I'm Not Here, and Not All There

I’ve been a lackluster blogger lately. Family drama, finances and health issues are weighing me down and I’m having a difficult time focusing for more than a few moments at a time.

I read someone’s post 3 times before it really registers and by then I don’t remember what I wanted to comment. I’m one of those bloggers who doesn’t like to post a lot or join a photo meme if she’s not going to visit others.

I was going to unload a few details of all my crapola but the family stuff involves others and I can’t figure out how to write about them and keep them anonymous at the same time. 

The finances are WTF could anyone do unless you win lotto and want to give me some money. 

And I’m so sick of my own body. I just fuckin’ hate it right now and don’t get me started on doctors; if all you want to do as a doctor is make money then be a plastic surgeon. Hell, the casts of the Real Housewives shows will send all your kids to Ivy League and let you have a trophy wife and a whore.

If you’re a Primary Care doctor than take care of primary needs and fucking care a bit.

So there I am. I’ll get over myself. 

Love Youse Guys

First Do No Harm

This post is a bit longer than usual because of all the dialogue (hehehehehe) and because I just had to stop editing; the subject makes my blood boil and I couldn’t read it one more time.

So you have high blood pressure and low pressure
Excuse me
That’s what you circled

I had noted that historically my blood pressure has been normal or low but on my last clinic visit it was high; I tried to explain that to him

Would you like to see the meds they gave me?
No response
I sat there holding out the med bottle; finally I shook it at him and he took it
He barely looked at it and then he threw it on the examining table that was between us

And so began the appointment with the primary care physician I have been waiting for since February

He stood at a little shelf near the door, his body mostly turned away from me
There was a chair and writing desk right next to me
He rifled through the medical history booklet I had filled out as if he were handling explosives wrapped in garbage

You’ve had an arthritis work-up
Nothing was ever posed as a question but as an accusation
No, I’ve tried to tell you twice now that I have not had any medical care other than the emergency clinic in five years. Did I circle yes to arthritis? I don’t think I did
You circled muscle and joint pain and mobility limits
And that can only be from arthritis?
No answer

The visit had started on a positive note. The medical assistant was pleasant and professional. We talked about how I had cut down on how much I smoke and had still been able to lose a few pounds as well. I told her that I wished I could walk more but the pain got in the way as did my balance issues. She said I should ask the doctor for a walker prescription as other patients used them for exercise and found them helpful. She was encouraging.

You need to lose weight and stop smoking
I know, I ….
I was about to ask him about the walker but he interrupted me once again

I don’t treat smokers
Excuse me?
I don’t treat smokers

Then why am I going through all of this. I indicated how much I smoke on the survey. I told your assistant I smoked. Why would you spend all this time being so rude and abrupt when you had no intention of treating me?

I think you’re overlaying your negative attitude onto me

Really. My negative attitude. This dick had just spent 15 minutes being abusive and I was the negative one.

I had hoped to be able to put up with him long enough to get an orthopedic referral but now I did what I had wanted to do about two minutes in …

Up out of the chair, grasping my cane to keep from throwing something at his face, I told him what a piece of shit he was. My face felt hot and I imagine my blood pressure was real high. I got that whirring sound in my head that indicates rage.

You fucking piece of shit. Look at you. With your short sleeved dress shirt buttoned all the way up. You’re a pussy boy. You get off on judging people. I imagine you really hate your patients. They must get in the way of the time you spend with internet porn and role playing games. Bet you’re a wizard in some chat room somewhere you miserable sack of crap.

By this time I have flung open the examining room door and I’m desperately trying to keep my balance – literally and emotionally.

I see the exit sign and as I head for it I see this woman in a nurse’s uniform charging down the hall and reaching out for the doctor’s arm. Swear, she had to be 100 years old.

As I kicked open the back exit to the parking lot I heard a voice that sounded like mine

There ya go pussy boy, momma nurse will protect you from the big fat smoking monster. Go bury your head in her tits you fucking asshole.

I was parked right there by the door and I have no recollection of leaving the lot. I had to pull over a few moments later when I realized my seat belt beeper was screaming. I sat there shaking and crying for a bit and then I took a deep breath and drove home.

I wonder if I need to look for another doctor.

This was last Thursday. Today I found another doctor and will be seeing her next week. I told her receptionist what had happened with the first doctor and was assured that this doctor treats everyone.

Cookies and Crapola - Week 6

A wee bit of crapola - I finally have an appointment for the primary care doc, it's May 10th. Yep - takes a month to get an appointment. Then comes the beginning of referrals and ...
Frustrating but so much better than nothing.

Happy 65th Birthday to David Letterman. He is, in my humble opinion, the best (other than Carson) and always will be. He brought irreverence to late night and was the first to do on the street skits and to include the audience as part of the joke.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker helped save his neighbor from a fire. Booker arrived home Thursday evening to discover the apartment next door on fire. A member of his security detail was already getting people out of the building when Booker was told that there was one woman still inside. Booker ran in with another one of his security people, found the woman in a back room and carried her out through a kitchen that was fully engulfed. The woman suffered burns on her back and is in the hospital. Booker was treated for smoke inhalation and burns on his hand and was released late that night.

Hope had a park play date with her best friend Daniel and one of the Moms took this photo. Daniel doesn't look thrilled to be hugged but Hope is clearly happy.

We're celebrating a Big Fat Greek Easter tomorrow with a house full of people.

Have a Good One Everyone.

Cookies and Crapola - Week 3

Let's start with a cookie in the oven. I think I have finally found a primary care physician. Now I just need to wait for the insurance company to confirm my choice, then wait for an appointment, then ...

After finally getting coverage for the first time in nearly 4 years it's so frustrating that it takes months to find a doctor.

It's not like healthcare is time sensitive or anything

I want to adopt Jennifer Lawrence. I didn't know much about the actress before the media circus for 'The Hunger Games' started. I saw her on the red carpet at some award show and thought she looked like every other tall blond actress in a tight dress. I was wrong.

She's incredibly funny and sweet and self-deprecating. She gave a wonderful interview to David Letterman. When asked about dealing with the red carpet she said she had to remember "to suck it all in" and was usually so nervous that she "acted like a chihuahua, shaking and peeing"

And what goes with cookies?
Ice cream of course

I said I could do it myself, I didn't say it would be easy

Have a good weekend everybody
Today is Chocolate Covered Raisin Day so have some, fruit is good for you.

Push Up Your Boobies and Be A Big Girl

Get a mammogram ... you too ladies

My Mom (on the left with her baby sister Olga) died at 59 because of breast cancer. She sought treatment too late.

Early detection and treatment are vital ...

Lisa Deblanc-Smith, an eight-year breast cancer survivor

Breast cancer survivor Lauren Weaver, right, gets flowers and hugs from best friend and fellow breast cancer survivor Marti McHugh

Actress Christina Applegate is a young survivor of breast cancer. Realizing how unprepared she was for the diagnosis she started her own foundation directed toward younger women.

LIV.com  has many useful links. At the American Cancer Society you can find places where you can get an affordable (maybe even free) mammogram.

The Susan G. Komen Foundation continues to lead the effort to raise research funds.

So at some point this month do what you must or do what you can

and never forget

there is always ...

HOPE

here she is as Dr. Hope tending to Mickey and Olivia

BE BRAVE

I Am Proof of Evolution ...

... because I am devolving.

My ankle, hip, knees, back issues got so bad this week that I could only get around by walking slow and stooped over.
Ironically I got hurt while having X-Rays taken for the SSA but that's another story.

Sunday I went to the grocery and between the exit and my car I had to stop twice to deep breathe through the pain. Sometimes I get in people's way but as you can see from the shot right above their convenience is so important to me.

I'm so uncomfortable and so exhausted from dealing with it that I get confused easily - is this the ATM? a drive-thru? where the hell am I?

Well meaning people tell me water therapy would really help yet ...

... they never ask if I can swim

I looked up all my meds and discovered that bloat and weight gain - along with suicidal thoughts and dry mouth - are some of the side effects.

I also found a Yoga for Scoliosis web-site ...

One bit of advice - wear a sports bra. You too ladies.

It all just makes me want to plotz.

What I Think It's All About

I’ve been trying to understand the varying opinions on healthcare reform.

I’ve been trying to see things from the perspective of others.

Ever since Hope (my grand daughter) was born I have been on a journey to be a more balanced, calmer person. I think we owe our (grand) children the gift of being thinkers, the peace of being empathetic, the joy of seeing the good in life.

I also think we owe them the courage to speak up when things are terribly wrong.

There are those who are afraid of the money being spent. I get that. Every year the price of necessities go up. Property taxes go up. And usually while salaries shrink. While jobs disappear.

I would like to know where this concern was when we invaded Iraq. When we started a war that has cost nearly 975 billion dollars – see COST OF WAR.COM

And let’s not forget the thousands and thousands dead. And the multitudes injured and crippled and maimed, whose lives are altered forever.

As for the concern about increased income tax. If you make more than a quarter of a million dollars a year and you’re going to bitch about an increase you can kiss my ass. You’ve most likely been reaping the benefits of tax loopholes and the Republican love for gifting the rich so pay up now. Plus you’ll just find a new way to screw the system, so don’t be such pissy whiners.

If you are a small business with 51+ workers and you don’t insure them you’re a piece of crap to begin with. I owned a small business. I cut back on office space. I took less of a salary. I spent less and worked more to insure my staff. That’s what a responsible employer and a good American is supposed to do.

If you fire people to be under the 51 count you should be legally bound to prove a down turn in business caused those layoffs. If you fired a person for cause then you should hire a replacement.

If you fire people to get around insuring them you are scum and you shouldn’t have a small business. You’re truly ready to be on Wall Street.

Then there are those who are worried about a loss of personal freedom. I heard this morning that several states will be suing the federal government claiming that healthcare reform impedes state rights and individual freedom. Back when I had health insurance – for the reasonable and affordable cost of $1200 a month – I had to call before I went to an ER. I had to change meds whenever the insurance company put out a new list of drugs they had decided wasn’t necessary.

When my ankle tore and I couldn’t walk my doctor spent over an hour on the phone explaining why I needed an MRI. They asked if I could stand – he tried to explain that I could only stand if I was leaning on something. He was told to just answer the question. He was asked if I could walk. He had to scream and threaten. His assistant had to fax volumes of pages. I had to wait over a week to get the MRI.

Then the fight for an orthopedic evaluation started. While that fight was going on with a health insurance company I was losing the battle with a disability insurance company.

So what happened – the disability money didn’t come. It was the mortgage or the health insurance premium. The health insurance was cancelled. Then the disability folks said that without an orthopedic evaluation I couldn’t be disabled.

If that isn’t a loss of personal freedom I don’t know what is.

Let’s get behind suing insurance companies.

And then there are the tea baggers. The far right. The fringe that gets so much press.

This is about ignorance. This is about racism. This is about religious zealotry and intolerance. Not since the America of the pre civil rights movement have I seen such hatred and outlandish behavior.

If a white President was reforming healthcare no way would there be this much of a storm.

And if every decent American isn’t concerned about that then we are in big trouble.

I found THIS compilation of protest slogans and signs. There are claims that FOX won’t/didn’t show most of these since they are so offensive. There are even stories of news outlets photo shopping the signs to make them less offensive. I can’t find outright proof but I sure as hell believe it.

Blacks. Muslims. Kenyans. Jews. Women. All insulted with the use of pithy little sayings. Parents having their children show words they shoudn't even hear or see.

I couldn’t figure out what some of the signs meant since the spelling was so bad. Here’s a little advice – if you’re going to advertise your views on national TV then get a dictionary. If you have already burned your dictionary then check the Bible. It has words in it. Read it, find the words you need and copy them.

And last but not least – Google what a tea bagger really is. For goodness sake you filthy, pathetic, disgusting, ignorant pieces of trash. Look it up!

And then get your testicles off the face of America.

You can read more about the fine outstanding American pictured above HERE

One More Reason To Pass Health Care Reform

I have stayed away from politics and social commentary lately. The state of things enrages me and disappoints me. Since I've been overwhelmed with personal and health issues I find I can't always be - uh - fair and balanced.

Then again I could declare myself fair and balanced and then go off like an ignorant loon, FOX does it 24/7.

I decided to use something ridiculous and inconsequential for my return to politics.



The big bloated blowhard that is Rush Limbaugh declared on his show that he will leave the United States if health care reform is passed.

Well Hallelujah! Amen! Bring out the champagne and streamers!

Maybe he can organize a junket and take Sean and Bill and Sarah and Glenn with him.

A caller asked Rush where he'd go. Costa Rica he declared.

Ahhh the comical irony of the ignorant. Costa Rica has universal health care.

I learned from Wikipedia that one of the five fastest growing industries in Costa Rica is pharmaceuticals - a junkie always knows where to go for their next fix.

Perhaps they'll give him his pain killers and anti-anxiety drugs and his Viagra free. Or at least legally. That way he could stop obtaining them illegally here in the states.

God Speed Rush - don't let the door hit you in the giant ass you talk out of on your way out.

EDIT on March 11 at 7 AM: I have read accounts stating that Limbaugh never said he would move to Costa Rica but that he would seek medical care there while still residing in the US. To me that just makes him even more of an asshat.

So This Is How It Went ...

I haven’t posted anything of much substance lately. I haven’t even updated you all on the disability evaluation I ranted about the day before I had to be part of it.

I find myself really needing to stay in the moment. THE moment. Even as I type these first few lines I feel my blood pressure changing and my eyes tearing.

I really appreciate all who commented or e-mailed me asking how the evaluation went. I’m sorry for just leaving things hanging in the air, it’s not my style.

I really don’t know how it went.

The people there were very friendly and professional. Some of the tests made no sense to me but then again much of the healthcare system makes no sense to me. A lot of what I was asked to do or asked about appeared to have no direct relation to my medical condition. Even more seemed to be boiler plate.

I came away feeling that I was nothing more than a cog in a very giant wheel. If I fit into the wheel then I’ll roll on with it. If I don’t then the wheel will simply roll right over me.

The evaluation was more than 2 weeks ago. The doctor told me he was not allowed to provide me with a copy of his report to the insurance company but that the insurance company must give me a copy.

I waited a week and then called to ask for a copy. It took 3 calls to find out they don’t have it yet.

Yesterday I received a letter from the insurance company thanking me for attending the evaluation – this corporate word play used to make me laugh; now it makes me want to throttle someone. A 6 page form accompanied my thank you. The form is basically a shorter version of the initial mind numbing packet I filled out months ago. Except now it’s titled ‘Application for Continuance of Disability Benefits’. WTF!?

Several phone calls later I finally understand that they want to know how I feel today. Well, didn’t the evaluation determine that? Perhaps I could be given an 800 number to call – I’ll call every freakin’ day and let them know how I’m doing. Hell I’ll call several times a day …

Hi, it’s Dianne – can’t go to the store today, I can’t straighten up.
Good morning, it’s Dianne – I think the tendons are tearing again, ankle is really swollen.
Just calling to say good night, feel free to call me back – I can’t fucking sleep since my torn muscle is in spasms and burning.

I could go on but this is why I don’t dwell on this.

The rage that consumes me is not healthy or helpful. The throbbing in my head makes thinking even more difficult. The tightness in my chest makes me worry about a stroke – after all without health insurance I’ll sit in a hallway somewhere until everyone has nothing better to do.

I really do understand how people go ballistic.

Thankfully I have many things that tether me to a place of being able to stay in the moment. Hope. The cats. My friends – live and internet. My writing.

I am so grateful for my imagination.

I picture myself traveling to Washington and conducting semen CSI like tests on all Congressmen and lobbyists. I then create a chart of who is blowing and screwing who (whom?) and publish it on Huffington.

I travel from town meeting to town meeting and tea party to tea party. I carry with me a giant magic market so I can correct all their illiterate posters. I carry a giant caldron of boiling water so I can steep their fucking heads and make a nice tea. I even have finger sandwiches. We’re nothing if not civilized here in the grand ole USA.

I take insurance execs to the health clinic near the boardwalk. I hold them there at gun point until at least 10 under nourished children with the flu vomit on them.

And my latest – I take a giant statue of Jesus to yet another “Christian” rally where they’re all wearing shirts proclaiming that ‘God hates fags’ and ‘God hates Jews’ and I just stand there with it. Oh – my Jesus is wearing a T-shirt that says ‘I hate hateful assholes’.

Now that’s a Kodak moment.

And on we go.

Stress ... and the best Stress Buster.

I am scheduled for an evaluation as part of my disability claim. The disability insurance company has set up an all day "evaluation process" for September 10. They even point out in their letter that this will be at their expense. That made me laugh. I'm supposed to be grateful or relieved that I don't have to pay for it? Blood sucking cretins.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of ...



Little did I know then that Siren would quickly become the only medical attention I could afford.

I could go on now to rant about the state of healthcare but instead I just want to give a bit of advice.

NEVER believe or trust an insurance broker. NEVER. Repeat after me ... NEVER.

And then, even after you grill them about the policy they're selling you, GRILL them some more.

When I started my own buiness I was innundated by offers from insurance cos. The moment I got my business license they came out of the dark like the insects they are. I did my homework. I am very good at research. I chose insurance carriers for life, for the office, for employee healthcare, for my own healthcare, plus all the taxes a small business pays.

And I chose a disability carrier. Why? So I'd never need to rely upon anyone if I got hurt. So that what is now happening would NEVER happen.

My research made me ask what would happen if my working conditions changed. What if my revenue dropped - after all my industry is volatile. I was told I could be covered for that. For an extra charge each month of course. I have been paying that extra charge while being accused of claiming I'm disabled because my business is struggling.

When costs started to kill the small profits I was making and my rent on both the office and my apartment were about to increase I decided to look into buying a house that a>could be converted into a 2 family and b>would allow me to work from home. I asked the insurance vultures if this change in working condition would harm my coverage. No, No, No - my policy was not contingent upon my location or the size of my staff. Now they tell me they don't see why I can't keep working since I work from home. They don't see why I can't maintain revenue even though I don't have staff because I can't afford staff.

I really don't want to talk about how the sharing of the house has worked out. Today is already a hurtful day. I can't believe a year of this crap has gone by.

And yet I am in better shape than many. People die waiting for medical care or lose their homes waiting for insurance claims.

The insurance industry is far too powerful. Far too corrupt. Far too greedy.
They need to be investigated and regulated. I volunteer to serve on the panel.

And now for the happy portion of our program.

Hope has a swing that she enjoys ...



But the swing is inside ...



... and that has been bugging her.

So she went to the park with her Mom ...

Healthcare - 1 - 2 - 3

CBS’s The Early Show presented 3 examples of how 3 different people would be affected by the new, it should be passed in my lifetime, healthcare plan.

The FIRST example was Debbie. Unemployed for the past 6 months, suffering with a serious pre-existing condition, and no longer able to afford the $700 a month she was paying for health insurance since she lost her job.
Under the new plan Debbie and anyone making under 43K a year would receive vouchers for healthcare.
I relate to Debbie the most – I have a pre-existing condition that has caused red tape problems in the past. I was BORN with the freaking condition. I guess I was supposed to have it corrected in the womb. Or be born rich.
I paid 1200/a month for health insurance until I just couldn’t pay anymore. My premiums went up 700% when I no longer qualified as a group and then went up again another 200% as part of “renewal adjustments”

The SECOND example was a woman in Chicago who owns a small transportation company. Her payroll is $900,000. She does not offer health benefits to her employees. She claims she can’t find an affordable group plan. She’s probably right. Under the new plan she would be charged 8% of her payroll for her staff to be covered. Of course under the new plan she also might be able to find more affordable group coverage since the insurance companies will need to react to this.
When my firm was larger I covered all 6 of my employees. It was a burden. I also thought it was my responsibility. The cost increases, along with higher payroll taxes, higher small business taxes and rent increases eventually made it impossible to keep the business going. This was all during the Bush years. Don’t tell me he gave a crap about small business. That idiot cared only about large corporations and bombing things.

The THIRD example was a physician with a private practice. He has 5 employees and covers them. He earns more that $350,000 a year. Under the new plan nothing will change for him other than paying an additional 1% tax. Anyone who can really, truly bitch about 1% on 350K is a moron or someone who just doesn’t want change and could care less about people like me. Pelosi says the 350 may actually be raised to 500 or even 1 million.
WHY!? We are so fucking afraid of rich people in this country. And if you’re telling me 350+ isn’t rich then I’d like you to adopt me.

I recently learned from Elizabeth Edwards’ website that $1 of every $7 I paid in premiums went to pay the salary of ONE insurance company executive. ONE.

Health should not be a profit driven business. Personally I think Obama’s plan doesn’t go far enough. He is, once again, compromising far too much to shut up the asshats who have fucked up this country for years and now want to blame the very people they swear they’re protecting.

Imagine if the Fire Department was profit driven. Burn poor people. Burn.

Why is healthcare not as life and death.

Why is there no chest thumping and wailing over the cost of the invasion of Iraq.

My son came home last night bitching about “that bastard you voted for” and whining like an asshat over needing to choose a different lab for his blood work because his employer is attempting to consolidate. He couldn’t explain what this had to do with Obama. He was simply venting what has become a popular cry among people who think they’re suffering. I’ll show him suffering.
His firm is making record profits from the explosion of digital communication and some kind of new something that I can’t remember at the moment. His health coverage is excellent. He is being inconvenienced to, I hope, save costs and become more efficient.
Maybe he’s being set up to have benefits cut.

Why will that be Obama’s fault.

Why will that be because of poor people or better health coverage.

Why won’t he rail at the executives of his firm. At his union leaders. At the greed and corruption of those few at the very top of every American corporation.

Because it’s so much easier to blame people at the bottom. You don’t even have to get up off your fat, overly entitled ass to kick them.

They’re right there – beneath you.

In another place and time what is going on in this country right now would call for a Revolution. Not a Revolution by gun toting right wing racists who just finished banging their cousin in a trailer in Virginia.

No – a Revolution by decent hard working people. All making less than 50K. Fuck the 350K ceiling. People who never believed in piss down economics. People who are sick of the politics of fear. People who think Reagan was nothing but a really bad actor – certainly not a great President. People who think the Bush family should be investigated from top to bottom.

I don’t curse in front of Hope so I won’t close with a photo of her.

I have searched the Early Show site for video of the segment but I can’t find it. Perhaps it will be there later. If so I’ll add the link then.

Question Everything (and a Mia update)

One of the people I admire most here in the internet tubes of blogland is Bobbie from ALMOST THERE and her post today is yet one more example of why I think she is an exceptionally intelligent lady with a calm and fair minded attitude.

Bobbie got an e-mail that attributed a rather heinous quote about seniors and healthcare to Tom Daschle. She took action by questioning the e-mail. She didn’t put it out there to fan flames – on a bad day I might have done that. She also wrote to President Obama making him aware of the e-mail and asking, if the quote was real, where he stood on the issue.

You can read the full story at Bobbie’s place. The bottom line is that Daschle was being partially quoted by someone who then chose to present her own opinion of healthcare reform as if it came from Daschle. She even employed a very clever misuse of quotation marks.

I don’t know how it became a widely distributed e-mail. The only thing about the e-mail itself that I could find was dozens of forums where people say such horrid things about Obama that I hope the Secret Service is reading.

I refuse to give any credence to these people by including their links.

There are lessons in Bobbie’s actions …

Many of Obama’s supporters did not “drink the Kool-Aid” and do not “blindly worship the Messiah” as his detractors would have you believe.

People do read and question politically inflammatory e-mails rather than blindly forwarding them like sheep.

If only this would become a trend.

We have so much work to do in this country. So many people are suffering. Why it is necessary to spread lies and fear is beyond me.

Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts.
Daniel Patrick Moynihan

Stupid is as stupid does
Forrest Gump

Mia’s echo shows that her heart is fine; the murmur is just that – a murmur – people (and cats) live their whole lives with murmurs. So basically her kidneys are the only issue and the vet believes the diet change will address that. Where the seizure came from is a mystery. Since I wasn’t there to see its onset it is impossible to know anything more about it. Her kidney function will be checked again in two months.

Mia sends her love and thanks to you all.