Monday, September 22, 2008

Take This Cast and Shove It

I have several awards sitting in my in-box that I MUST say thank you for.

I have a post half written that I promised Jood I would do.

And in my brick and mortar life I have bills to pay, mail to open (more bills), crap to do for clients and my house needs to be cleaned.


I really just feel like whining. Or perhaps kicking the crap out of someone with my hard foot. Or both.

It’s been a bit over 2 weeks since the cast went on. I’ve lost track of how long the ankle was hurt before the cast. Funny thing is this wasn’t even the leg that was bothering me.

I am a grateful person. I am a strong person. Relatively speaking, in the course of what others go through, this is nuttin’ honey. Hell it isn’t even in the top 10 of my own life’s most crappy moments.


It takes me freakin’ forever to do anything. I must plan where I will be and surround myself with the things I think I might need. I carry the phone everywhere. My makeshift version of ‘I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up’. Getting from the living room to the kitchen wears me down. The trips to the basement office are like extreme sports.

And once I am wherever I am I often can’t remember what I was going to do there. I sit and stare a lot. I would be rocking back and forth and humming but I’m conserving energy to take a shower.

Ah yes – showers!

Not since Zeigfeld
has there been such a production number. Getting the cast protector on is hilarious. When the nurse showed me how to use it I should have been clued in by the fact that it took her and her assistant 10 minutes to do it! One important hint – don’t do it naked unless you want to render yourself unconscious by being repeatedly smacked in the face with your own large but no so perky anymore breasts. Plus if you collapse from exertion or lose your balance and hit your head on the side of the tub do you really want to be found that way?

I have taken to wearing an evening gown to prepare for my shower. Ya just never know.

The first time I took a cast shower I realized how badly organized my shower is. Too much reaching and turning required. The cast protector box clearly states not to move around a lot, the protector is very slippery. Which makes sense. Why wouldn’t you use slippery material on a device designed solely for people who can’t stand up to begin with.

I do enjoy the few moments of standing under the wonderful spray and washing my hair and smelling all my lovely lotions and potions. Makes me feel less like the Elephant Man’s Ugly Older Sister.

Alas all good things must come to an end. Disembarking from the shower is much like preparing for the shower except you’re wet. It is critical that the cast protector – now soaking wet with tiny rivers running through its crevices – come off while maintaining the dry integrity of the cast. I work up such a sweat getting out of the shower that well – I need a shower.

And don’t get me started on my helpers! If I ask for something every single freaking morning well – after days and days of needing the same things and asking for the same assistance why isn’t it just done. Why must every day be the first day of your life? It’s not the first day of mine! I’m ageing like crazy here.

I’m a good patient. I am grateful for every little thing. I do as much, and more, as I can for myself. If I’m up at 9 on Sunday morning and you’re sleeping til 2 well I’ll just muddle along and I’ll even do it quietly.

And I won’t be bitchy or cranky or passive aggressive when you do finally wake up. I hate that crap and I was never that kind of parent. I’m certainly not that kind of MIL which makes me wonder – maybe you do need to be a bitch?

That’s for another post. Or never.

It’s 11AM now and I need to be upstairs by noon so I better head out.

Seriously though – thank you to all who ask how I’m doing. Youse Guys are the best. I see the Dr. again this Friday and hopefully the cast gets replaced by a boot.


Ivanhoe said...

Oh my, Di! I never knew how much pain getting into and out shower is until Mark's car accident.
Wouldn't you be better off to take baths and just swing the cast over the rim. No need to cover it. Just saying... :o)
Hope you get the booth on Friday ;o)

Pagan Sphinx said...

Oh, oh, oh!!! You poor sweet dear woman. Honestly, your situation DOES suck. And there I was whining about slamming my dern fingers in the garage door. That was nothing.

I think wearing an evening gown is a very good idea, as you said, "just in case". Just make sure it matches with that gorgeous purple of your cast. ;-)

You are amazing, my dear. And it's about time that cast started preparing for withdrawal from you leg. Support Dianne, bring back her leg, I say!

Hugs,and thinking of you lots

Mahala said...

Hang in there :) *hugs*

Raven said...

Poor Baby! Oh, I understand how much it stinks. I hate to say this, but you actually kind of cheered me up a little about myself. Sometimes I think I'm just pathetic and feeling sorry for myself but reading your words - and knowing who they are coming from - I know that it really is an exhausting way to live and get around.

I hope you get the boot (in a good way) and more mobility and comfort on Friday. Meanwhile, my standard offer still stands, all you have to do is say yes.

Sending a cyber hug.

Bond said...

Really unfortunate that they could not fit you with one of the new removable casts...allows for bathing without wearing elephant condoms...

It will get easier as you get along...maybe soon they can go to the removable one...


Reb said...

So, do you slide down the stairs on your backside? Carpeted stairs are treacherous just in themselves! To add in a broken foot and a cane (crutches?) is asking for a broken neck!

I know all about people that are born everyday - damn they are frustrating!

Just read your wordzlles, wonderful as always.

Tammy said...

That must be so hard, I'm sorry. I hope you get it off soon, but I LOVE the color of it!!!

Lara said...

wishing you the best :)!

Daryl said...

OY and VEY

On the upside the purple is lovely with your toe nail polish .. flattering colors to your skin tone!

Beyond that I cannot think of a single positive thing to say ...
other than to hope you get that 'boot' sooner than later ....

I promise I didnt even chuckle over your shower issues .. not even a little ..



Mrs. C said...

There has to be an easier way to handle this, but I just don't know what it is. :[

CrystalChick said...

I love the purple!
Gosh, the rest of it sounds really hard, but you seem to manage as best you can despite everything. Hang in there. {{{healingenergy}}}

Dianne said...

ivanhoe - I hope Mark knew how lucky he was to have you. I bet he did. I did try the bath thing but sitting down while trying to keep one foot OUT was more than my old muscles could manage and then I'd still need to wash my hair plus I really love showers

pagan - thanks! I think I'm more comical than amazing but I'll take the compliment anyway.

mahala - sometimes when I'm floundering about doing something I think to myself - how would mahala describe this ;)
hugs to you too

raven - I'm glad you got cheered up. It really is amusing, really it is - it's just absurd! and I wanted to make people laugh, you know me.

bond - I'm hoping what you're hoping :)
and I'll tell ya - in just 2 weeks I have developed amazing upper body strength not to mention how much stronger my left side is. Bet I'd kick ass at a one legged race!

reb - actually going up is the bigger problem. I tried pushing myself up on my ample padded butt but when I get to the very top I can't right myself and turn around. You should have heard the cursing when I first discovered that! ;)
and yes!!!!! frustrating as hell.

tammy - thanks. I love the color too.

lara - thank you! much appreciated.

daryl - I'll see your Oy Vey and raise you ;)
and you know you chuckled!! I'd be so disappointed if you didn't :)

mrs c - as the Mom of all those kids if you can't come up with an ingenious solution then NO ONE can lol
I have discovered many new ways to do things. And on a serious note - I have developed an even stronger empathy and respect for people who have mobility issues that won't eventually get better. I wish more people with short term problems would remember what it was like when they deal with others.

crystalchick - it is very purple isn't it! I am nothing if not fashionable even at my darkest hour LOLOLOL!!!
I really do get a kick out of myself.
thanks Lady!

Leighann said...

You need a buff Swedish stud named Sven to take care of you!!

Farmer*swife said...

I know injury isn't funny. And, neither is your predicament.

Still? Your humor about the whole ordeal kept me chuckling! I love a good chuckle!

Happy Monday!

Jay said...

I hope the visit to the doctor on Friday brings good news too! What a hassle. I would be doing A LOT more whining than you have been doing. LOL

Queen-Size funny bone said...

when my daughter broke her ankle we couldn't get her upstairs to her bedroom so we had to blow up a mattress in the living room and she slept there. the shower thing was ohso much fun.

Jackie said...

Oh I really feel for you Dianne - and hey, if you can't whine on your own blog where can you? Hugs, and hope the cast comes off soon. At least you've managed to keep your toes painted, so you're clearly managing to maintain some standards!

Re your comment on my blog, the Squinty Bridge is our newest bridge across the River Clyde. Officially it's called the Clyde Arc, but NOBODY calls it that - right from the time it was opened a couple of years ago it's been known as the Squinty Bridge. I've never quite figured out why - apparently because it looks "squinty" (Scottish logic there. What "squinty" means is anybody's guess). I'll try and get some new pictures of it, as I've not featured it for a while.

Hilary said...

You're doing a great job by putting your sense of humour to work for you. And thanks for keeping us ummm abreast of your shower antics. ;)

Sending best, healing thoughts your way.

Knight said...

It really scares the crap out of me that you are dragging yourself around the house like that. How can you heal if you keep moving? Don't you know it's okay to sit still for a little while and watch the sky while your bones congeal? I know, it's easier said than done. I'm a mover too. The worry of things not getting done is overpowering. Still, I wish there was something I could do.

Betty said...

And, I whine about a little old back-ache! Hope you can get around better soon.

Kathiesbirds said...

First, let me say I am sorry your hurt your foot and need a cast, but, second, I am laughing so hard I need to go use the restroom! I love your sarcasm. It's a great relief in an all too serious world! You have pointedly expressed how so many good ideas have no basis in common sense! Put some rubber under that cast protector and stay off the stairs for now. If it really gets bad, just let out a good gut wrenching hollar. That will not only get everyone's attention, but you'll probably feel better too! Love the Fork Goddess. Thanks for visiting my blog!

bobbie said...

Oh, Di, I hope it's replaced!
The planning and the surrounding yourself with what you think you might need - that sounds so familiar. Come to think of it, I do it almost every day of my life now. But it's so important! In your present position it must really be essential. And God forbid you forget that one thing!
I really feel for you!

pink dogwood said...

Whining does wonders sometimes - whine all you want to us - that's what us bloggie friends are here for. I hope you get better soon though - Best Wishes!!

Dianne said...

leighann - screw Sven. I'd take a Grandma who knows what she's doing

farmers wife - I love a good chuckle too

jay - thanks - you'd be cuter whining than I am

queen size funny bone - oh so fun indeed! I could use a Mommy of my own right now

jackie - my standards are but one step above bag lady ;)
perhaps the bridge looks squinty from a distance? I love Scotish logic :)

hilary - busty shower antics - I
think I'll make a movie lol

knight - I do rest a lot kid I really do. hugs

betty - back aches are a good reason to whine

kathiesbirds - thanks for appreciating all my zaniness :)

bobbie - thanks!! who ever thought ice cubes melting could make you cry but right now I just realized my ice is all gone - OY!!!

Dianne said...

pink - thank you!!

Sylvia K said...

If I ever have to wear a cast, I just hope I can do it with humor, the attitude that you have! Great post and I hope you get that sucker off soon!

holly said...

i am really awful. i shouldn't be laughing at your misery. oh...i'm not... i'm ..uh...totally laughing at something i heard earlier. and i am totally now empathizing with your plight.

and wishing your speedy recovery.

(still giggling!)

SnoopMurph said...

I agree-keeping your sense of humor about you when you probably feel like crap is one of your best qualities (in my opinion!). The sight of those stairs make me cringe for you and I will keep you in good thoughts and think boot, boot, boot!

p/s Loved the wordzzle too!

RiverPoet said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you're hurt! I must have missed something alone the way. Be careful in the shower. You know you'd hate to be on the news as "Woman Found Knocked Unconscious by Own Breasts!"

Peace - D

tt said...

You know...purple is THE color for this fall...what a way to make a fashion statement.;)
Love the evening gown idea....I have simular thoughts about 'what if someone found me like THIS???'...I shudder....

I know how frustrating this is for you...Dammit..I wish I could help...I'd do it 'BEFORE' you even thought of asking too! :)

Hang in there babe....this too shall pass....but only if you get some chocolate and an adult beverage.

Bear Naked said...

I can't get over your wonderful sense of humour that you have.
Your shower story is hilarious.
Let me tell you I didn't have anything humourous to say after my accident.
Do be careful on those stairs though.
Best wishes and gentle bear hugs to you.

Bear((( )))

Roger said...

I would carry you any where you needed to go sweetheart! :D

Diane Mandy said...

Your allowed to whine and rant. You are still a joy to read when you do!

Matt-Man said...

Wow. Such obstacles to overcome and conquer. But on the upside, your big toe is so damn sexy. Rowrrrr. Cheers Di!!

Leighann said...

::screw Sven::

Yes boss!

Dianne said...

sylvia - thank you! I hope you never need to be 'casted' as the Dr. calls it but if it should ever happen I would gladly make you laugh about it :)

holly - you're not awful at all. Giggle away, that is what I'm here for ;)

snoop - some days I just stare at the stairs (hehe) and they seem so much more than I can bear. but laughing definitely helps.

riverpoet - could you imagine! and they'd probably find all my Obama gear and blame the Dems lol

tt - I was thinking of your tribulations with the parentals when I mentioned my 'helpers' - I'd be so freakin' grateful for Denny's takeout let alone somebody taking me there! I do understand the frustration they must feel at times - it really sucks to need what you used to do yourself.

bear - thanks :)
I am careful, that's why it takes me forever to get up and down.

roger - you're such a gentleman :)
I'm thinkin' you might want to get a handtruck though hehehe

diane - thanks!! Funny is healing.

matt-man - I'm rubbing my big toe and thinking of you!

leighann - you're adorable!

Tranny Head said...

Casts SUCK suck suck suck suck. Though, of course, I guess you already knew that.

Good luck with that condom - it looks intense.

Richard said...

Funny, true, and just a little sad. Hang in and Hang on.


Great writing as always Dianne.

Dianne said...

tranny - it is rather -um - larger than life isn't it ;)

rich - thanks!! I'm hanging and it's not from the ceiling

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL...Oh this brings back memories, Dianne....I have broken a foot three times in my 77 years....Once when I was about 19....Then about 14 or so years later...., and the last time in 1984....(Pray For Rosemary's Baby....).
We didn't have Shower covers back thwn...It was Sponge Bath, or nothing! EAch time I was on crutches for like two weks and then had what they laughing called "a Walking Cast", for at least four more weeks---this was before they decided 'the boot' was a good alternative....Still a lot of the sponge baths!

So I empathize with you...I truly do! I dearly hope you get that clunker off on Friday and get moved to the less Cumbersome Boot! Great Good Luck! You are doing Magnificently!!!

Lu' said...

I hate to laugh, but you have a way with words; terrific sense of humor. Is your house like mine with no bathroom on the main floor? I was betting that when you were done getting that thing off after the shower, you'd need another shower. Take care although I am sure you are.

Ron said...

That King Kong size condom?

That's about the size I use!


And I'm so old...that I was actually IN the Ziegfeld Follies.

I knew Fanny Price VERY well!

(oh my man I love him sooo...)


*Just some sick Ron Humor!

P.S. and if I was there...I would be more than happy to carry you around the house.

Ron said...

P.S. That's Fanny Brice.

Dianne said...

oldoldlady of the hills - my son broke his leg about 25 years ago. I had to tape garbage bags to his leg for him to shower. Funny when I bitched about the shower to him he laughed. Ungrateful sod!

lu' - never hate to laugh with me I love it!
everything is on 1 floor except my office and I have to work down there, too much to move up.

ron - you kill me!! loved Fanny, the real one. well streisand too.

JunieRose2005 said...

LOL! Dianne, will you hit me (or kick me) if I say I got a 'kick' out of this post??

:) good luck for the rest of your journey to the end of that cast wearing!
Yer doing good!!


Mojo said...

Oh man... I feel your pain. Well except for the getting-cold-cocked-by-your-own-breasts part I mean (the "moobs" haven't gotten to that stage yet!)

I'm not laughing at you okay? I'm laughing with you.

Michael Manning said...

Oh, Dianne! My Mom had foot surgery and freaked me out when she told me over the phone that she took a shower with a plastic bag over her foot! You can omagine the images I had of her suffering a fall. But she is recovered now and I send you lol for your recovery too! :)

the walking man said...

Dianne, I wrapped a garbage bag around my casts, so now they have a garbage bag for sale specifically to keep water out of a cast? The wonders of modern medicine.

I'm am you have a washroom in your basement and if not how early do you have to break from work to get there?

Dianne said...

junierose - I wouldn't hit/kick you at all. I write to entertain :)

mojo - I feel you laughing with me! thanks

michael - the need to shower is primal! we will do what we must ;)

mark - yes they do! and the miracle cost $25
it does keep the cast bone dry though.
as for bathroom breaks - the bathroom is upstairs. luckily I'm a camel. I bring down 2 full thermos of coffee (coffee maker is also upstairs) and finish both before I must plan my trip up the mountain.

Sparkling Red said...

Oh, Dianne. What else can be said? You are one brave woman, that's all. My thoughts are with you.


CG said...

Oh you poor thing. But you still managed to make me laugh!!

Denise said...

Oh wow, I really feel for you, but there's a sense of humor in you that is a joy to us all out here. I wish you a speedy healing process so that you can get the dang thing off.

Dianne said...

sparkling - thanks!! I believe it may be crazed bravado.

cg - laughing is good! :)

denise - awwww thanks, that's a lovely thing to say.

Patti said...

I'm sorry to read about all you troubles. I watch Ralph struggle all the time, I know what it's like to have to do things differently.

You have a great sense of humor, Dianne. It will get you through all this stuff. And your writing is great, as always.

Heal soon!