Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Heads or Tails: Anything Green

This week’s HoT is anything green. To join in or to see what other green stuff is lurking in the blogger world check out Skittle’s Place

My sweet little old lady, my VW Jetta is green.

She has been with me since 1995 and has been a good girl until recently.

Menopause is hitting this bitch hard!

She has become the “Lucifer” that inspired this past Saturday’s Wordzzle entry.

In the past 4 weeks she has been boosted twice – battery is brand new but some other thingie attached to the whozit malfunctioned and drained the battery. A battery boost from AAA is like a quickie with a stranger, it’s all fun and games until you stop – then nobody knows what to do or say.

“Lucifer” has taken a ride on a flatbed. Oh how she loved that – I could see it in her grill, she’s tired and wants to know why she can’t ride all the time. She’s been carrying me for 13 lucky years – when is it her turn.

She has also lost the clips that attach the plastic thing to the foam thing that is NOT supposed to be grating against the wheel well.

Last but not least her headlights went out but it wasn’t the bulb – OH NO – heaven forbid it be a $10 bulb! It was the wire that I believe is attached to every other electronic thing in the dashboard, cause once the headlights went back on the dashboard died. I can see where I’m going I just can’t tell how fast I’m getting there.

The alarm system may or may not engage, the back windows must NOT be lowered – they will not rise again. At least she left me my window although it can’t go all the way down, just ¾ of the way. The intermittent wipers take themselves literally; sometimes they wipe, most times they don’t. They are particularly sensitive to rain. The trunk won’t open from the outside but the trunk release button inside Lucifer often sticks, this wasn’t a big deal until the night the back tire exploded. It took two highway patrol officers and the AAA guy 10 minutes to get the spare tire out.

I travel into Manhattan a lot – the list of Dos/Don’ts/Cautions that I leave with the parking attendants is a work of art. Too bad they can’t read it and I haven’t been able to have it translated into 17 languages.

And here’s Lucifer’s interior -

I know it’s not green but I thought you might like to see where I spend a lot of my time, usually in the rain or in the middle of the night, my nose pressed against the window like a dog waiting for Mommy to come out of the supermarket. Muttering to myself – “Is that AAA!?, Is that AAA!? “ only to realize it’s still not AAA and the guy walking towards me looks a lot like a serial killer.

If only the doors locked.


Ramblings of a Villas Girl said...

Hi Dianne! I know I shouldn't have, but I laughed so hard through your whole entry I had tear in my eyes. Especially the part about the flatbed.

How's little Mia doing? Is she feeling better and letting Siren know who the boss is?

Have a good night. Lisa

Jo said...

Oh, poor car, she does sound menopausal. And poor you! Like Lisa, I feel guilty for laughing through the post.

I expect as I get older all sorts of things will fall off & fizzle as my wiring gets wonky. I have decided I will use duct tape, which I hope will come in Jo-color by the time I need it.

Car trouble turns me into a complete lunatic. I have been known to talk to them, plead with them, then call them an asshole when they give me the silent treatment.

Misty Dawn said...

This sounds terrible in the needing a reliable car sense, but the way you write it is absolutely entertaining and hilarious!

Laane said...

Awww, she's so nice. I feel pity for her. LOL!

My "green" is up too ::here::

Enjoy your day!

Dianne said...

lisa - laugh away, that was my intention! Mia is doing so much better but has not been face to face with Siren yet until she is stronger.

jo - this a guilt free zone, laugh!
I use the duct tape line all the time. I would only go to the ER if the duct tape didn't work

misty - it is a bit frazzling on the nerves to never know for sure if you can get from point A to point B - but it is hilarious to me that all this happened in such a short span of time.

laane - she's been my buddy for 13 years, I feel pity for her too!

Dianne said...

laane - one more thing - I loved your poem, but couldn't figure out how to comment as me, so I'm the #2 anon in your comment section :)

Skittles said...

Oh my lord! I was laughing so hard reading this that hubby stepped out of the bathroom, where he was getting ready to take a shower, to ask me what was so funny!!!

How wonderful it would be if we all had your terrific sense of humor. :)

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I had a Corvair back in the day and your poor car sounds very similar. I think we had more fun pushing her than driving her.

Menopause hits us all one day. TG for duct tape and AAA.

Mike said...

I was in the shower when Skittles was laughing so hard (I'm Skittles hubby by the way). It's funny (or not) how cars can seem to wear out many things all at once. I hope you get your car problems resolved soon. Your post is well written.

SnoopMurph said...

Hi Lucifer-what a handsome green car, however temperamental.

Such a funny entry...I enjoyed it!

Raven said...

I just love the green type... wish I had thought of that.

Lucifer looks too sweet to be a Lucifer. This is so wonderful and witty. Loved it. There are too many funny lines to cite them all, but I did love the idea of her wanting to ride all the time. Cars do have personality, don't they?

Thanks for a splendid green laugh.

Jeni said...

You've done your usual terrific job of making me snicker and then, chuckle and laugh out loud at the little quirky things that can happen with our babies - those cars! Loved it!

Dianne said...

skittles - thanks so much!! laughter is so good for the soul.

Dianne said...

byrningbunny - I haven't had to push her yet, that would be a sight! and yes - TG for duct tape and AAA - what more does a girl need. Your blog is a work of art, I just came back from there, what a great way to start my day.

mike - so great to meet ya, sorry I interrupted your shower! LOL

snoopmurph - thanks! she is a pretty girl, it will be awful when I finally have to replace her - she is a bit like an old friend.

raven - perhaps I should buy a flatbed and just drive that with sweet Lucifer on the back :)
as always raven, thanks for all the kind words.

jeni - just like all the other babies we care for these cars don't always behave. thanks jeni.

Minnesotablue said...

When she finally conks out put her in your own private museum and remember all the great years she has given you! You are hilarious!

Lisa said...

definitely sounds like it's time to put the decrepit thing to rest! ;)
she's old and tired and trying to tell you something. Besides, I don't need to check on you daily to make sure you're posting and not lying in the woods, covered with brush, waiting for the dogs to sniff you out...

okay, so that was the overprotective-mom-get-them-to-do-
what-I-think-they-should-do-guilt trip mode.

Dianne said...

minnesotablue - it occurred to me that I could use the car as more places to keep cats separate from each other :) Lord help us if they learn to drive.

Lisa - "okay, so that was the overprotective-mom-get-them-to-do-
what-I-think-they-should-do-guilt trip mode." You ARE a master at this :) - I've been doing some research on new cars, see what I can afford - so far it appears I can possibly swing a good pair of walking shoes.

Leighann said...

You have such a nack for writting!

I'll admit to laughing throughout this post as well. Some of the laughter was because I was genuinly amused, and some of it was "I can so relate"!

tt said...

ya know...whenever I'm in needof a laugh i go to your blog first! And as usual, you never let me down. :) I never thought of comparing my car's antics to menopausal symptoms...but how appropriate! I'm driving a toddler right now, but my sweet old lady and her younger brother are waiting anxiously in the driveway...hoping for a quickie ride to the grocery store...one day....
You crack me up.

CG said...

As usual I adore your writing. So funny, so true!!!

Dianne said...

leighann - thanks!

tt - high praise indeed, thanks so much!

cg - true is usually the funniest, isn't it! :)

Sleepypete said...

Lucifer sounds like my Buggy - my second car :-) (Vauxhall Astra mk1 that I had through uni). Bits kept dropping off it and it had a beard made out of rust but it still kept going for me ... Kinda.

The steering wheel lock I had for it got pressed into service as a starting assist ... The starter would jam and out I'd jump with my steering lock to give it a damn fine pokin' :-) That worked for a while too ... Plus when I rebuilt it (aka took it apart to see how it worked knowing I had a new one from the scrappy before going "oh bugger - I've broke the new one!"), the rebuild lasted longer than the car.

Hopefully your Lucifer won't meet the same end as my Buggy did ... The Buggy died in a pillar of flame about 6 weeks after we passed it on to the next owner. He was doing some welding on it in his garage and had a window open. Sparks flew, smoke rose and fella nearly got evicted after burning his garage down. (No-one got hurt!)

It didn't owe us anything and paid us back by giving us a comical tale to tell of its flaming demise :-)

PS Giving that starter a damn good poking was rather satisfying amid the frustration of the car not going :-)

bobbie said...

You take it into Manhattan!!? You are so brave. I lived on Long Island for 21 years and never drove into Manhattan. Shows you what a coward I am. But it sure made for funny reading!! Some day I'll write a blog on what I think of AAA - when I get to the point where I can laugh about it.

Dianne said...

what a story sleepypete! - I'd poke Lucifer but I'm afraid she'd just disintegrate - she runs on spit and a prayer as my Mom used to say ;)

bobbie - I used to drive into Manhattan every day when I worked there - my job gave me a parking spot as part of compensation for working long hours, so I got used to it real quick. even now it doesn't bother me - it's like being in a video game. I am ashamed to admit that I enjoy cutting off taxis!

Law Student Hot Mama said...

When I was in high school, my friend had this car we called Greased Lightening . . it was a total piece of crap. It had no shocks and he actually drove 200 miles hearing meowing the whole way before he finally discovered that there was a kitten who had crawled into a hole in the DOOR of the car and was living in it. He kept the cat, and called it Cleytus. When it finally died, it left this big scorch earth fire in his front lawn, drove 3 feet, shut off, and never drove again.

Those old cars are the best!

Loretta said...

you wrote...

"A battery boost from AAA is like a quickie with a stranger, it’s all fun and games until you stop – then nobody knows what to do or say".

I had just took a drink of Diet Coke, and spit it all over!! I love it, you made my night.


Dianne said...

law student hot mama - I hope "Lucifer" goes out in a blaze of glory! Just hope I'm not in her when it happens. My dream would be for her to go beserk at the mechanic's shop - not hurt anyone but scare the crap out of them.

thanks loretta! - your comment made my morning!