Snarking With The Stars

An episode of Dancing With The Stars needs to be reviewed with grace and knowledge. The dances should be introduced and described. The strengths and weaknesses of each pair’s performance should be covered tactfully and respectfully. If you really want to stand out as a reviewer you could include some carefully chosen clips to highlight the dances. That makes for a good DWTS post.

And that’s not what I’m going to do.

If you want quality go to TRAVIS’ PLACE and read his weekly DWTS post. Travis is a gentleman with class and a keen eye for good dancing. He is kind and even tempered and a pure example of the “F” word. Yes – he is Fair.

And that’s not what I’m going to do.

I am going to share with you the twisted thoughts that went through my mind as I watched last night’s episode.

I will be, to steal a line from a recent TV show, your ‘Mistress of the Dark Observation’.

Let’s meet our stars – in no particular order.

Shawn …



This child reminds me of a Muppet. You’ll have to guess which one; it’s not in me to be cruel. If she tells us one more time that she’s “only 17” she’s not going to make it to 18 with a full head of hair and an unscarred face. And what’s with all the talk of “age appropriate”? It’s dancing, not pornography, and it’s on network not cable. For god’s sake! My niece did more suggestive dancing at 12 when she was part of Miss Susan’s School of Dance and Gum Popping. Then again Brooklyn has its own standards.

Chuck …



First of all he’s dancing with his real life girlfriend, a gorgeous blonde with amazing moves. I hope she has someone on the side; if this guy makes love the way he dances … Oy!
The Osmonds have so many freakin’ kids they didn’t realize they misplaced one. Yo Marie! Get the tear ducts oiled up for the reunion. Maybe you can make a doll in Chuck’s likeness or at least knit him an ugly ass sweater for the next “last time we all perform together” extravaganza. This guy is so white he makes Wonder Bread look ethnic.

Ty …



The only cowboy I appreciate is the one wearing ass-less chaps in a pride parade. I despise rodeo. I root for the bull. Actually there’s a good chance this guy has more than his share of horns stuck up there. It would explain the way he moves.

Lawrence …



Fierce. Fine. Ferocious.
On the football field.
I adore you LT. This is not your thing. Let them bring Warren Sapp back to step in for you. Hell, a huge part of the country thinks all black men are interchangeable anyway. As they say in show biz – it’ll play in Kansas. And the rest of us will keep the secret.

Melissa …



You sweet girl you. You bring back such memories of high school. How the cheerleaders were so lovely and perky – and hateful and annoying – and fake and flighty. Every time I catch myself liking you I dig my nails into the fleshy part of my thigh until I draw blood. Then I’m OK again.

Steve-O …



You can’t dance kid. But as Carrie Ann said you’re genuine and honest and touching and lord knows that’s so much more endearing than a lost Osmond or an animal torturer. I hope you stay until only the real dancers are left.

Lil’ Kim …



Props to my girl from Brooklyn! You are looking and dancing like high class royalty Miss Thing. Long gone are the days of Diana Ross tweaking your nipple and in those costumes you sure as hell ain’t carrying.
Keep on keeping on!

Giles …



OMFG! Hotness has a new face – not to mention a tight ass. He is sexy and charming and funny and down to earth. His wife beams and his little boy calls him “Poppa”. Every self destructive woman with no self esteem wants to be his mistress, how could you not!? If you need any more evidence check out his scenes from the ‘Sex and the City’ movie. Just fast forward to the beach resort setting and then look for a giant cock doing a rumba.
10-10-10 Baby!

And there you have it …

LIVE from New Jersey! It’s Snarking with the Stars.