Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Snarking With The Stars

An episode of Dancing With The Stars needs to be reviewed with grace and knowledge. The dances should be introduced and described. The strengths and weaknesses of each pair’s performance should be covered tactfully and respectfully. If you really want to stand out as a reviewer you could include some carefully chosen clips to highlight the dances. That makes for a good DWTS post.

And that’s not what I’m going to do.

If you want quality go to TRAVIS’ PLACE and read his weekly DWTS post. Travis is a gentleman with class and a keen eye for good dancing. He is kind and even tempered and a pure example of the “F” word. Yes – he is Fair.

And that’s not what I’m going to do.

I am going to share with you the twisted thoughts that went through my mind as I watched last night’s episode.

I will be, to steal a line from a recent TV show, your ‘Mistress of the Dark Observation’.

Let’s meet our stars – in no particular order.

Shawn …

This child reminds me of a Muppet. You’ll have to guess which one; it’s not in me to be cruel. If she tells us one more time that she’s “only 17” she’s not going to make it to 18 with a full head of hair and an unscarred face. And what’s with all the talk of “age appropriate”? It’s dancing, not pornography, and it’s on network not cable. For god’s sake! My niece did more suggestive dancing at 12 when she was part of Miss Susan’s School of Dance and Gum Popping. Then again Brooklyn has its own standards.

Chuck …

First of all he’s dancing with his real life girlfriend, a gorgeous blonde with amazing moves. I hope she has someone on the side; if this guy makes love the way he dances … Oy!
The Osmonds have so many freakin’ kids they didn’t realize they misplaced one. Yo Marie! Get the tear ducts oiled up for the reunion. Maybe you can make a doll in Chuck’s likeness or at least knit him an ugly ass sweater for the next “last time we all perform together” extravaganza. This guy is so white he makes Wonder Bread look ethnic.

Ty …

The only cowboy I appreciate is the one wearing ass-less chaps in a pride parade. I despise rodeo. I root for the bull. Actually there’s a good chance this guy has more than his share of horns stuck up there. It would explain the way he moves.

Lawrence …

Fierce. Fine. Ferocious.
On the football field.
I adore you LT. This is not your thing. Let them bring Warren Sapp back to step in for you. Hell, a huge part of the country thinks all black men are interchangeable anyway. As they say in show biz – it’ll play in Kansas. And the rest of us will keep the secret.

Melissa …

You sweet girl you. You bring back such memories of high school. How the cheerleaders were so lovely and perky – and hateful and annoying – and fake and flighty. Every time I catch myself liking you I dig my nails into the fleshy part of my thigh until I draw blood. Then I’m OK again.

Steve-O …

You can’t dance kid. But as Carrie Ann said you’re genuine and honest and touching and lord knows that’s so much more endearing than a lost Osmond or an animal torturer. I hope you stay until only the real dancers are left.

Lil’ Kim …

Props to my girl from Brooklyn! You are looking and dancing like high class royalty Miss Thing. Long gone are the days of Diana Ross tweaking your nipple and in those costumes you sure as hell ain’t carrying.
Keep on keeping on!

Giles …

OMFG! Hotness has a new face – not to mention a tight ass. He is sexy and charming and funny and down to earth. His wife beams and his little boy calls him “Poppa”. Every self destructive woman with no self esteem wants to be his mistress, how could you not!? If you need any more evidence check out his scenes from the ‘Sex and the City’ movie. Just fast forward to the beach resort setting and then look for a giant cock doing a rumba.
10-10-10 Baby!

And there you have it …

LIVE from New Jersey! It’s Snarking with the Stars.


Anndi said...


Bond said...

Funny stuff here Ms. Thang...

LT did great last night I thought.

Steve O has to go

Lil Kim is rockin the joint

My namesake is the overall winner

ummm cookie monster?

Anonymous said...

You Rock...I can't stand DWTS this season. Problem is they all are a bunch of nobody stars if you ask me. Gilles is going to win this hands down I'm sure of it. I had high hopes for Melissa but she doesn't seem to be getting any better. Shawn is to athletic and doesn't seem graceful. LT well is a football player. Steve O needs to go Ty I like cowboys and he tries but he's been on the bull to long. Lil Kim is well too much too much....ummmm moving on Chuck I hope DWTS learns never to pair a real life couple again. I dont' know why I suffer with the each week as this is the worst season of it to date. Where is my Cloris when ya need her. :)

Nessa said...

You really shouldn't sugar coat your opinions; D

Daryl said...

You rock ... I havent watched (except that moment when Steve O fell as we were changing channels and stopped to watch) and wont ever have to .. all I gots to do is hop over here .. you are da bomb!

Dianne said...

anndi - Mamma loves when you worship her! makes me proud

bond - I must get my sense of humor and irreverence back! glad you were amused
as for the cookie monster - OK if that's what you want to believe ;)

thom - Cloris is a Goddess - in all things!!
I don't mind this season - I enjoy the dancing and the cheesy drama and the costumes and Giles is worth waiting for all the rest to dance just to see him ;)

nessa - I know!! I always hold back and try to sugar coat it - it's the cross I bear - hehehehehehehe

Dianne said...

daryl - just remember it's my slanted view when the dark voices are talking to me LOL
if you need some light and balance you must visit Travis
I still enjoy the show, I just wish they'd stop talking or starting saying something worthwhile - as Thom said, I miss Cloris

Kay said...

You almost make me want to watch.


Linda Reeder said...

I haven't been watching this season,so I'll take your very snarky, and funny, word for it.

Jay said...

I get a bit angry every time they slobber all over Shawn because I feel like reminding them that she didn't win the all-around gold. It was Nastia Liukin who won.

Yes, Nastia, the AMERICAN, who has the unfortunate burden of having a Russian name. So, no matter her accomplishments we have to ask her to step aside for the one with the more American sounding name.

Not taking anything away from Sawn's accomplishments, but it's just one of those things that annoys me about our media sometimes. ;-)

Oh, and I have to admit that I am TOTALLY smitten with Melissa. Totally.

You're descriptions of each of them were hilarious though. DWTS should hire you to do the bios for their website. LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

I posted on ScuttleButt, Gille -- I read he needs surgery :(

Go CLO Go!!! she is my godess :)

Dianne said...

kay - think of the fun we'd have if we watched together!!

linda - I appreciate that but always take my snark with a huge grain of salt ;)
I love your new picture - you look fantastic!

jay - I agree about the Shawn/Nastia debacle - God Bless America - it's not about the truth, it's about the perception ;)
I don't blame you for liking Melissa, she's charming and attractive. Personally I think you're too good for her
I keep trying to find the portal into the alternate universe where I would be the one writing the bios ;)

thom - he complained about his shoulder last night! when they were bitching about his "small movements"
I'm coming over to check out the news
I have a Clo post half written from when I was having my bad moments last week - I have to finish that
No wonder we like each other, my nieces tell me I act like Cloris - I should be so lucky

Reb said...

I love it! Almost makes me want to watch, maybe one.

Linda said...

You're right, Travis does a damn fine job with his DWTS review and he really ought to be getting paid by the network but I gotta say, having lived in New Jersey for awhile whilst serving my country I totally appreciate and love your take on the show! Truth be told, I don't think there's enough quality snark in the world but you certainly do provide some here. Bravo! Bravo! I give you a ten!!

kenju said...

I agree with you, mostly. Now I'm going to check out Travis.

Anonymous said...

OMG she's my favorite. LOL.I stood by her all the way last season...can't wait to read the post :)

Travis said...

Heheheheheee...I enjoyed your twisted thoughts. And thanks for the shout!

the walking man said...

The only thought I had after laughing my way through this post was...glad Di took my advice and got herself some good pain drugs.

tt said...

I bow to your royal snarkiness! :)

I LOVE DWTS!! but I'm a dance freak. I felt so bad for Steve-O last night...His humor totally cracks me up!

That big-ol-hunk-O-Man..Giles..or however you say it....OMG!!If he knocked at my door, I'd have to give Lovee a wee little shove.. lol

Dianne said...

reb - we would have a great time watching together ;)

linda - a 10! thank you
now I'll make a cheesy statement and wave to the crowd
I bet NJ loved you ;)

kenju - Travis is the best

thom - I'm working on it :)

mark - believe it or not this is me without drugs! the "wellness center" won't give me a script - they say I have to see my primary doctor who will charge me a fortune just for walking thru the door
gee - wonder if Rush Limbaugh has any he can spare ;)
I love that I made you laugh

tt - been meaning to e-mail you! love ya
and you're full of crap, you'd never shove Lovee and you know it :)

CG said...

Great review :) I just re-watched Sex & the City...yum :)

Deborah Godin said...

Is it possible to break anything, like a body part, by laughing?? Because I think I did reading this...

Dianne said...

cg - my DVD is broken! maybe I FF'd too much lol

deborah - I think lauging until something breaks is fanastic!! it'll pop right back into place, don't worry