Saturday, April 12, 2008


I didn’t think I was going to make it. I thought I’d need to invent ‘Wordless Wordzzle’ and it stressed me out imagining what that would be like but I did it. I must, once again, thank Raven for inventing Wordzzle. It truly relaxes me and makes me feel creative. I was in a pissy mood.

The store sucks the big one (as my niece likes to say) and it’s raining and humid and the AC in the store isn’t working. You haven’t lived until you have a hot flash in the middle of the checkout island with 4 customers around you and the heat from the register blowing right in your face. A little boy asked me if I was OK – “lady your face is very red and very white at the same time”. His Mother wanted to know if I could go to the stock room and get the Windbreaker in an XL in Pale Mint.

Last night, while driving home in pea soup fog, I was pushed off the road by a speeding car that was riding ON the yellow line. I looked into my rearview and saw him coming straight at me. Luckily I was alert and the shoulder was wide. I sat there for a few minutes shaking and chanting “Motherf’er, Motherf’er” to myself. I went to turn the radio on to get some calming music only to realize it’s still in “safe mode” from the last time the car was operated on. So I drove the rest of the way home singing at the top of my lungs – “F**k em all, F**k em all, the long and the short and tall. F**k every blonde one and every brunette, some we remember but most we forget. F**k em ALL”.

I know that doesn’t qualify as the Sun Dance I promised Jeni for her Autism Walk/Run but if that didn’t make God smile well I just don’t know what more she expects. (God that is, not Jeni).

But enough of me, I’m so sick of me. On to this week’s Wordzzle.

Ten Word Challenge: galaxy, delta, redecorate, dearth, offshoot, Uthar Pendragon, cordial, gingerbread, foretold, bonnet

Uthar Pendragron slipped into his secret chamber and finally relaxed for the first time in days. He put on his favorite bonnet, the one that made him feel pretty and sipped a spot of blueberry cordial while munching on the gingerbread soldiers he had baked the last time he’d been able to escape the dearth of gentility that was his everyday life. He knew he needed this time to be himself. He’d been having odd dreams that he believed foretold of a wondrous time to come. In these dreams he saw shiny flying machines with unfamiliar lettering on them; American, Delta, Southwest. He believed these machines to be vessels come to take him to another galaxy, a place where he’d be accepted for who he truly was, a place where he could let go of the battles that surrounded him. Uthar always awoke from these dreams feeling both uncomfortable and exhilarated. Part of him believed the visions were nothing more than the offshoot of his dissatisfaction with his current situation but a small part of him believed they were messages, a tutorial perhaps , on how he could and should redecorate his existence. For now, in the safety of his sanctuary, he would cling to believing in all possibilities.

And the Mini Challenge: palliate, functionality, jungle, brass, asphyxiate

Sydney struck up the brass band in her head as she headed out once more to make her way through the jungle. She cursed the reduced functionality of her MP3 player as she struggled through vines that gripped at her, threatening to entangle her throat and asphyxiate her. Music was the one thing that helped palliate the terror of being lost.

I'll be along eventually to read everyone's paragraphs. But first I think I need a nap.


tt said...

How DO you do it?? I love that you used Uthar as a name...and he 'slipped into his secret chamber"...LOVED that part. Where do you get these ideas? Do they just pop into your head after you read the words? amazing.
Hot flashes...lawdie girl! I finally waved the red flag and gave up and went on HRT. No history of Breast cancer in my family so I'm hopeful I won't have those issues to deal with. I just couldn't deal with all the crap that went along with moods( read: grouch),lack of sleep, the sauna following me everywhere....the emotions..oy!!!
the weight gain sucks but it's a trade off. I'd rather be fluffy than grouchy. :)
Oh....loved your song! that cracked me up!F**kem ALL...
Get some good rest!

Raven said...

Brilliant as always!

Sorry that you have had such a rough couple of days and glad that you lived through your adventures. I'm sure God laughed. It is impossible for God not to have a sense of humor and you are very funny. I'll bet God check in on you blog every day just to cheer him up form his more failed creations like GWB.

Sparkling Red said...

Aw man, no wonder you were in a bad mood. Crappy drivers are the worst. My aunt got shoved off the road by a big truck recently - she was physically OK but the side of her car was squished. Scary.

Betty said...

Loved your stories. Sorry you had such a bad day.

Jeni said...

OH Dianne! What did I do before you and your blog came into my life? Your little ditty apparently worked wonders in warding off the rain because it is now 7:45 p.m. and it hasn't come around here yet! The day was perfect -weather was just right. Maybe you can go into a sideline business of singing and chanting up special weather requests?
Thanks a bundle for EVERYTHING you've done to help us make this such a great event today!
You're fantastic and that's no bull!

elena jane said...

ugh, sorry about your day...and the yellow line driver...omg!!
and ya gotta love a man who can relax in a bonnet and drink blueberry cordial....awesome!! :)

Lisa said...

you've had a rough time. i don't envy you having to work in a big discount chain AT ALL! hopefully you'll have a nice weather day very soon and it'll be your day off to play and lounge around...

the world is full of crazy sunsabitches. i hope some of them leave you alone soon!

Jo said...

I enjoyed your story so much, this is one of my all-time favorites--Pendragon in a binky bonnet LOL! I love it!

Your song killed me--were you rapping it? I'm guessing you didn't strangle the lady with the mint windbreaker...but you imagined it, right? Hope you get some good rest, Sweetpea :)

the walking man said...

Heya Dianne running late myself this morning it's already 0630 and here I come to find that you speak the d*licate version of motherfucker. Assholes like that I am tempted to turn around and stop them to teach them some motherfucker. That's the kind of fucked up driving that put my body where it is.

Now this story, liked it for some reason I thought it was going to turn out he was gay at the end, but I guess that would have been my ending and not a good fit with your beginning.

But I liked the little flash immensely, lost with a MP3 player as a guide. Too bad it doesn't have solar cells with the right music you're never lost.



Ramblings of a Villas Girl said...

Hello Dianne! I look forward to your Wordzzle every week. As alway, good job. Lisa

Akelamalu said...

Fantastic job on the wordzzles Dianne, as always.

Oh the hot flashes - they're the pits aren't they!

I chuckled to myself as I imagined you driving along singing F**k 'em all :)

SnoopMurph said...

Wow, I love the Wordzzles-"redecorate his existence"-my favorite line. I also didn't think of using Delta as the airline-very cool.

Hope you have a less stressful Sunday-you deserve it!

Jay said...

Love the Wordzzle stories. I need a secret chamber to hide in too. That would be nice. I don't know why, but I do need one. LOL

We have a grocery store here that only opens the air vents that blow on the food isles. So it's always hot standing in line up front and the girls running the registers are never in a good mood during the summertime.

Shelly said...

If I could invite anyone in blogland for dinner you and Uthar would be the first guests. We could talk and laugh about all of the crazy crap we do while we're flashing and Uthar would laugh right along with us.

Dianne said...

tt - something strikes me about one or two of the words and it just kinda flows from there. thanks for all the kind words.

raven - 'W' as one of God's failed creations. LOL

sparkling red - I don't think he ever saw me, he never slowed down and he never moved over. If there had been no shoulder it would have been a whole different story. Glad you aunt was OK!

thanks Betty, loved your stories too

Dianne said...

jeni - Yay!!!! I kept thinking of all of you and hoping the gunk we were dealing with would just stay here. I'll be over to read all about it.

elena jane - it all turned out OK and now that I've rested a bit it seems less ominous. this time yesterday I was so overwhelmed. I love a man in a bonnett ;)

mark - sorry about the bad memories my MF driver conjured up! I can't decide if he was drunk or lost or if the fog freaked him out. I never caught up to him but I did call the township police and tell them which way he was headed and I did pass 2 patrol cars as I made my way home.
I don't know if Uther is gay or just likes to wear bonnets to calm down. He hasn't come out to me yet ;)

Dianne said...

oops I'm going out of order OY!

lisa - today was a much better day and an easier shift. Maybe the fog was freaking them all out.

jo - I love my bonnie Uther! I may write about him again. The Mom was saved because her son was such a sweetie. He kept asking me if I was OK. The melody to my song is fashioned from an old WWII song - 'Bless Them All' - I can't rap although I do come out with some hip hop crap that makes anyone under 25 think I'm suffering from dementia.

thank you lisa - rambling lisa - so many lisa's in my life and they all are wonderful!

akleamalu - the hot flashes are astounding! I guess I need to change up the herbs I take, this happens from time to time. I can think of one herb I'd love to take!

thanks snoopmurph - it has been a much better day! hope you're feeling better too :)

jay - remember I wrote about that little spot under my basement stairs, closest I have to a secret chamber. it figures the store would care more about the food than the staff. it's hard to be perky when you're spritzing ;)

thanks shelly! that would be fun and I bet Uthar would be a fine companion. Maybe he'd even let us wear his bonnet, certainly he'd bake for us :)

Michael Manning said...

dianne: Nap away and when you get a moment, the dealership will have the code to get your radio started. My battery died and the dealership guy was cool in the Service Department to get my radio going! :) Hope things get easier.

Lu' said...

Dianne I enjoyed your writing. I liked the longer story best for the visual you painted.

Odat said...

Fantastic! You do these sooo well.

Oh...and the hot flashes...yup....had them at my retirement party!! lol.
People were freezing from the A/C and there I was, sweating....aren't they wonderful?


Dianne said...

thanks michael!

lu - I like the longer story best too :) thanks so much.

odat - oh they're wonderful alright LOL - especially this time of year, I never know if it's really warmer out or if it's just me.

Rich said...

Hey Diane, Thanks for dropping by on Saturday. I thought you should know that my wife just started a job at the big-ass store in our area.

The other wierd and deja-vooey thing is your poem. Some time ago I composed a very similar little ditty about some bosses I was unhappy with. Sing along if you like.

F*ck em fast and F*ck em slow, F*ck em high and F*ck em low, F*ck em now and F*ck em then, if this sh*t keeps up; well F*ck em all again.

Gosh, I don't know but could you be my long lost sister?


Leighann said...

I loved the song you sang and am totally going to jack it the next time I'm pissed off :)

Great stories, I'm loving Wordzzle Day!

the teach said...

Dianne, great creative combination of words! Love the Mini one...will you continue it? :D

Dianne said...

rich - if your wife needs any advice or a place to vent about the big-assedness of big-ass retail please do tell her to e-mail me.
and I love the thought of being your long lost sister, let's go with that :)

leighann - so when are you going to try Wordzzle? You're a great writer and I know you don't post on weekends in order to have time to beat - uh - love your children BUT - you could post Friday night.
and the song is yours any time you need it, I'm honored! ;)

teach - thanks. I tried to continue my story about the girl and the flute player from a couple of weeks ago and it didn't happen for me. I don't know about girl lost in jungle either. sometimes whatever I felt like telling is all I've got.

R.E.H. said...

No, Dianne - these stories did NOT suck at all - not one little bit even. They were great!

BTW - I think I did invent the wordless Wordzzle... I just haven't been up to speed with my blogging this week...

TheBirdman33 said...

I already knew you were in NJ but even if I didn't that story about the guy pusing you off the road would have been a pretty big tip off lol

Thanks for stopping by my place!

Dianne said...

REH - you're around! there are lots of folks missing you over in your comments section. Life comes first, hope good things are happening and I'm glad you liked the stories :)

hey birdman33 - gotta love NJ, home of road rage :)

Adaora A. said...

Wow. Road rage at its worst. People just don't know how to respect others as much anymore.

I really like your blog.

Dianne said...

hi adaora a - thanks for the visit and the kind words. I checked out your blog, love the song that was playing. Need to get off to work but I'll be back.

Newt said...

Pendragon in a bonnet. Ha ha ha, that was fantastic imagery all the way through. Nice job!

The last time someone did that to me we saw his car flipped over about 3 miles up the road. Apparently his 80 miles an hour didn't handle the 25 mph curve. We shrugged it off as Karma. He was ok. And thankfully didn't involve anyone else in his stupidity.

bobbie said...

Great writing, as always. I love to read these.

Check it out, Dianne. I gave you an award today.

magnetbabe said...

I just loved your deliciously vulgar car song! You rock my blog world!

Jo said...

Where are you at, Crazy Lady? I know you're working hard...but I miss you.

Dianne said...

newt - thanks so much for loving the imagery! I really worked on that. Glad those fools were OK, wonder if it taught them a lesson?

bobbie - thank you! thank you!
as you can see from the post above, you pulled me out of my cloud.

Feeling is mutual magnetbabe! Dr. Aunt Magnetbabe.

Miss you too jo! I'm spinning so many plates in the air. I'm a one woman freak show - again, still.