Thursday, April 16, 2009

We Have Urine!

How's that for a title?

Never ever a dull moment folks. The vet gave me this stuff called 'NoSorb' to get a urine sample from Mia. It is supposed to mimic the feel of litter but it won't absorb the liquid.

Well that's just fine if cats weren't suspicion squared and psychotically addicted to habit. Then again - think about it - how would you feel if you walked into your bathroom in the middle of the night and someone had swapped toilets. Cause for pause?

I emptied and cleaned her litter box - which is a lot like trying to make a sandbox spotless. And then I sprinkled in the magical crystals and held my breath - asking the goddess of urine samples for a good one.

Since I never sleep I'm aware that 3 AM is usually one of Mia's favorite litter times. At 3 on the dot I set up my stakeout at the litter box - which involved draping myself over my bed post in exhaustion while trying to look casual - cats read body language. All I could think of was - blend Dianne blend, followed by - pee Mia pee.

After 15 minutes my back couldn't take the position and Mia was freaked out by my casualness so I left. At 4:30 - I must have slipped into a coma - I hear tiny scratching sounds and I run (which is a comical sight on its own) to the litter box.

There is Mia - outside the box - scratching her little daisy covered litter mat and staring into the box like a woman who has just discovered her home has been robbed. She stares deep into my eyes and the conversation goes something like this ...

Me - Just go in and pee, it's OK

Mia - this is NOT my litter, haven't I been through enough?

Me - I need a urine sample Mia - we have to make you better

Mia - well figure out a better way

Me - well then pee in a cup! we'll have a sample and we'll get to go on Letterman

Mia - I thought you loved me

Me - Yeah!? Well I thought you loved me

I put her in the box and she freezes. Then she tries to jump out. I put her back in. She gets out. I put her back.

This entire dance is made even more comical by the fact that both of us can barely move.

I ease myself down onto the floor - with a lot of murmuring "Oy" and then a sudden thump as I realize how hard my hardwood really is.

Mia is intrigued. Perhaps the person will pee in the foul new litter and that will be that.

I put her back in the box and grab her favorite mouse toy and begin to do a "pee-pee" song for her. I channel Babs Streisand and belt out - "On a clear day, we can pee forever" while I make the mouse do a dance over her head.

The sheer beauty of my performance, the touching poignant quality of my song made her bladder release in joy!

The sun was rising over the hilltops (rooftops of the trailers behind my house) and the birds were singing (garbage trucks) and all was right with the world.

We have urine!

The goddess is good.

49 comments:

Deborah Godin said...

Oh my, I hope you get some good "make-up sleep" after all that! And hope they can find out what ails that sweet little face, and have something to help her!

Rob Inukshuk said...

I am hap-pee for you!
Now let's hope the vet can find out what ails poor Mia.

Still sending good vibes! Take some for yourself and get some rest.

meno said...

Pees be with you, and with your cat.

Daryl said...

WHY .. tell me why since the vet did all this blood work, why he/she didnt take a urine sample? My vet does it all the time w/Gus (who is diabetic and needs his urine tested daily which we do .. another story for another day) .. they do not hurt the cat but stick a hollow thin needle into the bladder and draw out urine .. a lot easier then the stupid 'not' litter and you having to crawl on the floor!

(((Dianne))) .. sending healing vibes to you both!

Kay said...

Ha! I can just see that!

We had a cat that wouldn't go... hadn't gone for days and I had to take him to the vet...me, the nondriver. So I put him in his case and carried him to the Light Rail.

Had to transfer to a bus under a freeway overpass.

Scared the pee right outta him.

Hope the sample helps and Mia gets better soon!

bobbie said...

God love you! What we do for our pets!

Daryl's way sound so much easier! Talk to your vet in case this ever arises again in the future.

Reb said...

Oh, Dianne! The things we do for our pets indeed! I hope now that you have the urine, they can find out what it is.

My friends cat has renal failure, was given 6 months - two years ago, so don't give up hope.

Sibu sends purrs and good wishes to Mia.

Sparkling Red said...

Oh my heavens. What a job to get a cat to pee on command! I'm glad you got the desired results. I wish all the best to Mia, and you!

Thom said...

What a story. I think you should become the National Make A Cat Pee Adminstrator. License that Dianne. It was hysterical but I am very HapPee you got Mia to do her duty. And the conversation was great :)

Ivanhoe said...

LOL. Get some sleep. Both of you :o)

Akelamalu said...

OMGG if ever I need to do a sample and can't I know where to come! LOL

Melli said...

ROFL! Congratulations! I hope soon all really WILL be right - with both of your worlds!

Betty said...

I'm impressed. I would never, ever have the patience to do that. I'd have told the Vet, "You want it? You get it." Hope kitty gets better soon.

Dianne said...

deborah - thanks! I have had a little nap and that helped

rob - you're such a sweet-pee ;)
I took some of those vibes, thanks

meno - and also with you ;)

daryl - my JR was diabetic, I did the urine tests and injections too, wanna open a clinic together?

kay - good heavens! I have enough troubel transporting Mia with a car - you got guts girl

bobbie - I know they gave me a reason but for the life of me I can't remember

reb - Mia sends thank you kisses to Sibu

sparkling - I wish I had thought to take photos!! the look on her face when I started singing was priceless - especially since she's deaf!! I wonder what she heard/felt?

thom - could you imagine!? I could have my own day and PSAs ... it would be fabulous

ivanhoe - I'm trying, thanks

akelamalu - I could even sing the song over the phone!

melli - endless hilarity, that's us!! ;)

betty - at least it keeps me from thinking about how screwed up I am! ;)

Hilary said...

I was thinking like Daryl.. why not have the vet use a syringe to extract some urine to test. I suppose it wouldn't have been nearly as interesting for a blog post, though. ;) I hope results are helpful.

Mia, urine very good hands, for sure! ;)

Richard said...

OK, step away from the Cat Piss!!!!!!! I never expected I'd write that sentence.

So... in order to own cats one must be humble, be clever and be willing to allow a portion one's sanity go, right?

You are a certified HOOT

Rich

Cherie said...

Poor baby girl. :cuddles

Nessa said...

I send you heartfelt congratulations!

Linda said...

I must say that this post was a real pisser in more ways than one!

Congrats on the urine and I hope that the tests all come out okay. I'm just sorry you didn't videotape all this so we could all watch it on YouTube and then the Evening News!

Ron said...

YAAAAAAHOOOOOOO!!!

WE HAVE URINE!!!!

OMG, Dianne this post was PRICELESS!

On a clear day you can PEE foreverBRILLIANT!

So happy for you both!

Give Mia a kiss and hug for me, ok?

Love ya
X

pink dogwood said...

Dianne - I am LMAO - you have amazing talent for recounting tales in the most humorous manner - congrats on getting the pee. My daughter had urinary reflux and until she was 4 when she had surgery, anytime she had fever for any reason - we had to go to docs office for pee sample - so I feel for you because I have been there :(

Kelly said...

This is the greatest story! I have laughed so hard I have to pee!! You need to write for Letterman or SNL! This is the funniest story I've heard in a long time! Thanks for sharing and for the laughs...

I really do hope she is doing okay though! Got to run----before I pee! hehehe

Matt-Man said...

I so dig golden showers. Cheers Di!!

Raven said...

Checking your blog very late only to discover this about Mia. I'm so sorry she isn't feeling well. I'll reiki her before I go to bed. I know you won't do it for yourself, but you could try writing to Dennis Puffett for Mia. He does animals too.

You are both in my prayers.

Dianne said...

hilary - "urine very good hands" !!
love it

rich - I used to be a wild whore, how times have changed ;)

cherie - she is loving the drama

nessa - thank you! I do feel a sense of great accomplishment ;)

linda - I do wish there was video of it because it was hilarious, when it was all over I just sat and laughed at the absurdity of it all for quite a bit
what has my life come to!? ;)

ron - she is calling you Uncle Ron now, you have been adopted
when she's better she'd like a skin consultaion - she thinks her whiskers are making her look older than she is

pink - bless your heart for comparing your child's needs to me and my cat - many people wouldn't see the correlation
you're a good soul pink, a very good soul

kelly - if you're gonna keep any of that pee don't forget to refrigerate
just sayin'

matty - I LOVE that you can make anything sexual - it is an incredible talent

Dianne said...

raven - Mia sends love right back to Aunt Raven - and to the girls

bermudabluez said...

Dianne....this is fabulous! LOVE the way you tell your stories!! Sending healing hugs for little Mia...hope the rest of it all works out!! I would never have thought to sing a song to make my cat pee! LOL You do have talent, my dear!!

Jeni said...

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who makes up my own songs using the melody and half the lyrics to famous pieces. But I don't think I'd ever have thought of "on a clear day you can pee forever" -nope, just don't think that would have come to me.
Glad to hear you got the needed pee for the vet, but like a few others have asked, why didn't he do it himself in the first place? Ah, questions, always questions, huh?
Now get some rest cause I betcha you -and Mia -both need some good sleep!

Jay said...

I'm kinda thinking that this could definitely get you on Letterman. LOL

The things people do for their cats. I'll never have a cat. ;-)

A. said...

My dogs have no problem having a not-so-accidental 'accident' when they feel neglected...but it takes 40 minutes to get a sample for the vet. Will have to try your trick next time!

Allison

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

CONGRATULATIONS, my dear....! I know this is very serious, but I must say that your reporting of this event is very funny! I particularly loved your conversation with Mia and then, of course, your Brilliant use of Singing and a Mouse!

I hope they figure out what is going on with her...She is so dear, and dear to you, as well!

Bob-kat said...

Cats can be such hard work can't they? :) I know mine is always suspicious of anything I do to try and care for him and is outraged when I take him to the vets. So much so that he throws up in my car every time. Just to make sure I know.

I hope the vet makes Mia feel much better very soon.

Bond said...

Now if only there was a camera to catch that little dance of desire and to record your pee pee song...

Hopefully Mia will get the assistance she needs.

Now put her regular litter back!

Have a grand weekend

Dianne said...

bermuda - thanks for the healing hugs :)

jeni - I got a million of those songs ;)

jay - ya know you would do anything for Cossette! and probably for a cat too if you weren't allergic

allison - that's how they are lol!

oldold lady of the hills - ya gotta laugh! ya just gotta! every day something new goes wrong and if I didn't laugh well ... ;)

bob-kat - my sweet JR used to throw up on the way to the vet and then he'd poop in the carrier on the way home
Mia just whinges a bit
Siren becomes insane - he turns into lethal jello - all teeth and claws and impossible to control - I usually need to sedate him

bond - I know I looked ridiculous and more than a little insane - how is that different you ask ;)
I put the litter back as soon as the pee was safely in my custody ;)

maryt/theteach said...

Oh Dianne, if I really picture the whole scenario I can't stop laughing! LOL!

Travis said...

I know this is terribly serious, but that was hilarious. A pee pee song and dance with a toy mouse over a cat's head while she squats in the litter box.

The things we do for our sweet little dears.

Dianne said...

mary - I'm glad I couldn't see myself! it must have been a sight ;)

travis - hilarity is good and helps us survive. I love that it made folks laugh

CG said...

Oh dear...it's not easy getting those urine samples is it!!

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