Friday, September 25, 2009

So This Is How It Went ...

I haven’t posted anything of much substance lately. I haven’t even updated you all on the disability evaluation I ranted about the day before I had to be part of it.

I find myself really needing to stay in the moment. THE moment. Even as I type these first few lines I feel my blood pressure changing and my eyes tearing.

I really appreciate all who commented or e-mailed me asking how the evaluation went. I’m sorry for just leaving things hanging in the air, it’s not my style.

I really don’t know how it went.

The people there were very friendly and professional. Some of the tests made no sense to me but then again much of the healthcare system makes no sense to me. A lot of what I was asked to do or asked about appeared to have no direct relation to my medical condition. Even more seemed to be boiler plate.

I came away feeling that I was nothing more than a cog in a very giant wheel. If I fit into the wheel then I’ll roll on with it. If I don’t then the wheel will simply roll right over me.

The evaluation was more than 2 weeks ago. The doctor told me he was not allowed to provide me with a copy of his report to the insurance company but that the insurance company must give me a copy.

I waited a week and then called to ask for a copy. It took 3 calls to find out they don’t have it yet.

Yesterday I received a letter from the insurance company thanking me for attending the evaluation – this corporate word play used to make me laugh; now it makes me want to throttle someone. A 6 page form accompanied my thank you. The form is basically a shorter version of the initial mind numbing packet I filled out months ago. Except now it’s titled ‘Application for Continuance of Disability Benefits’. WTF!?

Several phone calls later I finally understand that they want to know how I feel today. Well, didn’t the evaluation determine that? Perhaps I could be given an 800 number to call – I’ll call every freakin’ day and let them know how I’m doing. Hell I’ll call several times a day …

Hi, it’s Dianne – can’t go to the store today, I can’t straighten up.
Good morning, it’s Dianne – I think the tendons are tearing again, ankle is really swollen.
Just calling to say good night, feel free to call me back – I can’t fucking sleep since my torn muscle is in spasms and burning.

I could go on but this is why I don’t dwell on this.

The rage that consumes me is not healthy or helpful. The throbbing in my head makes thinking even more difficult. The tightness in my chest makes me worry about a stroke – after all without health insurance I’ll sit in a hallway somewhere until everyone has nothing better to do.

I really do understand how people go ballistic.

Thankfully I have many things that tether me to a place of being able to stay in the moment. Hope. The cats. My friends – live and internet. My writing.

I am so grateful for my imagination.

I picture myself traveling to Washington and conducting semen CSI like tests on all Congressmen and lobbyists. I then create a chart of who is blowing and screwing who (whom?) and publish it on Huffington.

I travel from town meeting to town meeting and tea party to tea party. I carry with me a giant magic market so I can correct all their illiterate posters. I carry a giant caldron of boiling water so I can steep their fucking heads and make a nice tea. I even have finger sandwiches. We’re nothing if not civilized here in the grand ole USA.

I take insurance execs to the health clinic near the boardwalk. I hold them there at gun point until at least 10 under nourished children with the flu vomit on them.

And my latest – I take a giant statue of Jesus to yet another “Christian” rally where they’re all wearing shirts proclaiming that ‘God hates fags’ and ‘God hates Jews’ and I just stand there with it. Oh – my Jesus is wearing a T-shirt that says ‘I hate hateful assholes’.

Now that’s a Kodak moment.

And on we go.


Anonymous said...

I'm really very sorry. The red tape that MUST be gone through is a travesty. I do hope you feel better. Everything will work out, believe it.

Good luck with the Titans this weekend.


Schmoop said...

Sorry that you're being dangled about, Di. Get your statue ready and we go find a "Christian" rally. I'll wear a T-Shirt that simply says, "Blow Me". Cheers!!

Anonymous said...

I think I love you!!!! Okay so in a friendship sorta way. Now I don't cuss so much anymore but I can tell your cussing was appropriately placed and in the tone it should be. I feel for you, I do. I too was advised by no less thatn 13 doctors to get disability but I didn't want to open my life up or my husbands to their prodding. It was easier for me to trust my craft and try to make a go of there.

Some months, it would be easier for the prodding to take place. My business is disposable income. The economy is not nice right now so i'm affected. Everytime I get to a point I think it might be easier to give in and file, I get a few sales to carry me through. Now don't that beat all.

I'm still sewing but always expecting I may need to file. Rage doesn't even define the emotion of the hoops they lay out before you. ARGH.

Take care you and never loose your sense of humor. EVER. I read your post to my husband and he asked if it was my sister!! Bwaaaah. MY kids call me carlin if that tells you anything. :) Hugs for a better day tomorrow. Tammy

Linda Reeder said...

I wish there was some way I could allieviate your stress, your anger, your fear, but I can't. So I'm happy to be one of your concerned readers who allows you to rant without throwing platitudes at you. Your rants are masterpieces.

Sylvia K said...

Well, you surely won't get platitudes from me! And besides you know that I feel exactly the same way! Fuck the lot of them! And I love your rants! Go for it, Girl! And know I'm with you every step of the way!

I'm here for you, Dianne!


Grayquill said...

Hmmm… so, you are still waiting for your evaluation to be evaluated. And you’re a bit ticked off about the whole affair. I guess I would be too if I couldn’t straighten up or walk. Sorry! Hang in there – Sorry for that last phrase! Not very useful – if I had something great to say I would say it. But I am sure you have already thought any thought I have at least 10 or 20 times already.
I’m pulling for you - Does that help? Probably not - that's all I got - Sorry!

Scott Oglesby said...

I’m really sorry about all the crap that you are going through. I know how hard it is to deal with the insurance companies, and I can’t even imagine disability. My thoughts are with you! As for staying in the moment, someone lent me a book a year ago that really helped with that. It’s called “The Power of Now,” and even though I’m not much of a self-help book kind of person, I freaking loved that book. It’s a lot more spiritual and deep than the title suggests. I’m almost a Phil Jackson-esq zen master now. I’ve learned that this moment is really, truly, all we have. If you can always make the most of it, and experience it, you will always enjoy it, even in the hard times!
Good Luck Love!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your rant. No really, this way I know you're still fighting, still you, hanging in there round after round.

I'm glad you have this place to vent and that it's all tempered with Hope!

the walking man said...

You have started the process for Social Security disability as well right?

Time for the big guns to be let loose in your insurance carrier, start with the NJ state regulatory agencies, your reps and then move to your congressmen at the Federal level.

bobbie said...

My problems pale in comparison to yours. But I know the frustration and anger you are feeling.

Keep fighting, girl. And we'll hold the good thoughts for you.

And, there's always Hope.

Lu' said...

kisses :)

Arkansas Patti said...

I am sure all the crap you have to go through is deliberate to make the meek just give up and drop out of the system in frustration. Saves having to deal with them.
Stay tough and beat them.

Happy Elf Mom (Christine) said...

LOL Fred Phelps is right near me, too. Both he and Obama claim to be Christians. Go figure. :p

I hope that you are able to get your groceries and the cleaning done this week. We all of us take so much for granted.

Nessa said...

I am so sorry for all of your problems and grateful, too, for your imagination, for your sake and for ours.

Hilary said...

Dianne, I'm so sorry for the ongoing crap. As tough as it is, try to think good thoughts for a positive outcome. I'm sending the very best of mine your way.

Melli said...

You know... there are some Christians that give Christianity a BAD name! The one thing I absolutely POSITIVELY know about God/Jesus is that He doesn't HATE anyone... He doesn't even know HOW to. God IS love. He only knows love. And He LOVES you! And he LOVES gays, and He loves blacks and Buddhists and gay black Buddhists! THAT's what THIS Christian knows! He LOVES all His people.

As for your trials and tribulations... you are still in my prayers - and I hope in the end it all works out for you! And... there's always Hope!

Linda said...

One of those so-called Christians who give Christianity a bad name is my ex-husband and his warped reasoning and thinking. I'd be happy to go kick the ever-lovin' shit out of him for you if you thought it would make you feel better. Of course, that would require a trip to Florida and I pretty much despise Florida but I'd be willing to do it for you if I thought it would at least put a smile on your face.

I am so sorry that you are having to jump through the same endless series of useless hoops over and over again while still not getting a treat at the end - i.e., an answer in regards to your disability. My friend in California goes through this same ritual constantly with her autistic son and it's heartbreaking and frustrating to watch.

Until you get an answer rant on - rant on in letters to your State Representatives, rant on in letters to your State Senators, and rant on to us as even though we can't do anything to help the process move along quicker we can certainly support you and applaud you for speaking your mind and speaking it so well.

Things in this country are broke and they need fixin' but until people wake up and smell the coffee (and not tea) it's not going to change and people like yourself are the ones who suffer and for that I am very, very sorry. I truly am.

Deborah Godin said...

I loved this double-barrel blast you gave 'em, keep those undeleted expletives coming! And I'm sorry that you have been cutting the red tape lengthwise. Hope (hope!) it gets positive results, and soon. And when you're ready to take that trip, I'll bet a lot of Magic Marker-packin' T-shirted people will go with! said...

Sending a rainbow of healing light your way. j

Akelamalu said...

As my granny used to say "They want to know how many farts to an ounce" don't they?

Sorry you're having all this stupid red tape to get what you need Dianne. Please accept some Reiki for the situation and for your pain. xx

Akelamalu said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Daryl said...

I advised Bobbie last week to contact her senators/congressmen ... I also told her to contact President Obama.

I just emailed Senator Lautenberg and President Obama about you and your fight with the 'system' ... I am hoping someone from either office contacts you.


Dianne said...

angie - thanks for the kind words
for me and my Jets ;)

matt-man - but if you're wearing that shirt and I'm with you I might get confused and well ...
I love ya Matty

stitch - I love ya too ;)
and I love that you're called 'carlin'
my brother used to call me 'the terminator' after the Dixie Carter character on Designing Women

linda r - they are rather good aren't are LOL

sylvia - you're a good good person and friend :)

grayquill - pulling for another person always helps
it puts good energy out into the world
thank you

scott - I will check out the book
I have come far in the whole moment thing
that's actually what named the blog
I take some forks off but I find my way back

rob - that's one of the reasons I finally posted, it was harder not to and I was feeling like a phony
love ya kiddo
and FOH
and the kitties

walking man - I have and that's a whole nother pile of BS
right now there is a freaking "hold" on my app because my DOB is different on different records
the SSA are the ones who screwed up my DOB to being with and I have been led to believe it was fixed several times
now they claim I never contacted them and want all the paperwork again
I am in the midst of so much fucking paperwork it's like having a god damn full time job

bobbie - all our problems are valid and relative
I hate the run around you're getting
and yes there is Hope :)

lu - kisses and hugs to you too :)

Life As I Know It Now said...

They do this on purpose because they want you to give up so hang in there. And I hope your pain becomes more manageable my dear. You deserve so much better than this!

Dianne said...

patti - I think it might be, and isn't that incredibly horrible
thanks for the kind words

mrs c - we do take it for granted
it's amazing how small tasks become huge
it took me 2 hours to change cat litter the other day, drives me batty

nessa - if I can't make people feel or smile or get angry or laugh then I'd hate it
I'm always so pleased when a good rant is well received LOL

hilary - thank you
I will keep on keeping on :)

melli - that's why I always put these so called Christians in "'s
although I do wish the leadership of legitimate churches would say more to shun these people
thanks for the prayers Melli, they are appreciated

linda - you made me smile

deborah - I love the notion of the two of us leading a magic marker crusade into the heart of stupid!!

jay s - you are always a rainbow of light

akelamalu - grannies have the best sayings!!
I will need to clean mine up a bit for Hope ;)

daryl - thank you :)
I find I do that sort of thing best for others

Dianne said...

lib - thank you lady
I hope things are getting better for you as well

Cherie said...

I can't imagine how difficult things must be for you, but I have had to deal repeatedly with ins co's that jack you around. Is this a private firm you're dealing with now, or the Social Security Administration? That's a whole other set of frustrations. *hugs*

Lisa (Mountain Photog) said...

Hugs from me, too, Dianne. :( You are in my thoughts. Hopefully all will go well and you will get the help you so desperately need.

I wouldn't drink that tea, though. I'm certain it would be poisonous.


Jay said...

Maybe you should set up a Myspace page and each day you can use the "mood" setting to let them know how you're doing. That way they can just check on you more easily?

Unless they have an automated system where you can just press "1" for back pain, "2" for leg pain, etc.

Also, I'm pretty sure Jesus hates assholes.

Jeni said...

I understand what the commenter who said "God doesn't hate anyone" means but Although HE may not hate anyone, I'm pretty sure he abhors some of the behaviors of those who say they are working in His Name, doing his bidding, etc.,all the while they are advocating discrimination of gays, upteen ethnic groups, etc., etc.
Dianne -I know you are more than well aware of the BS involved in any disability claim procedure. It is all really a ploy to try to get you to give up and give in. And I better have you pegged correctly as being someone who is not going to give them that! Hang in there, my friend! File whatever has to be filed, get whatever tests they say you need, even if they are just more of the current bullshit! Just DO it!
You WILL prevail! Why? Because as you always say, "There is Hope."

Ron said...

You GO, Dianne!

I freakin' LOVE the way you write!

Your last paragraph made me CHEER!

Sorry hear about still being in a limbo state right now with all of this - I know it SUCKS.

Please know that like Akelamalu, I am always sharing much Reiki with you.

I LOVE YOU, dear lady!


Kerry said...

Can I come with you to help correct grammar? Pleeeease?

Are you familiar with the Buddy Christ?
The guy who built it was my makeup teacher in college. (It actually looks a lot like him, lol.) Well anyway I think that's the Jesus to use.

the walking man said...

don't worry kiddo, you will get the DOB straightened out then you will be denied. The you will immediately file for an appeal and hire an attorney who for a government set amount will get you your benefit. The attorney payment will come out of the first check you receive.

The good thing is it is all retroactive to the day you first applied including Medicare. It is a process of time and you will prevail in the end. But figure a minimum of three years from day one.

Lowell said...

Sheesh, what a mess. Have you ever noticed most of those claiming we don't need health insurance reform are people who have health insurance or enough money not to worry about it?

I don't understand why the doctor would not give you a copy of the report. So far as I know the laws are very clear that you are to be provided any and all of your medical records you so request.

Sounds like an insurance company flunkie! I think, though, what he did was illegal.

I like your statue and T-shirt idea. How about also including the line, "God is a Jew!"

Fran said...

Oh Dianne, this is so unjust and cruel - which are words to describe the entire effed up health care nightmare in this country.

Anyone who is fearful of "rationing" should read your words and weep in repentance.

This is cruel and wrong - I am so sorry that on top of what you are physically dealing with you have this nightmare.

I am sending my every good thought,wish and prayer.

Rambling Woods said...

When I first started having symptoms and was missing a lot of time from work, my (idiot) doc sent me to specialists who basically said I was 'stressed' and should seek counseling. I was beside myself and in so much trouble with my principal that I began to think I was crazy. Damn bastards.. It was another 5 years before I would get the Dx of MS which I was almost happy to hear because I knew no one would hassle me. Isn't that really , really sad? Oh Dianne..I am sending you hugs....Michelle said...

Oh my... this really does suck for you, but I am glad you have hope & I am glad you have your wonderful very creative funny imagination. You are a delight and your "rants" are quite thought provoking. thanks for sharing.

CG said...

I shouldn't enjoy your rants so much Diane; you make me laugh but at the same time I can so upset for you and wish this would all get sorted!

fermicat said...

I don't know what to say. Why does this process need to be such a cluster****? It is like they just want to wear people down so they stop trying. Hang in there!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Having gone through all this crap with my husband I honestly feel that they are trying to wear you down so that you give up.

Dianne said...

cherie - I'm dealing with both, it's a double whammy ;)

lisa - the tea comment killed me! love ya!

jay - i love your ideas! perhaps I could 'skype' like Oprah does, then they could watch me be disabled

jeni - I'm doing it!! thanks lady

ron - I love you too
hope sends kisses

kerry - of course you can come with me!! you're tough and I love that
the Buddy Christ reminds me of 'The Rock' !!!

walking man - I love when you call me kiddo :)

jacob - he's not my dr., he's theirs so I think he's right
we shall see

fran - thank you!! you're such a good, kind soul

michelle - my SIL has MS and has been someone to talk to about all this from time to time
she often says - in relation to dealing with disabilty - that she's glad she has MS
what a freakin' world!!

lily - you're such an appreciative audience!! thank you
I love going for the laugh
it keeps my wrists closed ;)

CG - thanks lady, it's good to laugh

fermicat - there is so much ass covering and redundancy and inefficiency built into the system it's a wonder it works at all
well actually it doesn't work other than making 1% of the nation rich

queen size funny - I know
I think of you during all this, and how we both go for the laugh
I love that about you

Raven said...

Sorry they are still tormenting you... I think I'd have lost my mind with the 6 page form. I love Jesus' t-shirt. Taking insurance execs to health care clinic is a good one too.

I hope you get an answer soon - the proper one and that you can begin to have some peace of mind.

OldLady Of The Hills said...

Dear Dear Dianne...I cannot even imagine the frustration and the Boiling-Point-Blood Pressure from "THE SYSTEM"....It TRULY TRULY Sucks! I LOVE ALL the wonderful torture ideas, my dear...And I could picture every one of them...You have a GREAT Imagination and in truth---this is a BRILLIANT Post! I pray that they will FINALLY respond to your needs and give you what you need!
((((((((HUGS)))))))), my dear!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...


The insurance companies that is


Your ideas that is...

Travis Cody said...

I wish I had some words for you that would make this better. But without insurance reform of some kind, I'm going to be where you are a few years from now.

Shelly said...

Completely infuriating...I'm sorry darlin'. Thanks for the update - I was wondering how things went for you. Hang in there! Please please please don't let those creeps wear you down and make you give up the fight.

Anndi said...


If I can do anything to help... maybe call and chat for a bit. Roll you in a wheelchair over to a Tea Party Carnival and tent revival and run over some asshat's toes with it... I promise we'll leave just before they start flinging chickens.

Mare said...

I wish I had words of wisdom for you. Other than...take a baby aspirin a day to help prevent a stroke...and may some good luck come your way soon.