Take This Cast and Shove It

I have several awards sitting in my in-box that I MUST say thank you for.

I have a post half written that I promised Jood I would do.

And in my brick and mortar life I have bills to pay, mail to open (more bills), crap to do for clients and my house needs to be cleaned.

BUT …

I really just feel like whining. Or perhaps kicking the crap out of someone with my hard foot. Or both.

It’s been a bit over 2 weeks since the cast went on. I’ve lost track of how long the ankle was hurt before the cast. Funny thing is this wasn’t even the leg that was bothering me.

I am a grateful person. I am a strong person. Relatively speaking, in the course of what others go through, this is nuttin’ honey. Hell it isn’t even in the top 10 of my own life’s most crappy moments.

BUT …

It takes me freakin’ forever to do anything. I must plan where I will be and surround myself with the things I think I might need. I carry the phone everywhere. My makeshift version of ‘I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up’. Getting from the living room to the kitchen wears me down. The trips to the basement office are like extreme sports.

And once I am wherever I am I often can’t remember what I was going to do there. I sit and stare a lot. I would be rocking back and forth and humming but I’m conserving energy to take a shower.

Ah yes – showers!

Not since Zeigfeld

From CAST

has there been such a production number. Getting the cast protector on is hilarious. When the nurse showed me how to use it I should have been clued in by the fact that it took her and her assistant 10 minutes to do it! One important hint – don’t do it naked unless you want to render yourself unconscious by being repeatedly smacked in the face with your own large but no so perky anymore breasts. Plus if you collapse from exertion or lose your balance and hit your head on the side of the tub do you really want to be found that way?

From CAST

KING KONG'S CONDOM?

I have taken to wearing an evening gown to prepare for my shower. Ya just never know.

The first time I took a cast shower I realized how badly organized my shower is. Too much reaching and turning required. The cast protector box clearly states not to move around a lot, the protector is very slippery. Which makes sense. Why wouldn’t you use slippery material on a device designed solely for people who can’t stand up to begin with.

I do enjoy the few moments of standing under the wonderful spray and washing my hair and smelling all my lovely lotions and potions. Makes me feel less like the Elephant Man’s Ugly Older Sister.

Alas all good things must come to an end. Disembarking from the shower is much like preparing for the shower except you’re wet. It is critical that the cast protector – now soaking wet with tiny rivers running through its crevices – come off while maintaining the dry integrity of the cast. I work up such a sweat getting out of the shower that well – I need a shower.

From CAST

And don’t get me started on my helpers! If I ask for something every single freaking morning well – after days and days of needing the same things and asking for the same assistance why isn’t it just done. Why must every day be the first day of your life? It’s not the first day of mine! I’m ageing like crazy here.

I’m a good patient. I am grateful for every little thing. I do as much, and more, as I can for myself. If I’m up at 9 on Sunday morning and you’re sleeping til 2 well I’ll just muddle along and I’ll even do it quietly.

And I won’t be bitchy or cranky or passive aggressive when you do finally wake up. I hate that crap and I was never that kind of parent. I’m certainly not that kind of MIL which makes me wonder – maybe you do need to be a bitch?

That’s for another post. Or never.

It’s 11AM now and I need to be upstairs by noon so I better head out.

From CAST

Seriously though – thank you to all who ask how I’m doing. Youse Guys are the best. I see the Dr. again this Friday and hopefully the cast gets replaced by a boot.