Saturday, May 30, 2009

A Wordzzle About The Wordzzle That Almost Was

parasite, meals on wheels, crows, it's my fault, everything but the kitchen sink, on sale, patriotism, the love of my life, library card, common sense

blackmail, California, stethoscope, postage, crank

I had a story. A wonderful story. I started it days ago; it was to be my first mystery. As I developed the characters – Percy Parasite and California Cougar – the story became the love of my life. This would be my masterpiece. It would be on sale at Barnes & Noble. People would line up to get a library card just to reserve a copy.

The story started out with Percy slowly killing his wife by poisoning her postage stamps. Percy is a lobbyist so there were many references to greed and false patriotism. Percy was to get what’s coming to him through blackmail and a series of witty crank calls.

California confused me. She started out as a struggling actress. Age had caused her to lose roles and she was desperate for money. Since she wasn’t too bright she spent long hours working for ‘Meals on Wheels’ before realizing it was a volunteer position. I held a stethoscope to her head and heard the ocean. I threw everything but the kitchen sink into creating the bimbo of all bimbos.

And then common sense took hold of me. How would California hatch a brilliant blackmail scheme? She was an idiot. I got so angry at her that I had her pecked to death by crazed crows. The next Tippi Hedren – born and killed in the same paragraph.

So it’s my fault. This is what you get. The story of how the story didn’t become a story.

There are links to actual stories at RAVEN’S


Dr.John said...

That may be the modst creative non story story of the day or any day I guess.
Very good writing.

bettygram said...

That was a very good non story.

Akelamalu said...

Genius Dianne! A story about a story that never was! LOL

Jay Simser said...

Working long hours for Meals on Wheels before realizing it was a volunteer position...I will chuckle about that all week-end. Marvelous, Thanks, j

bobbie said...

It became a really great story! I really enjoyed this one! I should be able to write such a story!

The Peach Tart said...

Entertaining. I'm sure another story will come out of it...maybe keep Percy but change her character to a woman of more substance.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

I love that line about "I put a stethoscope to her head and heard and ocean"....LOL, LOL!
I LOVE the way your mind works, my dear! Thanks for the laugh today.

Reston Friends! said...

Fabulous! What a delight to read! I laughed out loud and my daughter, working on a bio take home test next to me said I was disturbing her concentration. So what? I loved the story!

Travis said...

Oh my! But now you have a completely new story! I envision one of those stories about telling a story that is so outrageous that the reader finds himself at the end without realizing it.

Dianne said...

Dr John - thanks :)
the entire genre of non storytelling storytelling will be big one day LOL

bettygram - thank you - I'm thinking of it as the un-cola of fiction ;)

akelamalu - thanks lady! it made me think of how Seinfeld was so brilliant as the show about nothing

jay - making people laugh makes me so happy - thanks

bobbie - thanks! I was so frustrated, the actual story story took me hours and hours and then I got lost in it
this took me 10 minutes - LOL

peach - I'm not sure - when characters upset me I rarely go back - that's why I have so many almost finished novels

oldold lady of the hills - I always look forward to your praise - considering all your talent and history I feel like I'm getting a good review from the Times
thanks lady :)

reston - on no! bio tests are something I always had trouble with - hugs to your daughter, I'm sure she'll do great.
so glad you enjoyed

travis - I think I'm going to try this again. of course now that I say it it'll never come to me, all my good stuff is always an accident ;)

Raven said...

This was just wonderful! I'm still laughing. Thank you!

Richard said...

I was going to comment on the brilliant names, the fascinating concept of a story untold and wit and charm of the story, but somehow I was unable to finish the thought.

Clever girl, your writing delights me.


the watercats said...

Love the angle!... and the poisoned postage stamps, lol.. Thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed myself here!

Anonymous said...

How that brain of yours works amazes me time after time. A story about a story that never was. Ingenious my friend. "The next Tippi Hedren - born and killed in the same paragraph" love it :)

CJ said...

Very clever.

CG said...

Very clever. i liked the idea of the poisoned postage stamps!

Stephen said...

It was an interesting and amusing story. I think it worked out very well.

Stephen from Scottsdale, Arizona, USA

Nessa said...

The best non-story I've read in a while.

gabrielle said...

Poisoned postage stamps. Tippi Hedren undone by her own vapidity.
A seasoned writer listens to her characters, even if it’s through a stethoscope.
This was delightful!

Linda said...

That's one of the best non-stories I've read in quite some time. Very clever of you!

ForestJane said...

Nice! I like Percy with the poisoned postage the best, good alliteration. :)

Sorry so late to respond, but my internet was down, and I can't blog at work.