it should be done, don’t worry about that right now. Just get dressed. And wear your good bra, you really are sagging girl”

Another snort laugh from Mary – “Oh please! The girls are in fine shape! I bet I could still pass that pencil test they did on Oprah.”

“Pencil” Soledad shrieked. “Girl you could carry a roll of paper towels under there! Jumbo size even.”

Mary pushed Soledad away gently and closed the bathroom door as Soledad was still speaking…

“And hurry up. I want to get to the diner before it gets crowded. I love watching those little plastic frogmen in the lobster tank.”

A short while later Soledad and Mary head down the hall together, arm in arm.

At the entrance they run into the center’s Director – Felicity Fithearty. “Off to the diner ladies?”
Mary nods as Soledad pulls her along. “Keep moving, we’ll never get out of here if she starts yakking it up. And she always asks the same question. How is it you ladies get on so well?”

Mary chuckles. “And we always give her the same answer.”

We were born on the same day in the same hospital” they say in unison.

60 comments:

the walking man said...

Uhhhh Too damn funny the story of your travails with the PC Dianne...you do know that keyboards are waterproof right? There is a rubberized membrane under the keys for incidents just like yours and err ahhh take the side off your PC and see how much dust is in there...most likely needs a good cleaning...a small air compressor is best, much better than those lame ass cans of compressed air they sell for 12 bucks a can...

Having been in contact with more nuns than I wish to remember I shuddered at the description of triple M's breasts...

Dianne said...

mark - a couple of old night owls we are. The keyboard was a loss, every stroke was producing double letters, control characters, and so on.

and yep! the fan needed cleaning out.

poor Triple M - no respect for her sag ;)

Happy Saturday morn Mark

Akelamalu said...

LOL You don't need a bang on the head to produce great wordzzles Dianne you always do a great job!

Dr.John said...

You did a marvelous job with a very difficult list.
Sorry about your personal adventure.

Mare said...

Your escapades started my day off with a laugh! Sounds like a scenario that could've happened to me, which is why I would never utter the words,"What else could go wrong?" Very funny!

Melli said...

WHAT an endearing story! Oh my gosh! I LOVE it! And to think that you did it with THOSE words! WOW! Now I am utterly convinced that the words are not horrible at all -- it's just ME! I couldn't get an idea to save my soul from these words this week! Not ONE plum idea! I guess your writer's block has moved on to me! Cuz YOU did GREAT! Bravo!

And I think it might all have to do with all those bonks on the head... what a DAY!

Dianne said...

akelamalu - it felt good to be back!

dr. john - thanks, and thanks lol
the adventure all turned out OK, just a whopper of a headache today

mare - I never say that either! it's like tempting fate
I'm pleased that I helped start the day with a laugh

melli - I saw symbiosis and thought soledad and it just came to me from there - I like them a lot, maybe I'll trying writing more about them
I'm still working on Finola too/again -
thanks melli for always being so enthusiastic in your praise and encouragement

Mrs. C said...

!!

I hope the Hummer guy at least stopped to see if you were ok?

And how's your grandkid doing?

And how are you feeling this morning?

bobbie said...

Your true story was a harrowing tale, and hilarious to those of us not experiencing it. Hope you're really OK.

I enjoyed the gals heading for the diner too.

Dianne said...

mrs c - he didn't even glance my way
grandbaby is fine - in the last sonogram she/he was waving ;)
I have quite a headache this morning!!

Dianne said...

bobbie - I'm fine, just a headache! I love the gals :)

gabrielle said...

Wow!!! What a hilarious story you made out of a really sucky day. My intervention of choice for ornery gadgets is physical abuse. Typically, I use a blunt object other than my head.

Your wordzzle is brilliant!!! I had a patient who stashed cigarette packs in her “couchee”. This was on the locked ward where smokes were contraband…

No wordzzle for me this week. I’m in the brain lock category.

May your coma turn into comma. Looking forward to more inspired writing.
Hope you and your PC are feeling better.

Raven said...

Well, I'm glad you got this wonderful story written before your series of physical mishaps. I must say that I really enjoyed reading about your difficulties. You make them so entertaining. Glad you are wordzzling again. I missed you while you were gone.

Raven said...

Just re-read what I wrote and it sounded rather unsympathetic. Hope you are recovering and didn't re-injure anything. I'm no longer able to crawl under things but I still manage to bang my head and other parts of my body with some regularity. Sigh. Stay well.

Sylvia K said...

I have to admit I had to put the coffee cup down as I was reading your harrowing tale as I was laughing so hard and I almost set it down on my own keyboard! Thanks for starting my day of with the realization I'm not the only one banging various parts of my body on a daily basis, but it is definiely getting harder to crawl in, around or under anything anymore! Hope you're better -- you and your computer.

Shelly said...

Your noggin takes a wackin' and you keep on tappin' - on the keyboard that is....goodness child that was a nasty day you had - ouch!
The paper towel line had me laughing out loud, puppy looked at me like I was a little crazy...she does that a lot.

Richard said...

Dianne: You hit the mark with your commentary - fantastic. As good as talks with Nanna. Keep it up and make sure you're working on putting these all together in book form.

I was touched by the story of the two old ladies. I spent some time with my Mom when she was in a home and wish I had met a pair like that.

Are you healed up completely? I hope so. Have you thought about inventing a line of fashionable helmets to wear around the house and when going to Staples.

Rich

Mrs. C said...

Oh, Dianne, what an awful guy, and to pretend you're not there, too. You truly have a forgiving spirit. Unlike me.

You don't suppose you have a concussion? Have you checked your pupils? You're not sleepy are you? I've heard somewhere not to take asprin if you hit your head.

Does anyone live with you or check in on you from time to time?

OK, I worry a lot, don't suppose you noticed. Glad the granbaby is doing well though. :]

Jackie said...

Oh poor ole you! I tipped a (full) cup of tea over my keyboard at work this week and the same thing, double letters for each key etc, I was writing gobbledegook (more so than usual) so had to scrounge an abandoned keyboard from elsewhere.

There must be something in the blogosphere water. It's nothing to do with inherent clumsiness, oh no.

Dianne said...

gabrielle - had it not been for literally seeing the character of Soledad Symbiosis I don't think I would have come up with an anything
I guess we all get blocked and unbloced for different reasons at different times

raven - even if you should ever sound unsympathetic I know you never are
and I enjoy turning personal mishaps into laughter, it makes them worth surviving ;)
I hope I can stay unblocked for Wordzzle - I did miss it.

sylvia - that's what I like to hear!! people telling me they were laughing

shelly - cats look at me like I'm nuts all the time ;)
I remember when Oprah did the pencil test - the more pencils you could hold under there the saggier you are
Oprah said she could hold a desk set! that's when I love her the most

rich - helmets for clumsy people!! and I could also have a line of cuff restraints for sloppy sweat pants
I have come to the conclusion that my best writing is when I'm making fun of myself and my life so that's where my focus is right now - just not sure in what form

mrs c - I will admit to wanting to key the Hummer but I didn't - and it felt good later to be the better person
I'm fine - really I am but thanks - you're very sweet :)

jackie - you made me feel better - I was thinking I threw out a perfectly good keyboard because I didn't let it dry but I tried everything. I couldn't even get online or on to my server because "m" came out as nm and so on
I blame it on Bush lololololol

Cherie said...

Absolutely, LOVE your Wordzzle. You know I always pronounce it "Word-dazzle." It's probably because your entries are always so dazzling. (I didn't even realize my pronunciation mistake until about a month ago. LOL)

*hugs* for the rest. xxoo

Mrs. C said...

OK, I'm glad you've written back but your saying that you have a headache concerns me.

I clicked on Annie Lennox Sing and was sad to see she was wearing an HIV positive T-shirt. :[ I am glad she is working to help people affected by this disease, however.

And one THIRD of pregnant women in South Africa are HIV positive!???

Where is the outcry!!???? Here my inbox is full of ire at Campbells for advertising in a stupid gay magazine, when we should be angry about kids and moms dying. :[ I wish Campbells would just advertise in a "Christian" magazine too for balance, because everyone eats soup, then AFA would shut up (well, maybe) and we can go help our brothers in need.

OK, soapbox done.

Mrs. C said...

FORGOT to say I liked your wordzle too though not sure why Oprah wants people to put pencils and other objects in bras.

Don't answer that.

Had a bit of time free and feeling chatty. Hugs.

Ramblings of a Villas Girl said...

Hi Dianne! I'm sorry. I laughed at your true story. I'm glad your okay. I'm also glad you did a Wordzzle. It was a lot of fun. Lisa

Dianne said...

cherie - I like Word-dazzle! ;)
and thanks for such kind words

mrs c - I saw something about the soup ad and I just had to pass it by - I can't get riled up by everything.
the oprah thing was a segment on exercises to firm up your breasts - not just for cosmetic reasons but also because it's better for your back
a truly perky breast wouldn't be able to hold anything under it as opposed to a roll of paper towels

lisa - I wanted everyone to laugh - I laughed, after a bit of cursing. It was all so ridculous and it just wouldn't stop

Linda said...

Now that I have recovered from laughing my fool head off at your poor adventures, let me just say that I am so sorry that all of that happened (though it made for some very entertaining reading!). Sometimes life just seems like it can't get any worse - until it does! But at least you took it all in stride and didn't break anything major (at least I hope not!) AND you got a great story out of the deal. What more could you ask for other than for none of it to have happened?!?

Travis said...

Will you forgive me for laughing my ass off at your computer adventure? I'm very sorry you kept getting whacked in the head, but you're telling of it was hilarious.

We had interwebs trouble on Friday. It turned out we had a loose connection on the modem.

bettygram said...

I like your characters in the wordzzle.
When I have "one of those days" I will remember yours to help me through. I hope your OK.

Dianne said...

linda - I didn't break anything! my head kept breaking my fall ;)

travis - laugh and laugh some more! I did!!

bettygram - they are a couple of cool old gals lol
I hope you never have a day like my yesterday. I'm fine, just a little sore. I seem to be getting better at getting injured lol

Jeff B said...

Thanks to you I no longer have an ass. I just laughed it clean off!

I know it's terrible to find so much humor in your unfortunate circumstances, but the way you told it left me no choice.

Loved the Wordzzle too. My hat's off to you and anyone else who could come up with something this week. My brain was stuck in neutral, and I couldn;t seem to get anything decent.

Dianne said...

jeff - well now you're making me laugh!!
It felt so good to be back at Wordzzle, I've been gone for so long!

Lu' said...

Geeze woman you had a hell of a day. Sorry but your writing of the experience was funny. I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you :) I enjoyed your story, especially the paper towels under the boobs, HA. I know where she is coming from.

Kelly said...

Oh Dianne,

First off, I'm so glad that you are apparently doing okay other than a bad headache, but that really was one of the funniest stories I've ever heard (I know it didn't happen to me, it happened to you!)

Your writing is fabulous and I think you absolutely could be looking at a sitcom series with stories and writings like this!

Hugs

RiverPoet said...

It's a darned good thing you have a hard head, Dianne!

Try to stay out of trouble this weekend!

Peace - D

Linda Reeder said...

Fact IS funnier than fiction, but your fiction was pretty funny too.
You amaze me.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Talk about one thing after another....Good Lordy Marie! I'm amazed you survived ALL these terrible physical horrors....And very glad you did, my dear....!

I know I need to have the Computer Wizard come and clean my computer inside---it is making some noise too...And last time this happened it needed cleaning...!

You amaze me Dianne with how you get in ALL the words and sayings in these writings...! This was WONDERFUL!

Dianne said...

lu - thanks for laughing with me ;)

kelly - thanks!! I'd love to write a sitcom -

riverpoet - it is!! I know! thanks lol

linda r - thanks so much :)

oldold lady of the hills - for some reason Lordy Marie made me think of Geez Louise lol
I'm glad you enjoy my writing :)

tt said...

BRAVOOOOOoooo!!!!!!!!!!
I've so missed your stories.

"Heave up those sagging breasts and greet the day with some joy”. What a smile that line gave me...:)
Have you been in my bedroom in the mornings??? I'm thinking she was talking to me! LMAO!!!!

Spartacus said...

Dianne... I'm so sorry you were victimized so completely by Murphy's Law. All the same, I'm glad Soledad and Mary got in on the two-fer at the Volcano. I'd go for the cheeseburger deluxe myself.

Dianne said...

tt - hey Lady!!
I say that line out loud every morn :)

spartacus - cheeseburger deluxe was our favorite sober up at the diner meal in Bay Ridge - back in the day ;)

Sparkling Red said...

Good heavens! I'm grateful that you survived that day to tell the tale! Er, maybe you should start wearing a helmet all the time, just in case?
;-)

Maybe it's something in the way the stars are lined up this weekend. My latest post is also about a series of misadventures, although I didn't get injured, fortunately.

Dianne said...

sparkling - I think it is the post holiday duldrums gone mad ;)

Hilary said...

Poor you.. here, have an ice pack. You sure went to extremes to knock that writer's block out of you. I hope your accident streak is over now that the writing streak has begun.

And at 53, I'm proud to say that I'm still dropping pencils... hmmm and toothpicks. :/

Ivanhoe said...

Oh my Lord, Di, are you alright? I wanted to laugh at your story, but now I'm just worried...

Knight said...

Okay, that's it! I'm sending you a helmet with knee and elbow pads.

Daryl said...

I am glad you survived .. you did, didnt you?

Bond said...

OK, I LOVED the real story....the wordzzle was good...the real story brilliant!

Hope your head is all better

Dianne said...

hilary - dropping pencils!! hah! you're such a show-off

ivanhoe - I'm fine! but thanks for worrying

knight - how much you wanna bet I'd manage to hurt myself with the pads lol

daryl - I survived :)

bond - thanks!! pain has always been a source of inspiration for me ;)

Trannyhead said...

I almost got taken out by an old dude in an Expedition, today, in a parking lot.

Sorry about your head, man.

Maithri said...

Dianne,

First of all you are tooo funny...LOL

But second of all aarrgh!!! are you ok??? Please look after that head of yours... its important...more important than any PC...

Take some time today to do something you love, which you havent done in a long time... that can be my gift to you ;)

Much love, M

Tammy said...

I'm still laughing about the hummer joke!!!

Dianne said...

trannyhead - they're freakin' dangerous!! worse than the tiny soccer Moms in giant cars full of kids they can't control - stop the madness!!

maithri - thank you sweet doctor. I really am OK, my head is a wonderful buffer - big hair and all ;)

tammy - I love it, laughter is so good!! beware of the urban assault vehicles!

Lisa said...

Your stories are great even with the head trauma! A sign of a damn good writer, I must say. ;)

Don't make me come over there and bubble wrap you. Please be more careful.

CG said...

OMG, I shouldn't laugh but I howled!! Thank heavens none of the blows were fatal. What would we all do without you??

Deborah Godin said...

I laughed so hard at both of these. Especially the second one, because being fiction, the laughter was guilt free, not being at your expense. Hope you head is okay now.

SnoopMurph said...

Okay, you came up with a Wordzzle after all of that?? Glad you didn't meet your fate, especially to a filing cabinet-wait for a better exit! :)

The wordzzle was terrific-although that last line made me recall a boy from high school-born on the same day and same hospital as I was-and my mom liked to remind us both about that. Somehow we didn't find it as amusing, but now those things are pretty cool.

Take care!

Dianne said...

lisa - I'd love for you to come over! screw the bubble wrap we'll just drink wine!

CG - howl away! that's what I'm here for ;)

deborah - never feel guilty laughing at/with me - I am my own constant source of amusement

snoop - lololololol - I will wait for a better exit!!

Deb said...

Ouch! I did feel guilty about laughing out loud as I read about your day - the Hummer part was too funny! I was nervous as you wrote about falling down the stairs - but I realized you must be okay if you were still typing! Incredible job with the 'wordzzle' - tough words used very creatively! Gold stars and blue ribbons for you! Take care!

Dianne said...

deb - never feel guilty about laughing with me!

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