Sheldon

Ever since the famous line from ‘When Harry Met Sally’ - “Have sex with me Sheldon, you're an animal Sheldon, ride me big Sheldon” – I have loved the name Sheldon.
It’s endearing. It’s nerdy and geeky in a sexy way.

Just like the character Sheldon from the TV show ‘Big Bang Theory’.

How can you not love someone who turns rock-paper-scissors into …

Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Or has conversations like this …

Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid!
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Penny is the “dumb blonde” character although actress Kaley Cuoco makes the role more genuine, less sterotype.

The actor who portrays Sheldon – Jim Parsons - won the Emmy this year for Best Actor in a Comedy Series. I was rooting for him.

Parsons often appears on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and so I feel I know a bit more of him and how he differs from Sheldon. I find him more endearing and sexy – less nerdy and geeky.

You Go Sheldon – uh – Jim!

"They're Just Like Big Dogs ..."

Anyone who knows me knows that I adore all things Craig Ferguson and so I watched his Shark Week special on The Discovery Channel. I normally shy away from Shark Week and shows like it; I feel they sensationalize animal attacks and are far too forgiving of the humans who caused the trouble to begin with.

If you’re in a wild animal’s environment then respect the animal. I was pleased that this was the exact philosophy of Craig’s dive buddy - a lovely young man named Chang Sein Chin. I can’t find much info about him but you can check out the Dive Center they used HERE

I learned a few things – a Bull Shark has a testosterone level of 900. The average human male’s level is 40. Imagine a Bull Shark at a frat party!?

Sharks hold onto each other with their teeth when mating. This leaves bite scars. Been there – Done that.

Interwoven with scenes of Craig being adorable and funny and scared shitless at the notion of hand feeding sharks there was (for me) far too many scenes of hanging human flesh and blood in the water. There goes Discovery again – if it bleeds, it leads.

Yet – Craig and his dive buddies so clearly felt a sense of wonder while among the sharks and so I ignored the unnecessary shark attack footage.

The best part of the 60 minute show is the last 15 minutes. Craig is taught how to hand feed the sharks and they all descend to a prepared area and then later move onto a beautiful old wrecked ship. The warmth of the rusty colors beside the shimmer of sharks and men in metal mesh suits was beautiful.

The look of awe and enchantment on Craig’s face when he came up from the dive is one of his most endearing moments. “I fed them, I really fed them” he tells everyone on deck.

He goes on to describe the sharks as beautiful, magnificent, amazing, and my favorite – “they’re just like big dogs” - said with a giant grin.

You can view some great clips from the show HERE







I got the above photos from TMZ. Who knew there was paparazzi underwater!!

I Am So Over Summer

Now that Hope's birthday has come and gone may we please skip right to September?

The temperature in my back yard reads 105. I feel like I'm in freakin' Arizona; I keep looking over the fence to see if there's someone I should shoot first and ask for papers later.

One Hundred and Five Degrees! That's just ridiculous.

Hope's party was a success. An excess of course, but Hope was happy and her tiny guests had a great time in the pool.

I'll share a few photos later this week. I took 319 and I haven't edited yet.

July 4th sucked. It's always been one of my least favorite holidays. I don't get the need to be drunk and shoot off illegal fireworks in order to celebrate freedom.

My newest neighbors - over the fence behind me - all look like this ...



... and spent the entire 4th eating and drinking out of the back of a red pick-up. The moment the sun set they spent hours shooting off loud and obnoxious fireworks. No color or beauty, just noise and gun powder. Drunk, loud, and dangerous. God Bless America.

At the end of the day on the 4th I turned to Craig Ferguson and the Boston Pops. That sucked too.

As if I hadn't had enough white trash for the day this asshat was featured guest ...



He loves the troops so much he just can't stop making money off them. In between his two musical segments they showed enough footage of Toby "in country" to make you assume he was the new leader of the axis of goodness.

I watched as if I were an alien to this great land. Not the kind they send back as soon as they're done mowing the lawn but the kind from another planet.

Apparently Lady Liberty is only TV worthy if she has big bazonkers ...



All soldiers are damn happy to put themselves in harm's way for no good reason. They kept cutting to one kid who looked positively possessed by the patriotic fever as he staggered about punching the flag on his uniform shoulder and shouting "Oh Yeah".

Children are all blonde and angelic and nestle perfectly into the arms of adoring parents as they all stare wistfully at 2.5 million dollars worth of crap shoot into the air.

I always think of all the bits of paper and powder dropping into the river. And the sparks. If they had a fireworks show anywhere on the Gulf Coast I imagine this might happen ...



Even Craig couldn't lighten the show for me. Although I did imagine he was wearing these ...



... under his suit.

That's dedicated to you RON

Is it September yet?

TV That Is Safe For Ideas

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson: An Evening with Archbishop Desmond Tutu will air for the second time on Monday night at 12:37 on CBS – that’s actually Tuesday morning



It is so worth watching.

The Peabody has been awarded to this episode. The Peabodiers describe it this way …

As this fascinating, often funny interview attests, the Scottish-born Ferguson has made late-night television safe again for ideas.

Yes he has.

As one of his fans who “found” him I’m very pleased and proud.

Now, if you watch this show, you watch it because you found it. No one told you it was on. There’s no bus ads for Craigy, there’s no billboards, there’s no promotion. You found this show because you found it.
And if you’ve stayed with it any length of time it’s because you’re interested .. maybe. And I am.
And I feel — I kind of deny this quite a lot but I do feel a certain connection and kinship with the audience because of that.~ Craig Ferguson

My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.
~ Desmond Tutu

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
~ Victor Borge

You can read more about the Peabody Awards and all the 2010 winners HERE

You can learn more about Desmond Tutu at his FOUNDATION WEBSITE

The Biggest Piece of Crap at NBC

I'm not a Conan O'Brien fan. Before Craig Ferguson came along late, late night TV was reading a book. I think Conan is a wonderful comedy writer, I just don't enjoy his comedic delivery.

Yet right now I'd gladly punch Jay Leno in his big fat distorted face for Conan. Conan took a million years off and re-located his family so they could move Leno to 10 PM and get Jimmy Fallon started.

It was an asshat move to begin with and now NBC is scrambling to fix it by talking about moving Leno back to 11:30 and moving everyone down by a half hour. So Conan ends up half-assed in his old time slot. And poor Jimmy Fallon gets the dead air reserved for the likes of Carson Daly.

Speaking of Carsons. Johnny Carson wanted David Letterman to get The Tonight Show but Leno chinned his way in there. Then he blamed everyone else for the ugliness. If you're going to be a two chinned weasel then at least be ruthless enough to take credit for it.

Grow a pair Jay!

Better yet - Just fucking retire. You suck at stand-up. Your monologues are pathetic. You're an ass kissing interviewer.

Get in one of your 500 classic cars and take a long, long road trip. Think Thelma and Louise.

He Figured It Out ...

Every time I think I can't possibly come up with another example of why Craig Fergsuon is brilliant he provides another example.

Watch this pre-monologue spot. It's priceless. Craig usually opens his show with insane and absurd puppet segments or bits with audience members. He's only got 2 or 3 minutes before CBS insists a round of commercials be shown - they used to interrupt his monologue but there was such an uproar from viewers that they came up with the "beginning spot" instead.

Craig does more with these few moments than most comedians do with an entire set.

Especially Monday night ...



and as always, there is Hope ...

For Your Viewing Pleasure ... I Recommend ...

I’m posting today in my capacity as self appointed publicist for Craig Ferguson.

Craig has a comedy special airing this weekend. You can see ‘A Wee Bit O’ Revolution’ on Comedy Central this Sunday, March 22 at 10 PM EST. And of course one of the wonders of basic cable Comedy Central is that they will then repeat the special throughout the month.

Much like the way I repeat going to his stand-up shows. I’ve said it before – it is not stalking if you buy a ticket.



You can see 2 short clips of the special HERE and HERE although neither of them is a very good showing of how wonderfully funny and enchanting Craig is.

You can also view tons of videos from his late night show HERE AT THE OFFICIAL CBS SITE

There are so many reasons to see Craig’s stand-up show. He is delightful to look at – in person the blue eyes sparkle and his energy just flies off the stage. I won’t deny that his Scottish accent is music to my ears but it’s what he says that is truly magical. Rather than tell joke after joke Craig reinvents the lost art of storytelling. From the tale of his first visit to America at the age of 13 through his drinking days and up to his current standing as newly married – third time’s the charm – and winning the ratings war with that other guy – Jiminy Cricket is his name? – Craig will not disappoint.

Treat yourself this weekend. Celebrate spring with a wee touch of the fresh air of comedy that is Craig Ferguson.

A DVD version of his comedy special goes on sale Tuesday, March 24. I ordered several copies early – to avoid disappointment.

When The Universe Speaks

Anger is a powerful emotion, rage is “hawt” and a good rant is almost as good as good sex.

But …

Woman can not live by rage alone. In responding to comments on yesterday’s post I mentioned the unholy trio of humor and irony and snark - and trust me – I love them and I’ll never forsake them.

But …

Sometimes the universe sends you a signal. Actually the universe is always sending signals; we’re just too busy to receive. I woke up really early this morning and decided to watch The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. He’s always on my DVR. Expecting the usual hilarity I was a bit disappointed to see his guest would be Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I thought I wasn’t in the mood for any serious talk. How silly of me to underestimate both of them.

Their conversation was wonderful. Craig proved again that he can talk to anyone about anything and I was reminded once more that Desmond Tutu is a lovely man. He has a wonderful giggling laugh and tells fantastic stories.

At one point in their conversation Craig was rewarded by Father Tutu with a gentle pat on the hand and a brilliant smile for this quote …

“Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die”

I have seen this quote attributed to author and all around rascal Malachy McCourt.

Craig and Archbishop Tutu continued their conversation about the balance of good and evil, about the resiliency of the human spirit and about the grace required to achieve true freedom.


In a complete full circle moment, as Oprah would say, a friend called me to remind me that today was the day Ken Starr was going to court to continue his assault on gay families. He was planning on watching live feed with his husband and children and was just touching base with me since he claims that, in the past, I have made him feel calmer and given him something to hold on to. I told him about my rant from yesterday and then told him I had just watched Craig and Archbishop Tutu.

He loved that I mentioned Tutu since it reminded him of this …

Archbishop Tutu has vocally challenged discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. In a 2004 article in The Times (London), he condemned persecution on the basis of sexual orientation, comparing it to apartheid. "We struggled against apartheid in South Africa, supported by people the world over, because black people were being blamed and made to suffer for something we could do nothing about—our very skins," he wrote. "It is the same with sexual orientation. It is a given. I could not have fought against the discrimination of apartheid and not also fight against the discrimination that homosexuals endure, even in our churches and faith groups."

And that made him - and me - feel stronger.

If you would like to see the Craig and Archbishop Tutu episode go HERE

If you would like to help protect my friend’s family and all the others from Ken Starr and people like him you can sign a petition HERE

While there click on the ‘Launch The Wall’ button – the lies and ugliness there needs to be drowned out. The darkness there needs to have a giant light shining down upon it.

And on we go …

the photo of Craig and Father Tutu is from The Late Late Show site linked above
the photo of that beautiful family is from The Huffington Post

When You're Happy For Someone You (don't) Know

Craig Ferguson got married over the holidays. Look at them - I f'ing hate shiny happy people.

Anyone who watches Craig's show knows he often admonishes his audience - "You don't know me!" - and of course we don't.

But there are public figures who cross your path in the not real world and find a spot in your heart. Isn't that part of what art is for? Connecting strangers through personal expression on a large scale.

Actually Craig is indirectly responsible for me blogging.

When I first discovered his show - Late Late Show on CBS 12:37 AM EST watch it, screw Conan - and Fallon? WTF? - he had just started. I vaguely remembered him from Drew Carey's show and didn't like him much. I was working for the Evil Empire Corporation at the time and the last thing I was in the mood for was an obnoxious Brit - I worked with them all day and had just ended a tumultuous love affair with one.

Insomnia won out and I stuck with Craig and quickly realized how brilliant he is. His monologue is pure genius. Talk about forks off a moment - he weaves in and out of subjects with astounding skill.

And he sure ain't hard to look at.

Since I live amongst people who actually sleep at night I found message boards about Craig and encountered some of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. Craig was unknown so the boards were small and personal and interesting. We would gush a bit but mostly we ended up off topic.

Unfortunately for message board life but so well deserved for him Craig became more popular. He wrote a book. His ratings went up. He started doing stand-up. I've seen his stand-up 7 times in 3 years. It's not stalking if you buy a ticket.

And the boards became too high school for me. Yes the guy is good looking but unless he's going to come to NJ and screw me senseless I can't discuss his looks for more than 30 seconds. And people get very possessive of celebrities and that has always made my skin crawl. His newer fans came to discuss his personal life, bash that incredibly lovely looking lady he just married and just be overall toxic asshats.

I had already been off topic on the boards more than any site master should allow so I realized blogging was a far better way of expression here on the Internet Tubes.

I "met" Craig at his book signing - he is an endearing person. He walks with his head down a bit - I have always loved that in people - it signals a human vulnerability. He looks right at you when he speaks to you - he did it over and over that night - even for some crazy bitches who really should have a restraining order tattooed on their heads. He says thank you for every kind word. He appears genuinely surprised and delighted that you like him.

His talent speaks for itself in every monologue he delivers. In every rant he spits out at his desk. In every silly skit he throws himself into.

I'm not a celebrity person. I don't visit fan sites. I don't pay much mind to gossip.

I adore talent. I love people with quick minds and sharp tongues. I have so much respect for people who spill their guts - as Craig has done many times - most notably when his Dad died, when he talked about his own struggle with alcohol and very recently when his Mom died.

I know I don't know him but I know him.

Ya know?

Congratulations Craig and Megan.


the photo is from jackbook.com

"THERE'S NO SUSPENDING DEMOCRACY!"

I never post this close together but this is just too topical to wait. I hope you'll scroll down and say Hi to Cloris Leachman.

The delightful thing about comedy, good comedy, is that it is rooted in truth. The Loves of My Late Night Life proved that Wednesday.

Christopher Webber from Political-Machine describes David Letterman’s monologue -

McCain was supposed to appear on "The Late Show" tonight but canceled at the last minute to (stage a political stunt) focus with a laser-like intensity on the economy. At the taping this afternoon, Dave showed his unhappiness, and his political savvy -
"You don't suspend your campaign. This doesn't smell right. This isn't the way a tested hero behaves." And he joked: "I think someone's putting something in his metamucil.""He can't run the campaign because the economy is cratering? Fine, put in your second string quarterback, Sarah Palin. Where is she?""What are you going to do if you're elected and things get tough? Suspend being president? We've got a guy like that now!"

It's funny cuz it's true.

Here’s the video of Dave’s monologue


Dave went on during his Top 10 List:

Top Ten Questions People Are Asking the John McCain Campaign
10 - "I just contributed to your campaign -- how do I get a refund?"
9 - "It's Sarah Palin -- does this mean I'm Pars'dent?"
8 - "Can't you solve this by selling some of your homes?"
7 - "Hi, this is Clay Aiken. Is McCain single?"
6 - "Do you still think the fundamentals of our economy are strong, genius?"
5 - "Are you doing all this just to get out of going on Letterman?"
4 - "What would Matlock do?"
3 - "Hillary here -- my schedule is free Friday night"
2 - "Is this just an excuse to catch up on napping?"
1 - "This is President Bush -- what's all this trouble with the economy?”

All of this is especially wonderful to me since McCain showed what a douchebag (Hi Brooklyn) he is by pulling this transparent stunt at the 11th hour – as Dave so gleefully points out – again and again. And the only coverage of Caribou Barbie that I caught was her wagging her Mommy finger at the camera and talking about how the whole country is looking to John McCain for guidance. Bitch Please!

The night continues into Craig Ferguson’s show. I quote him in the title.

Dave is never more sexy to me than when he is saying stuff without saying stuff but making his point crystal clear.

Craig is never more sexy to me than when he is indignant and on one of his incredibly articulate rants.

Here is the link to Craig’s monologue. I could not find a version to embed.
Craig at CBS

Ya know – I made myself sick yesterday – physically, mentally, emotionally sick – over how crass and cold and disgusting McCain/Palin and many of their supporters are. This country lies on the brink of a huge upheaval and they are nothing but dead rock in our way. Unfortunately many of the rocks have far more power and money than they are entitled to – greedy bastards.

BUT – there is always laughter. Laughter heals – Laughter brings people together – and Laughter can carry a message far and wide.

SHUT UP! I'm Watching the Convention

As my friend OLDOLDLADY OF THE HILLS mentioned in her last post if you want to actually watch the convention then tune in to C-SPAN.

If you want to watch idiots entertaining morons while congratulating themselves on their coverage then watch the mainstream media. I especially love it when the trains at Union Station drown out MSNBC. Even inanimate objects have had enough.

I loved Hillary’s speech. It was exuberant and resilient. It was graceful and powerful. I have never been a Hillary fan but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect her intelligence and accomplishments. Subtlety and context keep getting pushed further down the line as we become more about sound bytes and snark, as we slide into a nation with the attention span of a gnat. Just because I have supported Barack from day one doesn’t mean I can’t see the value in others.

I’m troubled by but not surprised at the calls for the speakers to be nastier. After all this is entertainment right? This isn’t about catching a country before it implodes. This isn’t about making history. This isn’t about reminding Americans that we’re all one. Of course not! This is about snatching a moment worthy of YouTube. This is about coming up with a headline the NY Post can twist. Really! Where are our priorities?

The most telling comments on the disintegration of our national mind came when yet another roundtable discussed the “tone” Barack Obama wanted for the convention. They mocked his call to unite, they spit out the word “bipartisan” as though it should be bleeped. One asshat said this kind of tone was “good for governing” but “disastrous during an election”. WTF!? Isn’t an election about deciding who should govern? No wonder we’re shocked and disappointed by who we end up with! We didn’t let them speak genuinely and if they did we didn’t listen.

I love a good slogan as much as the next guy. Senator Bob Casey from PA got me and the crowd going with chants of “Four More Months-Four More Months”. The fact that he, as an opponent of abortion rights, was invited to speak when his father was banned 20 years ago wasn’t greeted as a sign of maturity and democracy – it was mocked.

I loved when Hillary referred to her supporters as “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits” and was touched and relieved when she asked the very important question – “Were you in this for me or …” I watched the faces in the crowd and saw many light bulbs go off. That question came from a true statesperson, from someone who knows the bigger picture doesn’t need her face to be in it. The bigger picture needs us.

It was but moments after her speech and the news outlets already had body language experts analyzing Hillary to decide if she meant what she said. They had people on the convention floor looking for the one cynic, the one disgruntled supporter. One reporter cornered Spike Lee and tried and tried to make him angry, to make him say something they could elaborate on for hours. Good Lord if you can’t get Spike to spit out some angry words maybe you need to accept that there aren’t any.

So I’ll continue to tune into C-SPAN and I’ll continue to think about words all on my own, I can do that. I am a grown ass woman who doesn’t need anyone to explain things to her. I’ll drop by the other channels just to see what’s cooking. I’m not above needing to peek at a train wreck. Then I’ll go back to listening and thinking and believing that people might just mean what they say. I’m so grateful that there weren’t 24 hours news shows owned by giant corporations 232 years ago. “The best damn idea for a country” (to quote Craig Ferguson) would never have come to be.

Just Forking Around

Sorry about the title – as Craig Ferguson says – “I made myself laugh and that’s half the battle”. I really do enjoy bad puns – they’re stupid and low brow and show a distinct lack of imagination, I like to think of them as my homage to our President.

But I digress …

It’s official – Sunday and Monday have become one long continuous day. It appears I’ll be stuck working both days every weekend for awhile and I need to adjust to that. I’m a bit pissed about this development; Sunday mornings are my favorite part of the week. Now I open my eyes and almost immediately feel my back still aches, my feet hurt and I have to get to the store. I’m going to need to decide what to do about Everyday Kindness Sunday wrap-up. So typical of me, it’s only an official thing for me but I still feel the
need to negotiate with myself about how to re-schedule it, and let me tell ya – I am a bitch negotiator. There are positives to working Saturday and Sunday; it leaves me more time for my real job during the week when clients expect to find me and I’ve always preferred doing errands and stuff in the middle of the day on a weekday – less crowds, less screaming kids, less traffic. So there – I’ll focus on that.

I saw “walking woman” Saturday night – I caught a glimpse of her going into “creepy guy walking dogs” house as I drove by. She was dressed up – a Saturday night date perhaps!? I hope so and I really hope I run into her soon so I can get the full story.

Mia is doing OK – the sneezing has started back up a bit and her eyes seem more sensitive again so we’ll be going back to the vet this week. BUT – she’s eating and last night she had a full hour play session with my son. She actually ran and fetched toys and jumped on higher places and just plain looked so happy. Siren is super pissed about this. How dare anyone have fun without him. I was planning to go to phase 2 of the introductions – Mia in the giant kennel and Siren out and about where he can approach her, discover her so to speak, without hurting her. I’m putting that on hold til the vet visit. So for now they communicate through the screen door – Mia hisses and growls and attempts to punch Siren’s lights out while he stares at her with laser beams of death eyes. Eventually she goes back to sleep and he comes out to punish me.

I am working on the slide show – I’m just a wee bit tired these days.

I also have a bunch of things partially written; a scathing rant about the ‘art of distraction’ regarding the media’s attention to Obama’s minister and his supposed racist sermons, an expose of how workers are treated in large retail establishments, a little ditty about what it’s like to work long hours from home and a winding ramble about blogging and message boards – the virtual water cooler I call it. Due to lack of time or brain cells each of these pieces started to lose focus and I found myself veering off the path into places I wasn’t prepared to go so …

I’m feeling a bit forked up.

There’s a very specific reason I named the blog ‘Forks Off The Moment’ – my therapist told me too. Now that’s not really true but sometimes it feels as if it is. I always loved to write – as a child I composed these elaborate fairy tales that revolved around being anywhere but where I was. In my early teens I kept very poetic, uber serious journals about politics, Viet Nam, rock music, drugs, sex and being anywhere but where I was. One of my proudest academic moments was the reaction to a paper I wrote in High School discussing the symbolism and emotional appeal of the song ‘American Pie’ – good grades always came easy to me but this grade was like winning an Oscar. People got what I wrote, they found it important and interesting and were entertained by it – I was somewhere other than where I was. Typical of what was to become my thirty-something years of self-destructive, self-sabotaging brilliance I ditched going to college to study journalism and got pregnant by an alcoholic loser twice my age. Talk about a huge fork off the moment!

Back to why it’s all the therapist’s fault.

I’ve been to therapy a few times over the years; first with my son after his Dad disappeared and it seemed that anger would consume him, then again when my sister killed herself (ain’t we a cheery lot!?) and it seemed that anger and grief would consume us all and finally (I think) this past fall – right before I started the blog – because I simply decided that being in my 50s was going to be better than the previous 4 decades. That brave decision was immediately followed by panic and depression the likes of which stunned me. The therapist thinks I need to practice living in the moment until I can learn to manage the dark places my mind takes me. Regardless of how many times I have survived something, fixed something, rescued something I always feel, always imagine, that the next time will be the end of me. When my business was struggling I stayed awake all night making plans on how to be homeless; would I go to a shelter? – would I live under a bridge? (I have troll fantasies) – what about Siren!? – how would I care for him under a bridge? – could I manage his carrier in my shopping cart? From zero to sixty! I fork off the moment.

Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble finishing anything real. The Obama piece was taking me into my own personal experiences with racism which leads to intense negative feelings about my son’s in-laws. The piece about part-time retail workers made me so angry about this President (as if I needed one more reason) and his economic follies. The ditty about working from home got me to worrying about this current dry spell and trying to describe message boards put me in a bad mood over people who are rude and judgmental, not to mention ignorant and boring.

I’m so grateful to Raven for Wordzzle and to REH for the PFC challenge. These trips into writing fiction are enjoyable and (I hope/I think) are making me a better writer. Plus they create a perfect opportunity to discover new blogs. Which reminds me, I have to update my bookmarks and my sidebar and …

More later - when the traffic jam in my head eases up.

Everyday Kindness: Happy News and Unclaimed Baggage

Well – it’s Everyday Kindness Sunday on Monday. Work and storms and power outages took time away from me, not to mention losing an hour of sleep. But hell – “time is only linear for referees and engineers” says Craig Ferguson. If you want a great read get his book – “Between the Bridge and the River”.

So:

Mia is doing so much better. The meds are working; her sneezing turned to a little wheezing and now I can actually hear her purr, and her eyes are getting clearer every day. She met Siren twice, through a screen door, and it was mostly staring and being a big bully on his part and lots of hissing and growling on her part – whichever cat is hissing is the one who is feeling vulnerable so that’s going to need some work. And she is eating!! Woo-Hoo! Fatter and stronger = the better to deal with Siren.

Remember “walking woman” and “creepy guy walking his dogs”? She’s the lovely lady who is struggling to get healthier by walking around the neighborhood each evening and he’s the gentleman who really isn’t so creepy once you stop and talk to him/his dogs. He used to make “walking woman” nervous and she avoided him, then she decided to say Hi and befriend the dogs.

Well! – Last night I stopped at the diner on my way home from giant-ass retail store job and … as I waited for my tuna melt to go … what do I see? …

“Walking woman” and “creepy guy” at a booth, having coffee and pie, and laughing up a storm! I know! Budding romance perhaps? Certainly a lovely friendship. She looked positively radiant and he looked 10 years younger. I hid behind the cake display (fitting) – I really didn’t want to interrupt what looked like a delicious moment.

Bobbie turned me on to this interesting and worthwhile site. Please take a moment to check it out.
Every Human Has Rights

Originally this next saga was going to be Monday’s post. It was to be titled “I Think I Did it for Myself”. I would love to know what everyone/anyone thinks.

I started back to work at my sometimes second job – I’m a sales associate for a pretty good quality albeit snooty brand in a very large retail store. I originally took the job thinking I could work enough hours to make a bit of extra money and qualify for health insurance – my self-employed insurance premiums have reached $800 a month for not so good coverage. In November, on Black Friday (poetic ain’t it), I ended up in the ER being told stuff like “cat scratch fever”, “blood clot that goes to your heart and kills you” and my favorite – “didn’t this look dangerous to you!”

Siren had bitten me, as he has a million times before, a few days earlier. I cleaned the bite site and went about my merry way. How this turned into my leg becoming purple and swelling to elephant like proportions no one can explain to me. I think I may be allergic to the filthy, unnatural fibers of the store’s carpeting. I was treated for a severe systemic infection and took some medical leave from the store. The infection kept coming back, the leg kept swelling back up and I was catapulted into a miserable cycle of doctors and tests. To keep my wits sharp the insurance ass-hats (homage to REH and his union guy) put me through daily phone calls and tons of chain letters all designed to make me want to die as soon as I pay the next premium. It seems I don’t get it – I’m supposed to pay for health insurance but I am not supposed to use health insurance.

I have Scoliosis
– I almost wrote suffer from scoliosis but that’s a momentary feeling. All through my childhood and early teens I took the curve of my back, the one hip higher than the other and the frequent pain as just one more sign that I was different – freakishly different. Children can be incredibly cruel and I heard all the hunchback jokes their lovely little minds could invent.

When I was 17 I discovered that my problem could have easily been corrected had my parents been parents and not the insane wolves I had come to accept. At 17 the surgery would be daunting and most likely not successful. I found a physical therapist who taught me exercises that helped strengthen and lengthen and I coped. Coping has always been my thing. I cope real good until I don’t. Then I am a spectacular pile of old issues, unclaimed baggage – fueled by rage and grief and trauma. Yes – I have a therapist.

Fast forward to last Monday at the big-ass retail store. I’m cleaning up the clearance shoe aisle when I hear – “Oh and that one is back, what was wrong with her?” – I recognize the voice as the troll who works the register at the adjoining department. I can’t see her, she can’t see me and I have no idea who she’s talking to. I tell myself not to be paranoid. “… and she’s working limited shifts, nice!” – “wish I could get special treatment” – “have you seen that hump on her back, and the way she walks” – “by the end of the day she looks like hell” – “if you’re that disabled don’t get a job like this” – “just expects special treatment” – and on and on and on.

I stopped hearing at some point. My face became hot (and it wasn’t a hot flash), my head was spinning and all I could hear was static noise. Thankfully a customer spoke to me and I re-entered current space and time. Hearing my voice made the troll shut up.

I spent the rest of that day going back and forth – capable, calm adult to heartbroken, confused child. The most disconcerting emotion was the rage just waiting to boil over. Vivid images of picking up the troll (she’s about 4’9”) and launching her ugly gray haired head through the plate glass door danced in my mind.

In the break room I apparently looked so miserable that a co-worker asked what had happened. I told her and was immediately sorry I had. “We’re going to HR right now” – “OK, then we’ll tell ** (my manager)” – “she’s a horrible person and someone needs to get rid of her”.

And there it was – I was the top item on someone else’s agenda. Again. Still. It was never about me, it was always how I could fix it for someone else. The eldest child who spent her entire childhood trying to be worthy and to care for her brothers and sister came back. She collided full on with the angry teen who almost killed the abusive father and I could barely breathe.

Isn’t therapy designed to get rid of this crap? Yes – I know - there is work to be done.

This insanity spilled into the next shift. Co-worker one, in her all about her concern, told two people and they told two people … When I arrived at my department the troll looked like she wanted to disappear into the carpet. “Hostile workplace” – “harassment” – “fair treatment of the disabled” intermingled with “we’ll finally get that bitch” – “my daughter wants her job” – “I’ve always hated her”.

HR gets wind of the hoopla. Funny – when you actually go to HR and openly, clearly ask for something they never react. Apparently the pathetic rumor mill is the way to get things done. They ask me what happened. They tell me they’re there for me. I sit in the office and overhear “corporate will love this” – “…hire someone at half the rate” – “one less senior”.

Look at how important I am in the larger scheme of things! Oh My – the power I posses.

I tap on the door and ask them why I’m still here. Nothing happened, I don’t know what the hell is going on and I have no issues – no agenda – put the forms away, set the hot line phone down. The confused, disappointed looks on their faces gave me my first good laugh in days.

The troll was in my direct line of vision all the long walk back to my department. As I got closer the fear on her face was so clear it was sad. All the wind out of her sails, all the concern about losing the job she’s had for 20 years was etched there and almost made the cruel bitch human. My intention was to just pass her by. The store’s collective attention span is that of a gnat and this would all soon be replaced by which department manager is screwing which girl in receiving.

“I guess you feel good now that I’m getting fired”.

Calm, kind adult and rage crazed teen join hands. “No, you’re not getting fired. I didn’t say a god damned thing to them, they care less about me than you do”. “But …, What …, Oh …” sputters the troll. “Wow you’re finally speechless” says combination me. “Maybe you’ll think twice next time, you’re a very hurtful person, you’re a fucking bitch”. “I didn’t mean anything, I just get to talking and …” - “I suppose you’ll use this against me forever now” – the troll looked so small and old.

“No”, says calm kind adult “it’s done, you have your own shit to live with”.

Rage filled teen did need the last word and this I’ll have to work on. “Fuck with me again and I’ll break you in two and stuff you in the compactor” says rage filled teen, in all her spectacular inability to heal.

A friend who really knows me thinks I did the right thing. My co-workers think I’m nuts.

I think they’re all right.

Be Kind Out There.

A Sick Day Before I Die?

The pressure in my head is excruciating. When I swallow my ears make a crinkling sound (the bats in my belfry?), my eyes are red and tearing and my nose – oh my nose! I am making such horrid honking sounds that the golf course wants to hire me to scare the geese away. When I’m not honking I’m sniffling and making a vacuum type sucking sound that can’t be good. Where is all that stuff going!? Straight to my brain I assume.

Creating little mucus tumors that will burst and cause my head to explode.

It’s all the discomfort of being on a plane without getting to go anywhere!

I’ve always had sinus issues. I’m guessing it’s genetic – Mom always had headaches (crazy) and Dad was always sniffling (cocaine). Considering the family gene pool is awash in alcoholism, bi-polar disorder and just plain insanity I suppose I lucked out.

“Stop whining you big fat baby”

“It’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to”

I have decided I have an imaginary sidekick (sounds like psychic in a Scottish accent) and I have named him Craig Carson. Craig for Ferguson of course, and Carson for Carson Kressley, the adorable, supportive sweetheart from “Queer Eye” who now runs around making women feel better about being naked. Best of both worlds – I can fantasize about having sex with the Craig part (it’s huge I hear) as soon as Carson makes me feel better about being naked (I predict the year 2121).

Craig (the real one) has been sick all week. Coincidence!? Yes – coincidence – the only thing Craig could ever catch from me is a wave as he leaves the stage. Being the man’s man that he is, the virile (viral?) regular guy of TV he has whined about it incessantly. He even dared to bitch about CBS not giving him a sick day. No sick day!? Holy Crackers you millionaire surrounded by adoring fans and tons of support staff – how did you survive!?

“I thought you adored Craig?”

“I do, why?”

“Cause you’re being a bitch about him”

“No I’m not, I’m just jealous – I want everyone to think I’m adorable when I’m sick and I want a freakin’ sick day!”

Sick days are really hard to come by in my life. When I was a kid I gagged at the idea of being home with my parents so I always went to school. Even in High School – I always went towards the building – I may not have always made it into the building (smoking reefer on the boardwalk) but I certainly didn’t stay home.

As a working single Mom, sick days are reserved for when your kid is sick. You drag yourself in and make a big show of being fine so that you can then invent a fever and a cough when your kid needs Mommy to stay home with him. I don’t think the working world is all that supportive of parents today – imagine what it was like 30 years ago.

When you run your own business who do you call? Quite the dilemma. Even when I had staff I had to be there – the best I could hope for was to be at home, on the computer, checking their files and answering the same question over and over. Now that I run a one woman show – well, you can do the math.

“You know – you could ask for some help and sympathy”

“I suppose – perhaps I am a bit (a lot) passive-aggressive about this”

“There you go again, being all psychological – you are sick, sick in the head”

“Shut up you bastard, I’m rethinking this whole sidekick/psychic thing and I can make you disappear”

I really should ask for a little TLC but it’s exhausting. I have to ‘splain what I need and then listen to all the things my (adult) kids (son and wife) plan to do for me. They’re going to wash the dishes (someday) and they’re going to bring me soup (the kind I hate) and make me tea (I drink coffee). They’re going to clean the litter box (when the smell is deafening) and they’ll be right there (as soon as the movie ends/cell call is over/during half-time).

Do you realize that if Moms all over the world spent one hour talking about what they’re going to do the collective sound of all those tasks being verbalized would drown out the universe.

“So your kids are selfish little (big) shits?”

“Again, you are not getting it. They’re lovely, kind people who, for the big stuff, would do anything for me – I just want to be pampered. I just want a sick day – I want to be Ferris Bueller – without the parade and the singing and dancing, I want Bon Bons and a movie and … ”

“Oh please, you’d last 5 minutes and you’d be up cleaning off the TV screen or organizing the Bon Bons by size and flavor”

Craig Carson had to leave. I hate when people (imaginary or real) tell me the truth I don’t want to hear. Even my imaginary sidekick/psychic is a pain in the ass.

“Well you created me!”

“I did, didn’t I – what the hell is wrong with me!?”

and on I go …sometimes it is exhausting being me.

Everyday Kindness:Weekly Update (and stuff)

I know it's Saturday night but I can't live by my own rules!

And speaking of not living by rules - Congratulations to the lovely, effervescent, manly yet vulnerable Craig Ferguson - he was sworn in as a US citizen on Friday. Congrats to the 3499 other new Americans who were also sworn in. Extra props (as the kids say) to the woman who got to sit next to him.

Watch Craig's show this Monday, February 4. He comes on at 12:37 AM (I know!) EST but you can DVR it. Craig will share bits of the ceremony with us along with his recent trip to Washington DC - he spoke at a USO dinner and met some lucky politicians.

If you haven't seen his show you're missing a great opportunity to be kind to yourself.

We're all a bit exhausted here on the home front. I've been extra careful to pamper my daughter-in-law a bit and hope to fuel her so she can then continue to comfort her family.

I think Thursday's post was enough grief for awhile so we'll move on.

"Walking Woman" is still hanging in there with her exercise routine. I only got to speak with her once this week, earlier today. She rang the bell! Told me she knew something was up by all the coming and going and that I hadn't looked like myself (oh please - could I look like anyone else) so she brought me some cookies - diet of course! Told me to splurge a little while watching the Super Bowl. I will confess they're almost gone.

I metioned to "Walking Woman" that my nerves were a bit frayed but I was on a "program of being kind" - we talked a bit about how kindness can be contagious and can change the air around us. She loves the concept and says she's going to stop scowling at the man with the big dogs (he is a bit creepy) and will smile and stop to ask about the dogs. The dogs are lovely and I have already discovered that once you get him talking about them he is less creepy.

It rained like crazy here Friday and my house has issues with water. Turned into another one of my comedy mishaps. I'm going to tell that story as soon as I meet this deadly deadline that I didn't attend to all week.

I feel like making everyone laugh - including me.

My neighbor is having some troubles right now. Many aged folks in her family and everyone seems to be sick at the same time. She told me today that all of this week's "stuff" made her realize that "you gotta live your life, even when it sucks" - she made herself laugh.


Be Kind Out There

Everyday Kindness - a little update

I really hope that feeding the squirrels and birds at 8AM on a Sunday counts as kindness. It is 20 degrees and the wind is howling. If I had a pair of balls - and there are many who think I do - they'd be looking like chicken nuggets right about now.

"Balls", said the Queen - "If I had them I'd be King" - that always makes me laugh.

I remembered to bring my copy of Craig Ferguson's book - "Between the Bridge and the River" over to my neighbor. She had asked to borrow it before Christmas and I kept forgetting. I read somewhere that cluttering your mind with little tasks left undone causes confusion and depression - I think that may be right, I always feel better when I get things done.

Oh - and it's just a coincidence (shakes head No) that mention of Craig follows all the balls talk.

My kindest kindness was last night. My kitchen window offers a clear view of most of my street, leading all the way to the dead end and around the curve that gets you out of here. Since I appear to be the only person in the house capable of washing dishes I am often at that window. For the past couple of weeks I've noticed a woman walking by each evening - right after dinner time. She looks like she's doing a walking regimen - headphones, really good shoes, the right clothes - plus no one walks around here unless they're just walking. I walk to the post office a lot and without fail someone will ask me if my car is dead.

Walking woman seems to be struggling a bit - she often stops at the bend to catch her breath and then she stops again to lean against the telephone pole at the end of my driveway. She's very overweight and I assume this regimen is hard for her - it would be for me. Last night I went out pretending to dump some garbage. I caught her eye and walked over to say Hi. I mentioned that I'd seen her a few times and that I was jealous of her resolve. I told her of all the exercise programs I had started ... just started. We had a good laugh and I told her to please feel free to take a break on my front step - I would have offered the patio but everything is covered in tarp. I also told her to ring the bell if she needed some water or a bathroom break. It felt good when she asked if she could stop for "another pep talk". I hope she does, maybe I should start walking with her.

Claudia sent me everything I need to put the Everyday Kindness blog roll on the side bar and I'll do that soon - formatting makes me anxious and I always have to be in a calm state for it - right now I'm just beginning to thaw. In the meantime the Everyday Kindness site is in my list of "I love to read ..."

Be Kind Out There

I gotta tell ya - I am "CockAHoop"

Late night, and even later night, returns tonight! And thanks to Dave - he who "smells like power" I don't have to cross a picket line to watch. My inner "Norma Rae" was having trouble with that - I mean really, if the writer writes the words and the words make money somewhere then the writer deserves a piece of the pie. So freakin' simple you dumb-ass greedy weasels in ill fitting expensive suits!

Dave will be back with Robin Williams as a guest. I have loved Dave for years and years. I adore quick, sarcastic people. Add self-deprecating to that and it is sexy, sexy, sexy. Yes - I think Dave is hot.

And then there is Craig Ferguson - Timberlake didn't bring sexy back, Craig was hangin' on to it. Tall, dark, handsome with startling, sparkling eyes. And the silvery gray in his wild hair - my fingers tingle. Oh My! Craig could look like a troll and he'd still be sexy. Talk about quick - this man's mind is lightening. He weaves a web of words down a lovely lane of stories from his beautiful heart and his twisted mind. Then he comes full circle.

I'm thrilled that Craig is doing so well but I must admit it was fun when I felt like I had discovered him. "Craig Kilborn?" folks would ask me. "Kilborn's Scottish!?" - No, No I'd try to explain - and then we'd net out at "Oh, the English guy from Drew Carey"

Blessed insomnia and global marketing. If not for needing to check e-mails from Europe and beyond I never would have developed such bad sleep habits and I may never have discovered "that guy who comes on after Dave"

I'm going to check out Leno and Conan too - just to roll my eyes. Leno isn't too clever WITH writers and Conan is a great writer who can't deliver his own words.

Poor Kimmel - no room on my DVR for him.

"Holy Crackers!" - it's gonna be an interesting night in TV land.