Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I Wonder About Me ... and you will too


It is Heads or Tails Tuesday. If you want to see more entries or join in check out Skittle’s Place

Heads was Wonder, Tails was Wander

I chose to do (give?) Heads

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“… A mind is a terrible thing … and it must be stopped … in our lifetime”

That’s a small piece from one of the best comedy spots I have ever seen. The comic presents himself as a ‘one shot to the head too many’ football player and just wonders out loud.

This comic’s name escapes me – my brother has his entire act on an old VHS tape. I wonder why little bro was so upset when I asked him to find the tape, hook up the old VCR, and tell me the guy’s name. So what if it’s 5 AM!? I need to know! I took care of you – you little prick – I wonder if we’re still having Easter at his house …

I wonder how huge the stress tumor I’m developing in my head will get before it explodes. Perhaps if I stop wondering about important stuff, if I stop wondering about decisions I need to make … Maybe I should wonder about wonderful things? Flowers and birds and pretty colors … Happy songs and sunshine and little children laughing …

I wonder if I can make it to the toilet before I throw-up …

I wonder if maybe I should look at some of the stuff I’m wondering about. Just face them head on and wonder them to death …

There’s my dying car. I wonder how many times you can call AAA in a 7 day period before they block your number. I wonder if I can afford a down payment. I wonder how crappy a car I can live with for the monthly payment I can afford.

Maybe I can work 3 jobs again. I wonder how much stamina I’ve lost over the years. I wonder if there’s an easier way to make extra money. Diablo Cody (wrote Juno) speaks lovingly of her days as a stripper. I wonder how much they would pay me to put my clothes back on. I wonder if there’s a niche for that – exotic nauseator?

I wonder why I sweat the small stuff. Even after reading all those books that told me not to. I wonder where those books are. Could I get money for them?

What else do I have that I could sell? I wonder why I never figured out E-Bay. I do have those ridiculously expensive wine glasses. I wonder why I never drink from them. How much would they be worth? They’re beautiful – even with those smudges where I couldn’t get the stickers off.

I wonder why manufacturers and retailers put those stickers on. Why do they hate us? I wonder what we did. Maybe I didn’t soak long enough in water that was hot enough. Maybe it would have worked if I had waited until after my expensive manicure to start furiously scraping with my lovely claws. I wonder why things work best for me when I fix one thing by ruining another.

I wonder where my books about self fulfilling prophecy went. I can’t remember if I read them. I wonder – if I read the memory improvement quiz will I remember where they are?

Kelly Ripa’s voice makes me want to kill her. I wonder why I have the TV on. And what is it about me that I need to have ABC on now just so I’ll remember to watch Oprah 7 hours from now. I can turn it off. I wonder if I’ll get more work done in the quiet.

I wonder what that sound is coming from the furnace. If we need a new furnace how will that impact getting a new car? I wonder how cold it really will be from now til Spring. Is it possible that sound is getting louder!? I wonder if mechanical screams are ever a good thing.

Wow – Kelly Ripa is still talking.

I wonder where my CD of “It’s a Wonderful World” is. Will I believe it if I say it to myself?

I wonder if I can take another 50mg of Zoloft this early in the day.

30 comments:

cathy said...

"That’s a small piece from one of the best comedy spots I have ever seen. The comic presents himself as a ‘one shot to the head too many’ football player and just wonders out loud."

i totally remember that guy! saw him on tv ages ago. oddly enough i was in somerset NJ at the time. sadly though i can't remember his name and google was no help at all. "to waste" is apparently understood.

Odat said...

I wonder about you! ;-)

Peace

Raven said...

Magnificent! I laughed repeatedly and I can think of no higher compliment. I have to say that while I was reading it, I wondered if we aren't twins who were separated at birth... I wonder...

Great job, thanks for the smiles and giggles.

Skittles said...

I think it was Bob Nelson.. I recorded his HBO special years ago and it was hilarious!

You certainly have a lot to wonder about. I love how you mention them with a (fantastic) sense of humor though. Hold onto that. It gets us through some rough spots. :)

Kelly Rippa. Ick.

Misty Dawn said...

You have a great sense of humor! Hmmmm, stress tends to take control of me too.

Thank you for making me laugh.

Dianne said...

cathy - skittles thinks it's Bob Nelson and I think she may be right! still waiting for little bro to forgive me and find the tape.

I need all the wondering people can give me Odat - thanks!

raven - there is no higher compliment, thank you!!

skittles - I'm going to google Nelson - I think you're right! the days I can't laugh at myself are the days I worry (truly wonder) about ;)

Dianne said...

you're welcome misty dawn. as long as my stress tumor doesn't explode it's a good day ;)

Jay said...

Yeah, the comedian's name was Bob Nelson. He was funny. He also did this dumb boxer routine "My name is ... Jeff .. Jeff .. JEFF! What, what WHAT?" hahaha

That's a lot of wondering going on this morning. Maybe you should take a break. ;-)

Leighann said...

The small things always bother me too. I've taken to telling myself....

Don't sweat the petty and don't pet the sweaty! *giggle*

Kelly Ripa *gag*

CG said...

I wonder how many times I laughed reading this!!!

kenju said...

We surely do agree about Kelly Ripa! She is a blabbermouth too!

Dianne said...

thanks for confirming the comics name Jay! You've kept me from killing my brother ;)

leighann - you need to start making T-shirts out of all your sayings - I'd buy them

I wonder why I love your comments CG

I just wanna snap her scrawny neck kenju! is that wrong?

R.E.H. said...

I can't figure out why they put those darn stickers on glass either... they just won't come off will they?

That's a lot of stuff you wonder about. Good luck with the new car and all.

Andrée said...

Wonderful writing. Made me laugh. Made me sad. I hope Easter goes as planned. My HoT is here. Thank you.

Laane said...

Great post!

And the last sentence...LOL!

You can find my heads or tails ::here::

Have a wonderful day!

Natalie said...

Man...your mind is wandering all over the place today. Mine does that too.

Tammy said...

You're hilarious!!! I love it!!!

Dianne said...

It is a lot of stuff REH LOL
I hope this car lasts til the new car is a reality! It's like being held hostage around here w/out a car.

my brother should forgive me by Easter andree! and don't be sad, get mad like I do :)

thanks laane - I never did take another one!!

natalie - I drive myself nutty, thanks for stopping by

you too tammy, glad it made you laugh.

tumblewords said...

You are a hoot! Well, at least your writing is! I recognize those feelings and I wonder why we have them??? Love this post!!

Michael Manning said...

Dianne: First, thank you for the tremendous generosity of your supportiveness over at my Blog leading up to and after The NPF Gala. You are very kind.

Your Blog Post reminds me of a sign Jodie Foster's mother placed on their refrigerator door as she grew up. It read: "This Too Shall Pass" and I feel all things will get ironed out. AAA is a blessing, I know! :)

Dianne said...

I'm often described as a hoot and I love it. thanks tumblewords

ain't no big thing Michael ;) - you make it easy to be supportive and kind.

I fear the only thing that's going to pass right now is the car but I'll just keep on keepin' on.

Minnesotablue said...

You give me a wonderful gift. Laughter!

Dianne said...

minnesotablue - what a perfect thing to say, thank you so much.

bundle-o-contradictions said...

Sounds an awful lot like what happens in my head! I wish you a peaceful moment. :)

Dianne said...

ahhh thank you bundle-o ;)

lisa said...

I haven't stopped by for a while (life has been. . .daily) but this post was fantastic as usual, Dianne! So, has AAA blocked your number yet? As long as AA doesn't, you should be okay. ;-)

I hope your car, and your furnace, hold out. . .

fermicat said...

Ugh, that is a lot of un-wonder-ful stuff you have going on. But you described them in a wonderfully funny way.

Shelly said...

lol. Hubby came home today and asked if I had called the furnace repairman or the auto shop...I said "nope, waiting to see which one kicks the bucket first". He said "okay" and laughed at me.

tt said...

just stopped by for a quick sec to see if I could start my day with a giggle or two and ..viola'!! I got tons of giggles. I love it when I sit and giggle...all by myself....mmmm......wonder what that means..
thanks!

Dianne said...

Oh yes Lisa, the dailyness of life LOL
You've given me an idea - perhaps AAA should have meetings - "Hi I'm Dianne and I have a 95 ton of aged parts" - "Hi Dianne"

fermicat - you gotta find the wonder in the un-wonder-ful :)

shelly - I like your style, that's the way to do it - makes these mechanical bastards beg for help.

tt - think it means you have a wonderful sense of humor ;)