My son's best friend, my favorite "adopted" child who was my first employee when I started my business and who is the smartest young man I know calls his intuition his "spider senses". When he's teasing me he'll call it his "spidee". I've always felt I have really good instincts about people and situations. My former bosses of the "Evil Empire Corporation" promoted me to the board in part due to my "spot on gut instincts" - I've always hated the term gut instincts - so blood and gore - plus it makes me feel fat.
I always regret not listening to my "inner spider" - I've dated real jerks even when I felt from moment one that I should walk away, I've taken on horrid clients not worth the paper their checks are written on when the first e-mail they sent me screamed stay away from this lunatic, I've spent too much money on important purchases all the while telling myself not to trust the salesperson. The saving grace is that I usually trust myself sooner rather than later. I tell the jerk not to call again, I turn down the second project from the crazy client, I keep all receipts and return the crappy product.
It is rare for me to consistently ignore my "inner spider". I'm always sorry when I do ...
While on the waiting list with Big Brothers/Big Sisters I responded to an ad run by a similar agency. Big Sisters had approved me but there were no girls waiting at the moment - the boys waiting for Big Brothers outnumber the girls 3 to 1. Sad statistic since there are more female volunteers than male. The agency running the ad is part of a huge religious organization and although the ad clearly stated that the charity was secular I had my doubts (spider sense 1 ignored). I was anxious to be a mentor so I signed up and, after background checks and interviews, I was approved.
I had my assignment interview with the social worker in charge of the program. She was abrupt and glib and I disliked her instantly. (spider 2 ignored) - I told myself that social work was difficult, surely she was overworked and would be easier to deal with once we knew each other.
Right before meeting my mentee I attended a training session - all the other mentors were from the church right across the parking lot from the office, they were all bitchin' and moanin' about "their kids" and I stopped counting the politically incorrect remarks - (spiders 3 - 5 ignored). The training itself was disorganized. The keynote speaker was a hack lawyer from the church who sounded more like an insurance salesman than a social worker and the program director took abrupt straight into rude. (spiders 6 - 8 ignored)
I told myself it was the kids that mattered and arranged to meet my mentee. She is the oldest of 4 children (as I am) - she is often used as surrogate Mom (as I was) and she needs an adult to have some fun with and get some guidance from (as I did). Things were looking up.
Before meeting my mentee the program director who is also her social worker told me that my mentee never did any fun things - her greatest wish was to go to the local amusement park. She had no outlets - she was bright and needed some stimuli. Things were really looking up.
The girl I met was sullen, she did not seem at all interested in having a mentor. She appeared angry at the match (as they call it) and was very resistant to making plans. She was also 12 and from a struggling, dysfunctional family. I remembered my 12 year old self and thought I understood. Over the course of many weekly get-togethers I discovered she only enjoyed sports - all the interests I had listed on my lengthy application were "stupid", "boring", "a waste of time" to her. Sports had been one of my lowest rated interests on the application. I'm 50+ with a bad back - bowling sends me into traction. (spider 9 ignored). I thought that with some persistence and patience I could open her mind a bit. And I could enlist the help of my son and his wife for the physical stuff.
We plodded on - spending days at the dreamed of amusement park, buying T-shirts, CDs, DVDs - weeks go by and I start to realize I'm a glorified ATM machine. I also discover that she has been to the amusement park dozens of times, she's also been on a cruise and is a member of several organized (and expensive) sports teams. I try to discuss this with my mentee to the typical deaf ears of a teen so I ask her social worker for help with managing financial expectations and for advice on how to establish better common ground. I am shocked when my mentee tells me that the social worker admonished her to "stop expecting Dianne to spend $100 every weekend" - (spider 10 ignored). Clearly none of my conversation was truly absorbed. While attempting to sort out this miscommunication with the social worker from hell I am lectured on not sending in my stats on time (stats = funding). (spider 11)
I've lost count of how many of my "inner spiders" were ignored during the organization's community events. Let's just round up to 30. The picnic where I offered to clean up and was told no thanks, only to hear later that I thought I was better than the others by leaving while there was still trash to collect. The Christmas party where I was told to mind my own business when I questioned why another mentor was punishing his mentee for a silly infraction. We have been trained to not be parents and to not punish - especially for something as silly as playing with the front door - during a party! I was told that mentor was "a long time deacon in the church" (oh "we're a secular group" spider, why didn't I listen!?) and that his "standing with us isn't questioned" - Oh and I learned he donates a ton of money and equipment. The last event I tried to be part of was the "Cultural Luncheon" - our written instructions were to pick an aspect of our mentee's heritage and cook a dish and make a little presentation. Imagine how I felt when most of the mentors decided on hot dogs or cookies. No costumes - no handouts - nothing from the instructions. Me and my mentee were like science geeks, history dorks. And she had been so resistant to the exercise to begin with. She absolutely gloated when her brother's mentor told me their heritage was "American" so they hadn't bothered with foods or presentations from other countries. No one was amused when I remarked that I hadn't realized everyone was a Native American. I could have sworn my mentee was Puerto Rican and Irish.
In the interest of my peace of mind and still wishing to be a positive influence in this girl's life I just let go of all the nonsense. I delivered my stats on time and ignored the rest. I read about children in crisis and developed my own skill set. We had been together for over a year when I hurt my leg and back this past November. Working 2 jobs had already cut in to our time together, now it was up to my mentee - we could spend time together at my home. I could rent movies, make dinner, teach her to cook, teach her the computer - we could watch sports but the days of running around amusement parks and bowling alleys were on hold. It saddens me to report that she doesn't call me back. It angers me that the social worker's response was to suggest "ending the match" and assigning me a new kid. And could we do this before the "next funding cycle"
All these "inner spiders" later. Had I listened to them I would have waited for an organization that has the same goals as I do. An organization that reflects my philosophy and values.
I'm also left in a limbo of my own creation. I was so overworked and overwhelmed with 2 jobs and my health concerns that I just never returned the social worker's calls or e-mails. Now - over two months later it seems too late to even try a conversation with someone I could never communicate with. If I don't though I'll always feel like I let my mentee down. I think we were both victims of a bad charity. Hopefully my spiders will talk to me soon. I don't think I can leave the situation as is.
On a closely related subject - check out Gavin de Becker - I've linked his bio. By some ironic twist of random karma he was on Oprah's show today just as I was finishing this post. I've seen him interviewed a few times - I'm impressed with how calm and knowledgeable he is, especially when it comes to women protecting themselves by trusting their "inner spiders". He also has some interesting and comforting things to say about the real threat of terrorism to our national psyche.
Gavin de Becker
I always regret not listening to my "inner spider" - I've dated real jerks even when I felt from moment one that I should walk away, I've taken on horrid clients not worth the paper their checks are written on when the first e-mail they sent me screamed stay away from this lunatic, I've spent too much money on important purchases all the while telling myself not to trust the salesperson. The saving grace is that I usually trust myself sooner rather than later. I tell the jerk not to call again, I turn down the second project from the crazy client, I keep all receipts and return the crappy product.
It is rare for me to consistently ignore my "inner spider". I'm always sorry when I do ...
While on the waiting list with Big Brothers/Big Sisters I responded to an ad run by a similar agency. Big Sisters had approved me but there were no girls waiting at the moment - the boys waiting for Big Brothers outnumber the girls 3 to 1. Sad statistic since there are more female volunteers than male. The agency running the ad is part of a huge religious organization and although the ad clearly stated that the charity was secular I had my doubts (spider sense 1 ignored). I was anxious to be a mentor so I signed up and, after background checks and interviews, I was approved.
I had my assignment interview with the social worker in charge of the program. She was abrupt and glib and I disliked her instantly. (spider 2 ignored) - I told myself that social work was difficult, surely she was overworked and would be easier to deal with once we knew each other.
Right before meeting my mentee I attended a training session - all the other mentors were from the church right across the parking lot from the office, they were all bitchin' and moanin' about "their kids" and I stopped counting the politically incorrect remarks - (spiders 3 - 5 ignored). The training itself was disorganized. The keynote speaker was a hack lawyer from the church who sounded more like an insurance salesman than a social worker and the program director took abrupt straight into rude. (spiders 6 - 8 ignored)
I told myself it was the kids that mattered and arranged to meet my mentee. She is the oldest of 4 children (as I am) - she is often used as surrogate Mom (as I was) and she needs an adult to have some fun with and get some guidance from (as I did). Things were looking up.
Before meeting my mentee the program director who is also her social worker told me that my mentee never did any fun things - her greatest wish was to go to the local amusement park. She had no outlets - she was bright and needed some stimuli. Things were really looking up.
The girl I met was sullen, she did not seem at all interested in having a mentor. She appeared angry at the match (as they call it) and was very resistant to making plans. She was also 12 and from a struggling, dysfunctional family. I remembered my 12 year old self and thought I understood. Over the course of many weekly get-togethers I discovered she only enjoyed sports - all the interests I had listed on my lengthy application were "stupid", "boring", "a waste of time" to her. Sports had been one of my lowest rated interests on the application. I'm 50+ with a bad back - bowling sends me into traction. (spider 9 ignored). I thought that with some persistence and patience I could open her mind a bit. And I could enlist the help of my son and his wife for the physical stuff.
We plodded on - spending days at the dreamed of amusement park, buying T-shirts, CDs, DVDs - weeks go by and I start to realize I'm a glorified ATM machine. I also discover that she has been to the amusement park dozens of times, she's also been on a cruise and is a member of several organized (and expensive) sports teams. I try to discuss this with my mentee to the typical deaf ears of a teen so I ask her social worker for help with managing financial expectations and for advice on how to establish better common ground. I am shocked when my mentee tells me that the social worker admonished her to "stop expecting Dianne to spend $100 every weekend" - (spider 10 ignored). Clearly none of my conversation was truly absorbed. While attempting to sort out this miscommunication with the social worker from hell I am lectured on not sending in my stats on time (stats = funding). (spider 11)
I've lost count of how many of my "inner spiders" were ignored during the organization's community events. Let's just round up to 30. The picnic where I offered to clean up and was told no thanks, only to hear later that I thought I was better than the others by leaving while there was still trash to collect. The Christmas party where I was told to mind my own business when I questioned why another mentor was punishing his mentee for a silly infraction. We have been trained to not be parents and to not punish - especially for something as silly as playing with the front door - during a party! I was told that mentor was "a long time deacon in the church" (oh "we're a secular group" spider, why didn't I listen!?) and that his "standing with us isn't questioned" - Oh and I learned he donates a ton of money and equipment. The last event I tried to be part of was the "Cultural Luncheon" - our written instructions were to pick an aspect of our mentee's heritage and cook a dish and make a little presentation. Imagine how I felt when most of the mentors decided on hot dogs or cookies. No costumes - no handouts - nothing from the instructions. Me and my mentee were like science geeks, history dorks. And she had been so resistant to the exercise to begin with. She absolutely gloated when her brother's mentor told me their heritage was "American" so they hadn't bothered with foods or presentations from other countries. No one was amused when I remarked that I hadn't realized everyone was a Native American. I could have sworn my mentee was Puerto Rican and Irish.
In the interest of my peace of mind and still wishing to be a positive influence in this girl's life I just let go of all the nonsense. I delivered my stats on time and ignored the rest. I read about children in crisis and developed my own skill set. We had been together for over a year when I hurt my leg and back this past November. Working 2 jobs had already cut in to our time together, now it was up to my mentee - we could spend time together at my home. I could rent movies, make dinner, teach her to cook, teach her the computer - we could watch sports but the days of running around amusement parks and bowling alleys were on hold. It saddens me to report that she doesn't call me back. It angers me that the social worker's response was to suggest "ending the match" and assigning me a new kid. And could we do this before the "next funding cycle"
All these "inner spiders" later. Had I listened to them I would have waited for an organization that has the same goals as I do. An organization that reflects my philosophy and values.
I'm also left in a limbo of my own creation. I was so overworked and overwhelmed with 2 jobs and my health concerns that I just never returned the social worker's calls or e-mails. Now - over two months later it seems too late to even try a conversation with someone I could never communicate with. If I don't though I'll always feel like I let my mentee down. I think we were both victims of a bad charity. Hopefully my spiders will talk to me soon. I don't think I can leave the situation as is.
On a closely related subject - check out Gavin de Becker - I've linked his bio. By some ironic twist of random karma he was on Oprah's show today just as I was finishing this post. I've seen him interviewed a few times - I'm impressed with how calm and knowledgeable he is, especially when it comes to women protecting themselves by trusting their "inner spiders". He also has some interesting and comforting things to say about the real threat of terrorism to our national psyche.
Gavin de Becker
