Saturday, May 2, 2009

Let a Wordzzle Be Your Umbrella

Happy May everybody! It’s raining here, it was raining here yesterday, it will be raining here tomorrow. April Showers do their encore.

translation, crunchy, cat’s paw, trunk, I love raspberry tarts, global warming, star struck, the midnight ride of Paul Revere, fragile, Spring fever
pancakes and syrup, flat tire, mongoose, this place looks like a bordello, first dance


Melody Mongoose was becoming more and more frustrated as she painted on body make-up to cover up her cat’s paw tattoo. She still had to do her face and hair and get dressed. She was exhausted and hungry. She called out to her chaperone Anita to get her some breakfast. “I already set out some black coffee and a grapefruit” Anita responded. “I’d prefer something sweet” Melody shouted back, “maybe a tart, I love raspberry tarts. Or how about some pancakes and syrup.” Anita didn’t respond and Melody knew it was futile to keep asking. Anita was a former Beauty Queen and had been some kind of spokeswoman for Florida oranges. She knew how to stay slim and was very strict and rigid. Melody had heard that Anita needed this crappy chaperone gig to pay off a tabloid that had pictures of her and her lover – another former Beauty Queen.

Finally dressed and ready Melody sprinkled a few crunchy almonds into the palm of her hand and headed for the elevator. Chewing on something calmed her nerves. Tonight was the all important ‘Q&A’ session and Melody knew how easy it was to make a misstep.

Melody took her place in line to go onstage. She peeked through the folds of the curtain to watch the judges take their seats. She was star struck. Where else but in Atlantic City could a girl from a second rate trailer park wind up in the company of Donald Trump, Barbra Streisand’s hairdresser and Screech from Saved By the Bell. Melody wasn’t sure who the other judges were but they couldn’t possibly be as important.

The house lights went down and the music came up. Star Jones whizzed past the girls followed by an entourage of gay men. Miss Georgia whispered, “Which one is she married to?” and was immediately silenced by her chaperone Ivanka.

One by one the girls were introduced by Star and one of the judges would ask the all important question.

Miss New York was asked if she had ever changed a flat tire. She giggled uncontrollably as she explained that she only took taxis.

Donald Trump asked Miss Hawaii if she thought global warming was a real threat to the planet. Melody was impressed by her spiritual response – “I see global warming as the earth’s way of having spring fever. Of course nature can be fragile but if we touch the butterflies gently and make sure we plant enough flowers for the bees I think God will take care of the rest.”

Screech was the next judge to ask a question. “How do you feel the United States could best help secure peace and prosperity for the African continent?” he read from his little blue card. Miss California, Heidi Homophobe, squirmed a bit and then her eyes lit up and she clutched her brand new chest and said – “I think all the villages would be safer if they each had someone to warn them that the Semolina pirates were coming. Just like the midnight ride of Paul Revere through the streets of Chicago. And in all actuality each rider could carry a trunk of food as well so those poor children can stop eating flies.”

The silence in the arena was profound as Miss Alaska walked to the microphone. It would be difficult to follow Heidi’s answer. Chloe Chords, 3rd cellist with the Hoboken Symphony asked Miss Alaska what moment in history she most wished she could visit. With tears in her eyes Alaska’s favorite closet meth head replied – “My parent’s first dance at their wedding. I have seen all the photos of that magical day at Wasilla’s Hunter’s Club and I have always dreamed of being there.”

Overcome with emotion Miss Alaska was assisted from center stage as Melody was introduced. She couldn’t believe her question was going to come from the only judging pair. It didn’t seem fair that she would be the one asked to face two judges. Bristol Palin prefaced the question by saying how inspired she was by Melody’s work as a companion for elderly migrant workers crippled by years in the fields. Especially since Melody had taught herself Spanish in order to read the Bible to them. Melody felt a spark of confidence and stood up taller as she straightened her Miss Texas sash. Bristol’s judging partner, Jenna Bush, remarked that she too spoke Spanish, having picked it up while watching the “sweet little brown children” clear brush at the ranch. Jenna then asked Melody to look out at the audience, all the proud parents, all the press, all the Republican interns and their dates from the Council for Family Values and tell them, in Spanish, what seeing them assembled before her meant to her. Melody was thrilled. She really didn’t speak Spanish and her visits with the elderly migrant workers had actually been manicure appointments but she vividly recalled what the cleaning lady had said to her every morning as she entered her room. Melody closed her eyes and conjured up the sound of Maria’s voice. She repeated the phrase, opened her eyes and flashed her million dollar smile as she pivoted away from the microphone and left the stage.

Backstage was buzzing and Melody assumed it was because a drunk and weeping Glenn Beck was trying to convince Rush Limbaugh to give him some pills. Anita was nowhere to be found and Melody felt a shiver of panic go up her spine. She had told the crowd how blessed she was to be sharing this time with them, why did everything feel so strange. Why was everyone staring at her? She twirled around and crashed breasts first into Bill O’Reilly. He asked for her phone number and told her what a ballsy gal he thought she was.

“The officials checked that translation real quick” BO snorted, “I’ll be damned but you really did tell them that this place looks like a bordello. I’ll be calling you later tonight honey.”

Things are sunny at RAVEN’S, lots of Wordzzles to read.

23 comments:

Dr.John said...

Great use of the words.I loved the ending.

Jay Simser said...

God, You are just so good!. You hit just about everything. I love the way your mind works. j

Akelamalu said...

LOL Dianne I love it! How on earth do you think up all the names??? Fabulous writing as always. :)

Thom said...

That was the funniest thing I have ever read. Truly amazing and very well written. :)

bettygram said...

You create a great story using the words so well that I could just picture this beauty pagent and I liked the ending.

Raven said...

Oh, what a fun GOP bashing romp that was... Well done. I enjoyed Heidi Homophobe.... who has found a way to make a career of it playing both victim and professional bigot at the same time.

Richard said...

You are the Queen of politcal snark. I loved every part of the story, but of course the ending it just said it all. You made me smile today. Thanks.

Fandango said...

WE dragons think she should win. That is a great Spanish saying. After all it looks like what it looks like.
A nice job with really hard words.

Cloudia said...

Applause!
Aloha-

Shelly said...

I sorta snort laughed at the "new chest" line.

Shelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gabrielle said...

It's been a while since I thought about Wasilla. This was hilarious!!!

Travis said...

HA! That was funny!

Stephen said...

The story started out good and just kept getting better and better. I loved it. I thought the funniest part was probably the sentence with Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, though the part about Bill O’Reilly was also good. I also enjoyed the part about Anita, of orange juice and beauty queen fame. Many funny things were scattered throughout the story.

Stephen from Scottsdale, Arizona, USA
http://stephen-has-spoken.blogspot.com/

Hilary said...

I am impressed. I graphical layouts, I'm given a few design elements which I need to make work for a label, sign or other. It boggles my mind how you weave a story together with designated words/phrases. Well done. :)

CJ said...

Great response to the challenge ---and very clever scenario.

Bond said...

bwahahahahahahahahahhaahahhahaha

deep breath

bwahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha

holding my sides

bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

falling over onto the ground

bwahahahahahahahahahahahahhaaaa

Ivanhoe said...

Hahahaha. I hope Ms. Texas won :o)
Hope the sun is shinning today!

Nessa said...

Very funny.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL, LOL...HILARIOUSLY BRILLIANT, my dear....And I LOVE you resurrecting Miss Anita of The Oranges...This is truly Priceless! The whole entire thing! And I needed this laugh, a whole lot, So I thank you very very much....LOL!

Michael Manning said...

Stopped by to say Hello!:D)

Reb said...

That was very funny. Bravo!

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