The Red Boots

Hope loves to shop. She did not like the red boots. She said she wanted purple.

My Christmas Eve Peeve

The Time
Late afternoon on Christmas Eve. The day before Christmas. Early enough in the day to know that the chubby dude with his posse of horny donkey-like creatures hadn't even left his pole yet.

The Place
My humble home, discretely decorated for the season

The Setting

A warm, mellow gift wrapping room adorned with rolls and rolls of vivid Christmas wrapping paper.

In the background the meaningful holiday message of hour 723 of the Hallmark Channel Christmas movie marathon - a beautiful woman who is really an angel is flirting with a widower Dad who is having trouble connecting with his rebellious daughter. Showing Next - a single Mom falls in love with a rock star who is really an angel looking to see his rebellious daughter one last time.

I was lovingly assembling Christmas toys

when my meaningful movie was interrupted by a commercial. The excited, almost frantic, voice said ...

"Now that Christmas is over..." and went on and on about opening at 5 AM Monday and slashed super sales.

Now that Christmas is over?

Had I missed it all? I knew I shouldn't have ignored the signs

but really
seriously

I would have felt it if my head had exploded

Surely there must still be time for dinner and gifts and music and children before we headed back to the stores.

A Fungus Among Us

I am both fascinated and repelled by this ...

They were just sitting there, right at the entrance to the fancy food market which always looks so clean and pulled together - and no one seemed to see them except me.

If you need to cleanse the palate of your eyes, here's Hope in her Halloween costume. In the corner you can see that she has decorated her pumpkin with princess stickers. Details are everything.

Row, Row, Row Your ...

My Mom used to talk about "getting your ducks in a row". It was one of her most favorite cliches to cover everything from getting our homework done to making sure we looked normal when the neighbors called the police because Dad was having one of his episodes.

As rebellious as I am I find I often turn to "rowing" during times of stress.

The basement clearing has gotten to me this week and I have abandoned it with rows of contractor bags and old files all over the floor.

As long as they're in rows I must have accomplished something.

It doesn't help that the freakin' planet can't decide what season it is. It's hot and humid again and that just makes me even more grumpy than usual.

I also had to go shopping for something to wear to a wedding. Since I'm hard to fit and have money constraints I of course left it to the last moment.

I really have an issue with what I see in fitting room mirrors.

I love the couple getting married and Hope is the flower girl but most of the people attending are ...

Well, we don't see eye to eye.

I did find an amazing push-up, push together, create cleavage bra to go under my sparkly black top so  it will be ...

Full tits forward!

Oh and I got earrings that are silvery dangling balls. Need I say more?

Dear Target

So, ya know I love you. And your little dog too ...

Yet I'm really pissed right now.

You had this Missoni for Target designer event. I really wasn't very up on Missoni other than their ability to make social skeletons look like test patterns ...

... and I'm not a designer person in general but I did see the event as a way to get a few birthday/Christmas gifts for my nieces and my DIL - all of whom love designer crap.

Now, I didn't get to the store at the crack of dawn cause you know what - you're not Springsteen. I got there when I got there and was fully prepared to pick over the picked over.

What a clusterfuck! Crap all over the floor and barely literate teenage staff trying to cope with questions they can't even pronounce back while half beaten to death older workers who are there because Wall Street stole their pensions attempt to restore order.

I left.

Online I did find a couple of items while waiting for your site to move at a pace resembling the reasoning ability of George W.

I even found a pair of shoes!! for my DIL.
I dragged my ass all the way upstairs to hunt through her closet for the right size.

Found it, limped back down, plugged in the size, hit add to cart and was told ...

FIND IN STORE

Find in store? WTF? I was at the store and I didn't find. If you don't have it that's OK but don't kind of have it if I play enough of your BS games.

Oh - and your twice a year only online camera sale. I figured while I was there I'd get the new model of my beloved Kodak. Amazingly you had it but I can't get the batteries online. Oh - and I can't get the battery charger at the store.

I guess I'm supposed to take my laptop to the store and shop both ways at once.

I got the camera at Amazon for $100 less and it came with a bundle of stuff - ya know, like all together, so you can kinda like use the batteries and well, ya know, like charge them too.

I'm going to give you another chance. Perhaps you were all so close to Missoni models that you got a contact high.

But I'm telling Santa to watch your ass as Christmas shopping mayhem approaches.

And if you mess up again I'm sending in ...

Over The Bridge and Through The Streets

the verrazano-narrows bridge

gateway to the motherland

Right now I'm cooking - baked mac & cheese for tomorrow night at baby bro's house in Brooklyn and then baked ziti for Christmas Day here with my DIL's family. Oh yes - and some saw-seege, the mild and the spicy of course - cooked in homemade sauce for hours and hours.

I have crap to wrap.

I forgot to gas up the car for tomorrow night - the exodus from NJ to Brooklyn really burns it up. I can hear Mother Nature whispering over the noise of horns and backfires - "why don't you all just stay where you are"

Yesterday I spent hours in Macy's. There were Smurfs in the ladies room. Giant stuffed Smurf dolls. I don't get it. I did amuse myself by pondering that truly it was Papa Smurf who was born on December 25th.

And then!! - as the commercial says - "I went to Jared"
OMG!!
My personal jewelry host, George, was lovely. Attentive and friendly. I was offered a cappuccino. All this just for purchasing a $45 Pandora charm for my niece. It was bliss.

I wish you all good things. Blessed be whatever or whoever you worship or just like a lot.

If you have already celebrated Chanukah then bless your heart - enjoy the fact that the Chinese restaurant and the movie theater will be empty. I envy you.

And as always ...

... there is Hope

OY! Home Depot

I would do absolutely anything for my son and my granddaughter and so I went with them to Home Depot.

I hate Home Depot ...

It's too big.
It's ugly.
Orange is one of my least favorite colors.
I am positive that something huge will fall on my head. I will not be mercifully killed but rendered capable of only cleaning bathrooms.
I will never have a kitchen like any of the displays.

Yet any experience with Hope around can be wonderful. She was thrilled with the hugeness of it all ...

My son decides to look for the hook/notch/nut/bolt/thingie that I need for my medicine cabinet so that the sliding door doesn't stick. It has been stuck for 8 years. I don't think I'll know how to open it if it doesn't stick.

The search for the hook/notch/nut/bolt/thingie takes 20 minutes and we cover 300 miles. 

Hope is the glue that keeps me from killing her father ...

We finally made it to the holiday and garden section! I enjoy this part of the store even when it's 85 degrees and I've just walked 500 miles of aisles.

I was looking forward to lots of mums and Halloween stuff.

What did I see!? Santas and Snowmen and garland and ...

Happy Merry HalloThankMas America. No wonder we're all nuts. We live in an accelerated world ruled by giant orange stores.

Even the straw people had enough ...

It was such a mish mosh of seasons and holidays. Florida likes to say they only have one season. Well, it appears NJ has them all - at the same time.

Daddy, why is Nana breaking the heads off all those little red statues?

This beautiful plant was lost in the middle of a blow-up Santa display ...

Do I hang my balls on it?

This was hanging above mountains of gold and red garland ...

The Sacred Spider who joined Baby Jesus in the manger to protect him from mosquitoes.

Another first time Grandma noticed me taking pics of Hope and offered to take one of all of us ...

We managed to get out of there in good spirits - thanks to Hope.

As for my medicine cabinet - now both doors stick.

I'm OK with that.

6 Word Saturday

The Agony of (Women's) The Feet

I got an e-mail from some shopping site about these adhesive sandals ...



I can see using these after a pedicure while waiting for your toes to dry.

This led me to a search for more odd shoes.

these two kinda defeat the purpose of the original design ...




How else would you walk your tarantula? ...



What evey gangsta-nista wears ...



What every gangsta wears when they sleep with the fishes ...



I'll stick with my Keds.

SIX WORD SATURDAY

All You Need Is Love

I regret to inform the Wordzzle World that I have no Wordzzle Words today. Perhaps I'll do a double next week.

It has been a flurry of absurd activity here.

The old adage ‘You Get What You Pay For’ is not necessarily true. My DIL’s Mom spent an obscene amount of money on baby furniture at Pottery Barn for Kids. My son and I both said “go JC Penney” but what the hell do we know. He has a penis and I’m a heathen socialist, surely we know nothing about the inner workings of baby furnishings.

Allow me to summarize what the upper crust of Pottery Barn For Kids has managed to do – as part of their promise of “Fine Quality” and “Superior Service”

Order placed in April
Dozens of calls required to fix shipping over charge of more than $500
Delivery date set
Delivery date re-scheduled by them

Today is the new date

Yesterday no one calls to confirm (as they say they always do)
We call
They confirm order piece by piece

All is well

For 12 hours

This morning they call to say changing table and dresser will not be coming.
Why!? Do they have a prior engagement?
Seems warehouse can’t count – pieces were never there

So crib will come
And giant hutch piece will come with nothing to attach it to

They will send in ringers “soon” for missing pieces
Original pieces will be here in August

Nothing like setting up a room twice – what fun

Innocent trucking type guys arrive
They are sweet and sorry for things that are not their fault

Crib is set up – OK we’re on a roll
Giant hutch piece (whose partners are missing) is unveiled

It does not match the crib
It does not match the “ringers” they will be sending someday
It does not match anything ever looked at, let alone ordered

Baby comes in 2 weeks

I say all baby needs is a basket, some diapers, a breast to suck on, and love

Expensive does not equal good

I would have gone JC Penney and given the rest of the money to THESE FINE FOLKS

Oh - DIL cried. I yelled at bad store people for her. I hugged. I put ice in her juice. Told her she was beautiful. Called her Mom to say furniture will be perfect one day.

I am getting good at letting love guide the way. Babies do that to a person.

photo comes from JC Penney site - I assume they won't mind since I think they rock!

The Reason For the Season Is ...?

I’m watching the local noon time news and this story came up …

Wal-Mart Worker Fatally Trampled By Shoppers
34--Year-Old Man Pronounced Dead An Hour After Store Opening
NEW YORK (AP) ― Police say a Wal-Mart worker has died after being trampled by a throng of unruly shoppers shortly after the Long Island store opened today. Nassau County police say the 34-year-old worker was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead at about 6 a.m., an hour after the store opened. Police say the shoppers knocked the employee to the ground just after 5 a.m. but he exact cause of death has not been determined. The man's name has not been released. Police also say a 28-year-old pregnant woman and three other shoppers suffered minor injuries and were taken to a hospital for observation. Wal-Mart Stores Inc., in Bentonville, Ark., would not confirm the reports of a stampede during the day-after-Thanksgiving bargain hunting, but said a "medical emergency" caused them to close the store.

This was courtesy of wcbstv.com – the site for NY/NJ/CT local news

Eyewitnesses say people were lined up since 10 PM, mostly for the $400 plasma flat screen TV. This poor worker opened the doors to let a few people in (no one knows who or why) and then tried to close the doors telling the shoppers on line that it wasn’t opening time yet.

The shoppers literally pushed the doors down and trampled the man to death. Police spent quite a while trying to revive him.

One witness said – “someone was trying to do their job and they were trampled to death for electronics”

Lying on the floor around the victim were flyers advertising the ‘Door Buster Sale’ – sickeningly ironic.

I have worked in retail, on and off, all my life. I worked on Black Friday last year. I got to the store at 4:30 AM and had to push my way through a small crowd to get into the employee entrance which also served as the nearest entrance for appliances and electronics. Luckily I have a big mouth and a sense of humor so I just held up my badge and yelled excuse me a lot, stopping to ask people how their turkey had been and telling them how wonderful they all looked so early in the morning.

We had proper security and we made sure the doors were NOT opened until they were going to STAY open. Each entrance had several people at it.

Does not look like this was the story at this Wal-Mart on LI.

I would love to blame Wal-Mart but there is enough blame to pass around to …

Those who continuously, endlessly advertise their ‘Door Buster’ sales
Those who feel a TV is more important than the safety of their fellow citizens
Management that does not properly staff giant sale days

I HATE Black Friday – always have. It is to me a shining example of our twisted and disgusting values. It has nothing to do with a holiday. It certainly has nothing to do with a religious holiday – although I’ll bet you many of those brutish shoppers are the same people who carry on about ‘Jesus being taken out of Christmas’ and complain when a sales person they didn’t trample to death says ‘Happy Holidays’ rather than ‘Merry Christmas’

Considering our current economic situation this would make some sad sense to me if this were a line at a Food Bank.

Considering what is going on, right now, in Mumbai it is pathetic that this kind of violence should ever have a place to even remotely happen here in this country under the guise of ‘Holiday Preparations.

Black Friday is uniquely American – and that is nothing to be proud of.

the top photo was taken this morning at a Wal-Mart in TX. Courtesy of AOL News
the bottom photo comes from NapleNews.com

Don't Leave Home Without It

No, not your Amex card. Your mind!

I'm in another one of those deadly deadline phases - and how ironic, first I had no time to put the tree up and now I have no time to take it down.

There is nothing sadder looking than a half dressed tree surrounded by Rubbermaid tubs and - as my son used to call it - "the debris of Christmas" - Funny, he used SAT words when he was 7 but forgot them in high school.

But I digress ...

It's 70 degrees here today when it should be 40. I had to get out of the hole (luxurious basement office). I fed the squirrels and birds in the yard and then took off to Drug Fair for a few more storage items for the "debris of Christmas"

helpful household hint: those dress size garment bags are great for storing holiday floral arrangements - plastic/silk - not nature!
helpful hint part deux: they now have giant dress garment bags, they're designed to hold 14 dresses and my little fake tree fits in it perfectly.

It is impossible for me to leave Drug Fair without buying something I don't need. Knowing this I always head to the clearance aisle. Might as well be a frugal shopaholic. I was excited to see that, with my brand new "We Care" reward card, I could buy one bag of coffee for $4.99 and get the second one for a penny. A penny! You can't even get penny candy for less than a quarter.

I was thrilled with my great buy until I got home and realized that my coffee is always 2 for $5 at my regular Stop 'N Shop

So - $4.99 plus a penny = $5
and 2 for $5 = $5

Yes, I had to think a lot about that

And now it's time for a drink and a nap.

Shopping for Pets - and People

I wish I would have thought of this before the holidays but I was in a daze with deadly deadlines and putting up trees.

When Cathy commented in the previous post that she needed to shop for her cat it came to me that I should share this site.

Just click on the title ... and it will take you to a wonderful place - a veritable wonderland of gifts for pets and for the people they own - or for people who love animals.

All the proceeds go to help animals. The prices are reasonable and the selection is unique. I've shopped there for a few years now. They deliver on time, they pack everything beautifully and they sometimes throw in a little gift - this season I got a sweet little pair of earrings.

Their clearance section is a great find also.

My recommendations based on this year's holiday shopping are:

KONG Wubba Toy - as Samson's Mom puts it - "he loves the thud it makes when I toss it to him and he brings it right back with a smile" - can be found on page 1 of Pets section

Kitty Cradle - Zanna's Mom says that Zanna is loving her "diva" shelter and rolls around in it making "sounds I've never heard her make before" and then she - Zanna, not Mom - settles in for a long nap. - found on page 2 of Pets section

Sour Puss Catnip Set - Siren swears by these - they last forever, he can't lose them under immovable furniture (although he continues to try since he so enjoys the sight of me trying to fit under a credenza) - and they're purrfect for sneaking up on and attacking with your back claws (Siren's, not mine) - also on page 2

Please check out the site - there's always a birthday, Valentine's Day, or a just because day.

I love when I can shop and feel good about it as well.