It's All About Me

Not something I say much, not my style.

My infrequent posts and visits to all of you has been bothering me. I value our connections and always feel "schmucky" when I don't check in on youse guys.

I just don't feel well.

I am constantly uncomfortable, sometimes in pain. It makes me grumpy and worse, it makes it really hard to focus for very long. I lose my train of thought and ...

What was I saying?

Oh yeah - I feel like shit on a shingle. One of my Mom's favorite sayings.

I keep getting mystery infections. By the time they figure out what the hell is going on I've spent days with a fever, falling asleep every 2 hours.

Like a newborn.

The problems at home have gotten so toxic that I have started to look for a place of my own. Lots of luck on that front. Hurricane Sandy has contributed to a huge shortage of affordable housing in all of the counties I'd like to live in.

I hesitate to discuss my relationship with my daughter-in-law out of respect and love for Hope. I'm just going to say that it is impossible for us to exist in the same zip code let alone the same building - doesn't matter how big this freakin' house is. 

I can't contribute to this household on my disability income the way I did when I was working. That appears to be a punishable offense.

Anyhoo - I feel like I've already said too much and that I'm whining. Neither is attractive.

I think I'll try to post more on  The Photo Blog  and I will do my best to visit.

Be kind to one another - you have no idea how important that is.

Look! Up in the Sky!

At the marina taking photos of the gulls a chorus of honking approached. It took a moment to find them in the sky and as soon as I did I took as many shots as I could.

Oh well, I returned to the gulls.

I had been leaning on a fence near the water's edge with my cane resting beside me. My balance is off since it's the left ankle and right hip that are most damaged but as long as I have an anchor point I'm usually fine.

The noise started up again. I grabbed my cane and moved toward the sound. They were really honking up a storm now as they circled the marina. One hand on cane, other on camera I turned and turned trying to focus and shoot and hang on.

I was a bit dizzy after all that and I thought I was imagining that I couldn't move but actually I had screwed my cane deep into the sand and had caught the tip of it on a piece of exposed pipe. I was going to take a photo of it standing there on its own for your amusement but a young man walked by and pulled it out for me. He chuckled and said he admired my moves.

Only me.

I'm Not Here, and Not All There

I’ve been a lackluster blogger lately. Family drama, finances and health issues are weighing me down and I’m having a difficult time focusing for more than a few moments at a time.

I read someone’s post 3 times before it really registers and by then I don’t remember what I wanted to comment. I’m one of those bloggers who doesn’t like to post a lot or join a photo meme if she’s not going to visit others.

I was going to unload a few details of all my crapola but the family stuff involves others and I can’t figure out how to write about them and keep them anonymous at the same time. 

The finances are WTF could anyone do unless you win lotto and want to give me some money. 

And I’m so sick of my own body. I just fuckin’ hate it right now and don’t get me started on doctors; if all you want to do as a doctor is make money then be a plastic surgeon. Hell, the casts of the Real Housewives shows will send all your kids to Ivy League and let you have a trophy wife and a whore.

If you’re a Primary Care doctor than take care of primary needs and fucking care a bit.

So there I am. I’ll get over myself. 

Love Youse Guys

Life Is ...

... not a box of chocolates I'm sorry to tell Forrest Gump. Not this week.

It's more like ...

a traffic jam and an oncoming truck.

The unseasonably warm and humid weather this week has made me hazy. And grouchy.
I'm always grouchy when I'm spritzing.

The cats have not had a good week. Siren's meds are not working long enough but to increase the frequency would cause other issues. We've been working on more nutritional and holistic treatments but if you know cats then you know that the smallest change to their routine is very stressful to them. Isadora goes to the vet this morning. She's been hiding and crying and I'm not sure why.

My battle with the bank over a mortgage modification based on my huge drop in income heats up next week and I'm not looking forward to that.

I haven't seen Hope at all this week and if there was ever a need for a good shot of Hope it was this week. She's been going to after school activities and to her aunt's house since their new baby is due any day now. I'm thrilled that she's so excited but I'm also selfishly wanting my time with her.

I feel a long series of whines and bitches coming on so that's enough for now.

Oy

Dear Candidate Romney

I read what you are quoted as telling a group of $50,000 a plate donors about people like me. (see bottom of post) I read it several times. I scoured the internet looking for places where someone at the closed door gathering might be offering a different recollection.


Then I came to the conclusion that you said what you said and meant what you said.

You claim you were quoted out of context – uh, there’s a video – and that your comments were not “elegantly stated”.

Not elegantly stated? Were you wearing the wrong tuxedo when you said them?

As a member of your 47% I’d like to share some thoughts and facts (those are things that are true) with you.

Go fuck yourself and the rich Daddy you rode in on.

I have worked since I was 13 years old.
I was raised by an alcoholic Father and a clinically depressed Mother.
My siblings and I were neglected and abused all of our childhood.
We went to school. We studied. We worked hard to get out.
We got out.

I have paid taxes since my very first “real” job.

When I was promoted to EVP and board member of a large international firm I paid more in taxes than many people earn in a year. I never once cheated. I never once loopholed. I had enough money to live comfortably; why shouldn’t I pay taxes.

When the once private firm where I had worked diligently for years was sold and then sold again and then cut up into pieces and decimated by a firm similar to your Bain Capital I lost my job. Hundreds of people lost their jobs.
The people who bought and sold us got very rich.
I sat in on board meetings where laws were laughed at and where intricate plans were made to get around regulations.
I regret not trying to be a whistle blower but I had a child to care for.
And the people who were taking the company apart scared me.

I was much younger then; they wouldn’t scare me today.
Today I’m scared of dying from lack of proper healthcare.
Today I'm scared of losing my home.

After losing my job I started my own business.

Yes, I started it on my own but it was on a street that was built and maintained by city road crews.
When I worked late I felt safe because there were police officers paid by the government.
That’s what President Obama meant when he said no one does it alone.

Not the bullshit you tried to spin his comments into.

As a small business owner I paid my taxes.
I insured myself and my workers.
I treated them fairly and respected their talents and their humanity.

I had healthcare insurance at $1500 a month and Disability insurance at $200 a month.
From the same insurance carrier who loved me and cared about me for the 20 years that I was a paying customer.

Then I got hurt.
Then a chronic health issue that I had managed all my life took a nasty turn.
It was hard to work and I decided to apply for some of the benefits I had been sold.

Guess what? Insurance companies don’t like keeping promises.
Four years later I am still fighting for full coverage.

I’m also still paying my bills and paying taxes.

I am not fodder for you and your richie rich pals to laugh at.

I am not a sound byte for your pathetic campaign.

Next we'll talk about how you really feel about the Palestinians and Isreal.I'll be writing again soon Mitt. Have a nice day.

From the Mother Jones website - and everywhere else in the universe.
Mitt said ...

There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that's an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…These are people who pay no income tax.

My job is is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.

First Do No Harm

This post is a bit longer than usual because of all the dialogue (hehehehehe) and because I just had to stop editing; the subject makes my blood boil and I couldn’t read it one more time.

So you have high blood pressure and low pressure
Excuse me
That’s what you circled

I had noted that historically my blood pressure has been normal or low but on my last clinic visit it was high; I tried to explain that to him

Would you like to see the meds they gave me?
No response
I sat there holding out the med bottle; finally I shook it at him and he took it
He barely looked at it and then he threw it on the examining table that was between us

And so began the appointment with the primary care physician I have been waiting for since February

He stood at a little shelf near the door, his body mostly turned away from me
There was a chair and writing desk right next to me
He rifled through the medical history booklet I had filled out as if he were handling explosives wrapped in garbage

You’ve had an arthritis work-up
Nothing was ever posed as a question but as an accusation
No, I’ve tried to tell you twice now that I have not had any medical care other than the emergency clinic in five years. Did I circle yes to arthritis? I don’t think I did
You circled muscle and joint pain and mobility limits
And that can only be from arthritis?
No answer

The visit had started on a positive note. The medical assistant was pleasant and professional. We talked about how I had cut down on how much I smoke and had still been able to lose a few pounds as well. I told her that I wished I could walk more but the pain got in the way as did my balance issues. She said I should ask the doctor for a walker prescription as other patients used them for exercise and found them helpful. She was encouraging.

You need to lose weight and stop smoking
I know, I ….
I was about to ask him about the walker but he interrupted me once again

I don’t treat smokers
Excuse me?
I don’t treat smokers

Then why am I going through all of this. I indicated how much I smoke on the survey. I told your assistant I smoked. Why would you spend all this time being so rude and abrupt when you had no intention of treating me?

I think you’re overlaying your negative attitude onto me

Really. My negative attitude. This dick had just spent 15 minutes being abusive and I was the negative one.

I had hoped to be able to put up with him long enough to get an orthopedic referral but now I did what I had wanted to do about two minutes in …

Up out of the chair, grasping my cane to keep from throwing something at his face, I told him what a piece of shit he was. My face felt hot and I imagine my blood pressure was real high. I got that whirring sound in my head that indicates rage.

You fucking piece of shit. Look at you. With your short sleeved dress shirt buttoned all the way up. You’re a pussy boy. You get off on judging people. I imagine you really hate your patients. They must get in the way of the time you spend with internet porn and role playing games. Bet you’re a wizard in some chat room somewhere you miserable sack of crap.

By this time I have flung open the examining room door and I’m desperately trying to keep my balance – literally and emotionally.

I see the exit sign and as I head for it I see this woman in a nurse’s uniform charging down the hall and reaching out for the doctor’s arm. Swear, she had to be 100 years old.

As I kicked open the back exit to the parking lot I heard a voice that sounded like mine

There ya go pussy boy, momma nurse will protect you from the big fat smoking monster. Go bury your head in her tits you fucking asshole.

I was parked right there by the door and I have no recollection of leaving the lot. I had to pull over a few moments later when I realized my seat belt beeper was screaming. I sat there shaking and crying for a bit and then I took a deep breath and drove home.

I wonder if I need to look for another doctor.

This was last Thursday. Today I found another doctor and will be seeing her next week. I told her receptionist what had happened with the first doctor and was assured that this doctor treats everyone.

Cookies and Crapola - Week 6

A wee bit of crapola - I finally have an appointment for the primary care doc, it's May 10th. Yep - takes a month to get an appointment. Then comes the beginning of referrals and ...
Frustrating but so much better than nothing.

Happy 65th Birthday to David Letterman. He is, in my humble opinion, the best (other than Carson) and always will be. He brought irreverence to late night and was the first to do on the street skits and to include the audience as part of the joke.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker helped save his neighbor from a fire. Booker arrived home Thursday evening to discover the apartment next door on fire. A member of his security detail was already getting people out of the building when Booker was told that there was one woman still inside. Booker ran in with another one of his security people, found the woman in a back room and carried her out through a kitchen that was fully engulfed. The woman suffered burns on her back and is in the hospital. Booker was treated for smoke inhalation and burns on his hand and was released late that night.

Hope had a park play date with her best friend Daniel and one of the Moms took this photo. Daniel doesn't look thrilled to be hugged but Hope is clearly happy.

We're celebrating a Big Fat Greek Easter tomorrow with a house full of people.

Have a Good One Everyone.

Cookies and Crapola - Week 4

I have spared you from me all week but now ...

I'm afraid there is mostly crapola this week. As Jon Stewart would say - "let's take a closer look at this clusterfuck"

My entire big fat head is encased in infection. My sinuses, my gums; I think my hair might need to be shaved off to allow my head to bake in the sun.

For several weeks now my bad ankle, the one that needs surgery if I ever get to see a doctor, has been hurting more than usual. I have the support boot I got four years ago and I wear it on really bad days but I'm not even sure if it fits correctly anymore. I could be doing more harm than good.

And so I pamper it by walking at an odd tilt

Which of course causes all other sorts of issues.

I am so sick of myself. Cleaning, laundry, errands, taking care of the cats - they all become larger than they are.

I know to stay in the moment and I practice gratitude and humor yet sometimes ...

like an idiot ...

I get frustrated.

I'll bounce back ...

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning to do afterward.

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Cookies and Crapola - Week 3

Let's start with a cookie in the oven. I think I have finally found a primary care physician. Now I just need to wait for the insurance company to confirm my choice, then wait for an appointment, then ...

After finally getting coverage for the first time in nearly 4 years it's so frustrating that it takes months to find a doctor.

It's not like healthcare is time sensitive or anything

I want to adopt Jennifer Lawrence. I didn't know much about the actress before the media circus for 'The Hunger Games' started. I saw her on the red carpet at some award show and thought she looked like every other tall blond actress in a tight dress. I was wrong.

She's incredibly funny and sweet and self-deprecating. She gave a wonderful interview to David Letterman. When asked about dealing with the red carpet she said she had to remember "to suck it all in" and was usually so nervous that she "acted like a chihuahua, shaking and peeing"

And what goes with cookies?
Ice cream of course

I said I could do it myself, I didn't say it would be easy

Have a good weekend everybody
Today is Chocolate Covered Raisin Day so have some, fruit is good for you.

Cookies and Crapola

My new favorite saying. An elderly woman at the grocery introduced me to it when a ridiculous display of coffee started to fall on me as I gingerly tried to pull out a can. I muttered 'fuck this' under my breath and, as she breezed by me on her motorized chair, she laughed and said ' it's always cookies and crapola my dear'.

It's been a busy week. The last of the old office equipment was dragged out of the basement and taken to the recycling yard. After that I took Hope to the park ...

On Wednesday I was out all day in search of wellness. I finally got Medicare coverage and navigated the treacherous waters of supplementary coverage but I can't find a primary care physician. Cookies and Crapola.

On my way to an appointment I saw these lovely young people ...

They thought I was taking pictures to report them for some biking infraction. I told them I took their picture because they were so "fucking free and beautiful". That made them happy and taught them not to assume.

Wednesday evening the moon peeked at me as I went to my first Tai Chi Chih class. More about the class once I feel I know what I'm talking about.

May your weekend be more Cookies than Crapola.

Ouch, Ow, Oy

What with the basement clearing and the wedding and endless BS in trying to straighten out healthcare I have been running around a lot for the past few weeks and it has just BAM! WHAM! caught up to me.

My balls are about the only things that don't hurt.

There's a lot to be said for pushing forward and soldiering on and mind over matter and all that jazz but I think I sometimes take it to extremes.

Even all the driving to SSA offices and weddings and my aunt's house and recycling centers has become too much

I know it's out of control when I have balance issues and when I'm so uncomfortable that I can't focus or concentrate or even remember what I'm doing while I'm doing it.

So I'm listening to my body and taking it easier.

Just because no one around me accepts my limitations doesn't mean I shouldn't.

thanks for listening

and as always, there is Hope

Worker Bunny

No, not this type ...

This is Worker Bunny...

She was made for me by a young woman who worked for me when I had my office in Brooklyn. She was going to school and babysitting regularly for 3 children and working for me - and making things for craft fairs. She said that before meeting me she didn't think anyone worked as many hours as she did. The business was doing so well that sometimes I would sleep at the office to take calls from Europe and Asia and to meet deadlines.

And so Worker Bunny was born ...

Since moving to NJ Worker Bunny has been living in the basement office. Yesterday she got a bath in the delicate cycle and moved upstairs.

Work on clearing out the basement has progressed. The kid across the street is helping me and I have gotten better and better at letting go of things. I will admit that there have been moments - it's hard to close down a business that you worked so hard to build.

But at least Worker Bunny gets a well earned rest.

A Tisket, A Tasket

Now what do I use as a basket?

I bored Siren with my requests that he move

At least he had the respect to turn away before he stuck his tongue out at me

The debris field that is my home is really getting on my nerves. After moving so much stuff up here from the basement during Hurricane Irene I decided not to just schlep it all back down but to go through it and let go of crap. Less to clean, less to store, less to move next time.

I hate when I make sense.

Add to that the need to pull out winter clothes and put away summer clothes and I'm screwed.

Everything takes me so freakin' long. The aches or the heat of a torn muscle kick in sooner and sooner. It's frustrating and it gets me down.

Yet I am a constant source of amusement for Siren and Isadora.

I Am Proof of Evolution ...

... because I am devolving.

My ankle, hip, knees, back issues got so bad this week that I could only get around by walking slow and stooped over.
Ironically I got hurt while having X-Rays taken for the SSA but that's another story.

Sunday I went to the grocery and between the exit and my car I had to stop twice to deep breathe through the pain. Sometimes I get in people's way but as you can see from the shot right above their convenience is so important to me.

I'm so uncomfortable and so exhausted from dealing with it that I get confused easily - is this the ATM? a drive-thru? where the hell am I?

Well meaning people tell me water therapy would really help yet ...

... they never ask if I can swim

I looked up all my meds and discovered that bloat and weight gain - along with suicidal thoughts and dry mouth - are some of the side effects.

I also found a Yoga for Scoliosis web-site ...

One bit of advice - wear a sports bra. You too ladies.

It all just makes me want to plotz.